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Affairs &
Infidelity
Extramarital Affairs: What
Everyone Needs to Know...and what you can do to help
by Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity
Coach
Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women (and that number is
increasing) and 60% of men at one point indulge in extramarital affairs. Put
those numbers together and it is estimated that 80% of the marriages will have
one spouse at one point or another involved in marital infidelity.
That may seem
like a very steep number. However after two decades plus of full time work as a
marriage and family therapist, I don't believe that number is off the charts. I
worked with a great number of people involved in infidelity who were never
discovered.
The
possibility that someone close to you is or soon will be involved in an
extramarital affair (any of the three parties) is extremely high. Maybe you
will know. You will see telltale signs. You will notice changes in the person's
habits and behavioral patterns as well as a detachment, lack of focus and
reduced productivity.
Maybe you will sense something "out of character" but be unable
to pinpoint what it is. It is not a given that he/she will tell you. Those
hiding the affair will continue to hide.
The "victim" of the extramarital
affair often, at least initially, is racked with anger, hurt, embarrassment and
thoughts of failing that preclude divulging the crisis.
It might be important to confront
the person with your observations, depending on the status of your relationship
with the person.
It is important to understand that extramarital affairs are
different and serve different purposes. Out of my study and experience with
hundreds of couples I've identified 7 different kinds of infidelity.
Briefly, some
extramarital affairs are reactivity to a perceived lack of intimacy in the
marriage. Others arise out of addictive tendencies or a history of sexual
confusion or trauma. Some in our culture play out issues of entitlement and
power by becoming "trophy chasers." This "boys will be boys" mentality is
subtly encouraged in some contexts.
Some become involved in marital
infidelity because of a high need for drama and excitement and are enthralled
with the idea of "being in love" and having that "loving feeling."
An extramarital
affair might be for revenge either because the spouse did or did not do
something. Or the revenge may stem from rage. Although revenge is the motive
for both, they look and feel very different.
Another form of infidelity
serves the purpose of affirming personal desirability. A nagging question of
being "OK" may lead to usually a short-term and one-person affair.
And finally,
some affairs are a dance that attempts to balance needs for distance and
intimacy in the marriage, often with collusion from the spouse. The prognosis
for survivability of the marriage is different for each. Some affairs are the
best thing that happens to a marriage. Others serve a death knell.
As well,
different extramarital affairs demand different strategies on the part of the
spouse or others. Some demand toughness and movement. Others demand patience
and understanding.
The emotional impact of the discovery of infidelity is usually
profound. Days and weeks of sleeplessness, rumination, fantasies (many sexual)
and unproductivity follow. It typically takes 2 - 4 years to "work through" the
implications. A good coach or therapist can accelerate and mollify the process.
I don't
recommend "marriage" counseling, at least initially. The devastating emotional
impact results from a couple powerful dynamics. Trust is shattered - of one's
ability to discern the truth. The most important step is NOT to learn to trust
the other person, but to learn to trust one's self.
Another is the power that a
secret plays in relationships. THE secret exacts an emotional and sometimes
physical toll that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with.
How can you help? Those in the
midst of their affair crisis told me they need this from you:
1. Sometimes I want to vent, get
it out without censor. I know sometimes I will say what I shouldn't be saying.
It may not be nice, pretty or mild. Please know that I know better, but I need
to get it off my chest.
2. Every so often I want to hear something like, "This too shall
pass." Remind me that this is not forever.
3. I want to be validated. I
want to know that I am OK. You can best do that by nodding acceptance when I
talk about the pain or confusion.
4. I want to hear sometimes,
"What are you learning? What are you doing to take care of yourself?" I may
need that little jolt that moves me beyond my pain to see the larger picture.
5. I may want
space. I may want you to be quiet and patient as I attempt to sort through and
express my thoughts and feelings. Give me some time to stammer, stutter and
stumble my way through this.
6. I want someone to point out some new options or different
roads that I might take. But before you do this, make sure I am first heard and
validated.
7.
When they pop into your mind, recommend books or other resources that you think
I might find helpful.
8. I want to hear every so often, "How's it going?" And, I may
want this to be more than an informal greeting. Give me time and space to let
you know exactly how it IS going.
9. I want you to understand and
welcome the ambivalent feelings and desires. I would like you to be fairly
comfortable with the gray areas and the contradictions about how I feel and
what I may want.
10. I want you to be predictable. I want to be able to count on
you to be there, listen and speak consistently or let me know when you are
unable to do that. I will honor that.
Extramarital affairs are
powerful. Affairs are costly. They affect family, friends, colleagues and
employers. Infidelity is also an opportunity - to redesign one's life and love
relationships in ways that create honor, joy and true intimacy.
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About the Author
Dr. Robert
Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past
two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity.
Visit his website that tells you how to break free from the affair by
clicking
here
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