"After
Cheating: He's Still in Contact with His Ex"
By Susie and Otto Collins
So you're
trying to rebuild trust in your marriage or relationship and
it just makes you crazy when you think about the two of
them--
You wonder
why does he (or she) keep in contact with the ex or person
from the office who poses a danger (in your mind) to your
relationship?
He (or
she) says you're over-reacting and nuts for worrying but you
still can't seem to relax and trust.
Even if
your partner isn't actually "doing" anything, you
just can't seem to shake the fear that it will happen again.
Here's
a question from a woman whose situation may seem very familiar
to you...
***QUESTION FROM A READER:
"Two
years ago my husband had an affair. We've worked through it
and the healing was happening. I found it hard to trust him
again and I have been dealing with it.
"My
biggest question is...Why does he still keep so close to his
ex girlfriends, even in compromising situations? He keeps
saying he loves me etc, which I am trying to believe,
yet he refuses to let go of them.
"I
always had my doubts about his closeness with his girlfriends
because they were of a 'wanting him' nature but he always
denies any such thing. I believed to a point, but
when I recently discovered he was sending a particular one
email articles suggesting both of them experience sexual intimacy,
and she inviting him to, I nearly died all over.
"When
I asked him about it, he said it was nothing really. After
acknowledging it was wrong, he emailed her and apologized
for sending her such an article, and copied
me into it.
"I
responded, quite sanely, expressing my appreciation for his
stand and honoring our love and union for 21 years. She has
not responded but both have kept up
correspondence via instant messenger, in case I see the email.
"All
the feelings of the past kept tumbling down on me and he thinks
I am overacting. What do I do?"
>>>OUR COMMENTS:
Thanks
so much for your question and for sharing your story with
us. Unfortunately, we hear something like this from many people
who are in similar situations.
First
of all, you say that you've worked through the fact that your
husband had an affair and the healing was happening.
We would
invite you to look honestly at your situation.
While
you may have felt more ease and healing around this topic,
the fact that he's still in contact with his previous partners
has to keep the possibility that it can happen again foremost
in your mind.
So you
HAVEN'T worked through it.
And we
certainly can't say we blame you at all--and we're certainly
NOT faulting you in saying this.
It's just
important to call a spade a spade--and this is a wound that
keeps being opened again and again every time new "evidence"
like the suggestive email to his ex pops up.
While
he may have stopped the affair from two years ago, his conduct
would certainly suggest to most people that he's looking elsewhere
for something--sex, attention, friendship--other that your
relationship.
And building
trust isn't possible while this sort of thing is going on.
Even though
he might say you are over-reacting to this latest situation,
we're guessing that he isn't being completely honest with
himself as to his motivations
for doing what he does.
With that
being said, we invite you to be honest with yourself.
While
you certainly handled the suggestive email situation with
him quite "sanely" as you said, you were probably
pretty angry and hurt.
You're
also probably now extremely frustrated and upset that he's
just choosing another way to connect with her since he got
"caught" using email.
So for
the moment, forget being "sane" and give yourself
permission to write down what you are feeling.
Give yourself
permission to be very honest with yourself.
You asked--"Why
does he still keep so close
to his ex girlfriends, even in compromising
situations?"
While
we can't really be sure what's really going on in your particular
situation, here's a take on it that might hold some element
of truth for you...
In his
book "Never Satisfied: How & Why Men
Cheat," Michael Baisden says that most men
keep love and sex separate--and if a man can't get both, he'll
get both somewhere.
While
we certainly know many, many men who do not fit this profile,
we can say that from our own research, some men definitely
go through their lives living in this way--to the frustration
of their loved ones.
If you
doubt what we're saying, just look at the high profile men
like John Edwards who have been caught cheating in the last
few months.
They wanted
to keep their marriages but still
have another relationship on the side for sex--and maybe for
other reasons as well.
So when
the guy who cheats or has cheated
says he loves you, he may be able to really
believe that because he has segmented his
life in such a way that it's true for him.
So where
does that leave the partner who is
trying to learn to trust him again?
It leaves
her frustrated because she may want to believe him and open
to him but she keeps getting hurt--so she opens to him less
and less--and he may seek the attentions of other women more
and more.
How do
you get out of this vicious cycle?
Unfortunately
there's no real graceful way to do it but there is a way that
requires some courage...
You can
look at your situation as it is and be
honest with yourself--as we said before.
You can
accept that he may truly love you in
his mind but you have to feel within yourself if that's the
way that you want to be loved--or not.
We certainly
realize that you've been with your husband for many years
and you don't want to end your marriage.
You probably
fear that if you set a boundary--
if you tell him that he has to choose--you or his ex's--that
he'll leave the marriage and choose them.
And you
may be right...
But if
you want things to change, you may
need to tell him what love means to you and
what you want for your relationship.
If you
haven't done that, write down your ideas right now--and make
sure that you keep with what you want rather than what you
don't want.
Also,
write down how you are willing to love him if the two of you
truly commit to each other.
Chances
are when you were dealing with his
affair two years ago, you didn't go this route in learning
how to regain trust with each other and you didn't agree on
what would make him trustable again.
He probably
didn't tell you what his needs were.
Don't
worry--most people don't--but the ones
who are truly successful in building their
**********************
Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins,
authors of "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" and "No More
Jealousy" are experts at helping people get more of the love
they really want. Learn the 5 keys to a closer, more loving
relationship, click below for your free 5-part mini-course:
http://www.Relationshipgold.com
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