"How
to NOT Put Your Kids in the Middle After Your Spouse Has an
Affair"
By Susie and Otto Collins
When infidelity
happens in a love relationship or marriage, it's almost always
difficult for all involved.
The person
who had the affair may feel guilty and the partner who was
"cheated on" probably feels betrayed-- both are
likely upset and may not know what the next step should be.
If the
couple reeling in the aftermath of infidelity have children,
the effects may spill over onto them.
No matter
how hard the adults try to protect and shield their children
from the range of hurtful emotions going on, the kids often
unwittingly get put in the middle of the
turmoil.
It can
be as subtle as careless, judging words
about the other adult spoken in front of the children.
It could
also be more blatant as one adult "punishes" the
other by limiting access to the kids without any reason other
than wanting to deny and exclude him or her.
More often
than not, putting the kids in the middle of the upset after
an affair is not a conscious decision.
Many people
become numbed or go into a kind of shock as they bumble along
trying to cope with the intense feelings they may be experiencing.
But the
last thing anyone in this situation probably wants to do is
spread the hurt even more--especially not onto children.
What tears
Jan up the most about her husband Craig's affair is how it
will hurt their 4 children. Jan fears that not only will their
children be crushed to learn what their
father has done, but they will also be given a negative example.
Jan and
Craig have always taught their kids to be honest and to keep
the promises they've made-- here is Craig doing neither of
those!
Because
Jan recently found out about Craig's infidelity herself, she
doesn't feel ready to allow the kids to know.
He's staying
at his sister's house for awhile to give Jan some space and
she's starting to run
out of excuses to tell the kids why their dad isn't home.
Jan doesn't
like to lie or pretend everything is ok, but she also can't
figure out how to admit this awful truth to them.
Be
genuine.
Above all, we encourage you to be genuine and speak with integrity
with your children if you are in a similar situation to this
one. Of course, there may be age appropriateness issues to
consider, but don't pretend everything is fine when it really
isn't.
If your
spouse had an affair-or if you are the one who was unfaithful--
decide what you feel comfortable saying that will give your
children information without burdening them with details.
Jan realizes
that it is time to be genuine with the kids one evening. She
sits them all down and explains that their dad broke a promise
to her and now she is feeling sad, angry and
hurt.
Jan explains
that Craig is staying with his sister for awhile and she doesn't
know if they will stay married. But she does know that their
dad loves them and will see them tomorrow evening and many
times after that.
She also affirms that this is a challenge that she and Craig
face, it does not change the fact that they are a family and
that they are loved.
Don't
assume.
Jan thought a lot about and practiced the way she communicated
with the kids about Craig's affair and where their relationship
stands at this moment.
At first,
she considered telling them how sorry Craig was about his
betrayal and why it happened in the first place--information
that she suspects but really doesn't know for sure.
But Jan
changed her plan and concentrated on talking with the children
mostly about her own feelings and what she knows to be true.
It can
be easy to spin the affair and what's going on right now from
the anger and pain you might be feeling.
Try to
step back and stay focused on the "facts" as you
know them and your own feelings. Don't assume that you know
what your partner is feeling or planning or even what your
children might be feeling.
It's a
great idea to direct questions from your children that you
cannot answer to your partner. If you can both sit down together
with your kids, that's even better.
If not,
do your best to listen and offer information that you feel
confident is not solely your perspective or guess.
Stay
present.
It's always a good idea to keep your attention in the here
and now. At this time, it's even more important.
Whether
you are helping your kids with homework, talking with them
about plans for the weekend, or even listening to them share
about a favorite book or tv show, stay present.
Set aside
your thoughts, worries and plans that have to do with your
relationship, the affair, or anything else. Really listen
to what your kids have to say and then interact with them
from a place of presence.
When you
need time and space to let out intense feelings, take it.
It's ok to arrange a sitter or find activities to occupy your
kids while you go into a room alone and cry or
even yell.
And it's
also ok for your children to know that
you aren't feeling "as usual." You can be honest
about where you are without dumping it on them.
Keep communicating--
especially with your children, but also with your partner
if at all possible.
You two
are both still caring for, guiding and setting examples for
these precious children-- even if changes are imminent or
happening in your living arrangements.
Perhaps
the most powerful positive lesson you can teach your kids
is how to be true to where you are during difficult times
and still
love.
Sign up for a free mini course on
rebuilding trust after it's been broken at http://www.RelationshipTrust.com
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Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins,
authors of "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" and "No More
Jealousy" are experts at helping people get more of the love
they really want. Learn the 5 keys to a closer, more loving
relationship, click below for your free 5-part mini-course:
http://www.Relationshipgold.com
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