"When
It's Time To Say Goodbye"
by Dr. Robert Huizenga,
The Infidelity Coach
Hi Dr.
Bob,
I'm writing
to you in regards to being involved with a married man. Our
relationship is more than meant to be and we are aware of
this, the only thing that is stopping his divorce is the money.
Apparently it will cost alot to get out of his crappy relationship
and I find this a poor excuse. We have been together for more
than 4 yrs and his wife is clueless. But I'm getting to the
point where its always going to be "HER" and not
me. What should I do?
My response:
Hello,
In this
country, if someone wants something badly enough, money is
not an object. A huge part of you knows that his reason is
as flimsy as a tent in a hurricane, doesn't it? It IS an excuse.
It sounds
as if he has been dancing on the surface of relationships.
I think: "His wife is clueless?" Not much must be
happening there! And, even though it may "feel"
as if your relationship with him was made in heaven, you know
you only get so much and you will NEVER experience the richness
and power of a relationship facing the slings and arrows of
a life lived in the "real" world.
What do
do?
Say good-bye.
I sense you are ready to move on and discover a relationship
without limits to intimacy.
Don't
hurry saying good-bye. Very seldom do I find someone stopping
a relationship cold turkey. Put closure on the relationship.
Talk about saying good-bye. Begin setting limits on when you
see him. Limits on sex. Limits on calls, e-mails, etc. Firmly
say no. "Charge neutral" - a favorite tactic of
mine - and let him know it is over.
He may
not like it. He may plead. He may manipulate. (From his limited
point of view, he thinks he has a pretty good thing going.)
Be kindly firm. You may need to say good-bye a number of times.
Grieve.
Cry. Feel the loss. Welcome your pain. Allow it to flow through
every cell of your body, so you may become free.
Learn.
Reflect and ask yourself: "What about me - what personal
needs - pulled me into this relationship? Am I comfortable
with intimacy? What do I think intimacy truly is? What was
I willing to tolerate? Why was I willing to tolerate so much?
What are my standards for a truly loving relationship? What
did I discover about myself in this relationship? What do
I want to learn, try, and experiment with in other relationships?
How do I feel about myself being in a relationship bound by
secrets and limits? And then, jot down a half dozen other
questions you want to ask.
Use this
a springboard into a new chapter in your life. Wishing you
the best....
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