"Relationship
Advice for Making Changes After the Affair"
By Susie and Otto Collins
Have you
ever wanted to change or improve your love relationship in
some way but your partner seems to drag his or her feet about
making any changes or even acknowledging that there is a problem
to begin with?
This can
be quite frustrating. After all, the proverbial “two-way
street” is what being in a relationship is all about
and how can significant changes happen when the other person
always seems to resist?
Is it
possible to change a relationship pattern that doesn't serve
either of you when you're the only one working to make a change?
Perhaps
you are the only one to see the habit or tendency as a problem.
We all know you can't force another to change. It's kind of
like standing in the ocean, feeling the tide pulling you in
one direction, and attempting to change the tide. It really
can't be done-- at least not without some high-tech gadget
yet to be invented or supernatural powers!
On a different
scale, you also cannot force your partner or anyone else but
you, yourself to change.
Sheri
knows that she and her husband Pete have trust issues. He
had an affair several years ago and, as much as she's tried,
she just can't seem to put the past behind her.
She owns
up to her suspicious mind and is reading books about forgiveness
and rebuilding trust, but she also notices Pete being just
as secretive as he was during the time when he was cheating
on her.
Whenever
she brings this dynamic up, he refuses to talk about it and
accuses her of holding his past mistakes over his head.
Pete believes
that time will heal the wounds of the affair and that trust
will either happen again or it won't. There's really nothing
he or she can do about it, according to Pete.
He's refused
to read relationship books with her and won't consider working
with a relationship coach. Sheri wonders if the whole situation
is hopeless and doomed to fail.
When your
partner seems as stubborn and resistant to the changes you
want to make as the ocean tides, what can you do?
*You can
change your own direction and focus.
Sheri
is beginning to change her direction and focus by using tools
like books on how to rebuild trust after an affair. There
is plenty of internal work she can do that does not have to
directly involve Pete.
She has
started journaling about forgiveness and is beginning to feel
better about her sense of self-worth which has been an issue
in the past and was compounded upon discovering the affair.
It would
be a potentially healing experience for Pete to read the same
books and perhaps work with a coach or counselor but, since
he is unwilling, Sheri can benefit from these activities on
her own.
Become
more aware of your direction and focus. If you are primarily
focused on how stubborn your partner is being, make a shift.
It won't help either of you to hone in on how difficult and
closed your mate appears to be.
In fact, it will probably get in the way of your making the
changes you want. Giving most of your attention to what your
partner is not doing, also often means that you are not seeing
the potentially helpful things he or she is doing and, conversely,
the potentially distancing things you are contributing.
*You can share your intentions with your partner.
As Sheri gets more and more excited by the discoveries she's
making about herself and the healing that's taking place within
for her, she might choose to share this with Pete.
She may
start out by letting him know that she understands he doesn't
want to read the relationship books, but that she'd like him
to know what she's learning about herself and how she's processing
what she's learning.
When Pete
doesn't feel pressured to take part in the trust-building
activities Sheri is choosing, he may feel more open to listening.
In fact,
he may decide to-- in his own way-- engage in more trust-building
practices himself. With this growing sense of openness between
them, Sheri and Pete can more clearly and connectingly share
with one another their intentions for their relationship.
Allowing
your partner to approach and make changes in his or her way
could end up enhancing the changes you are moving towards.
You might
find that you two are moving in different directions, but
you might also find that your paths come together in surprising
ways that end up with you two closer than before.
Sign up for a free mini course on
rebuilding trust after it's been broken at http://www.RelationshipTrust.com
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Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins,
authors of "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" and "No More
Jealousy" are experts at helping people get more of the love
they really want. Learn the 5 keys to a closer, more loving
relationship, click below for your free 5-part mini-course:
http://www.Relationshipgold.com
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