"Move
Beyond Mistrust in Your Love Relationship"
By Susie
and Otto Collins
Yet again
you dodged the uncomfortable silence, dismissed the gnawing
fears in your gut, stifled the suspicions that rage in your
mind.
It seems
to get harder and harder to pretend that the mistrust isn't
there in your relationship but there's no denying that it
is.
No matter
how much you may try to pretend that you don't feel mistrusting
of your partner, that issue and those feelings aren't just
going to disappear.
In fact,
the more you try to ignore the mistrust, the more mayhem it's
likely to cause in your relationship.
If you
want to move beyond mistrust and turn toward healing and the
connected relationship you want, the first step is to stop
the denials and ignoring.
When you
finally admit that something has happened that is standing
in the way of you and your partner being as close and trusting
as you'd like to be, you are beginning to make that move.
Philip
feels like there's a gremlin in his relationship. It seems
like some unknown mischief-maker is causing serious mayhem
between he and his long-time partner Kristie.
Philip
wants very much to trust Kristie, but there always seems to
be some warning bell going off in his mind. The mistrust “gremlin”
causes Philip to question Kristie whenever they've been apart
about who she's been with and what she's been doing.
He never
openly accuses her of anything, but he's also always on the
lookout for signs. He knows that this questioning really irritates
Kristie, but Philip just can't seem to stop. And when Kristie
does answer his questions, that mistrust “gremlin”
is at it again-- he has a hard time believing what she tells
him.
Don't
let your mistrust “gremlin” cause mayhem in your
relationship!
Acknowledge
why the mistrust is there.
Let's be clear here. There are no mistrust “gremlins.”
Of course you probably know that but when your stomach is
churning and your mind is reeling with doubts and stories,
it can feel like you are out of control and even at the mercy
of some unknown entity!
When you
feel mistrust, there are real reasons for those emotions.
When you can discover and acknowledge why the mistrust is
there, you can start to move toward the relationship you want.
When Philip
slows down his mind, he clearly knows that there is no gremlin
causing mistrust in his relationship. And when Philip is courageous
enough to take a deeper look at his past and his present relationship,
he can better understand what contributes to the mistrust
he feels.
From Philip's
point of view, women are naïve flirts. A series of past
girlfriends helped cement that belief in his mind. And while
he doesn't think that Kristie intentionally flirts with other
men, he does feel like it's only a matter of time before the
inevitable happens-- and she is enticed into an affair.
As you
begin to discover and acknowledge why you are experiencing
mistrust, try to keep your attention on your own patterns
and what has happened in your life and less on what your partner
is doing or why you think it is his or her “fault”
that you mistrust.
This is
not about establishing blame, but about learning more about
why you feel the way you do.
Ask
yourself what you need.
When
Philip-- and you-- can get a clearer idea of the beliefs and
past experiences that contribute to mistrusting tendencies,
his-- and your-- focus can start to shift.
Now that
Philip is aware of his beliefs about women, he can start to
ask himself what he needs to happen so that trust can heal.
The automatic
response to this question, for Philip, is for Kristie to just
stay away from other men and to always be faithful to him.
But when
he asks himself the question again (knowing that Kristie completely
staying away from other men is unrealistic), Philip realizes
that it is time for him to begin staying present in this relationship
and letting go of past hurts.
Everyone
is different, has had unique experiences and will heal in
particular ways.
At the
same time, it is quite common for mistrust to stem from the
past and unresolved pain that is carried into the present
relationship and moment.
If you
are confused about what you need right now, consider how rooted
in the present moment you tend to be. If you find that, like
Philip, you are bringing past hurts into your current relationship,
you can start letting go and healing around that point.
Yes, mistrust
in a relationship is often the result of a complex dynamic
that involves both people. But when you focus only on what
your partner is doing, you make yourself just as helpless
as Philip felt about the mistrust “gremlin.”
Instead,
look within yourself and discover what needs to be healed
so that you can come to your relationship fully present and
ready to turn toward trust.
Need a
trust turnaround? For a free email mini course on building
trust after infidelity or after it's been broken, visit http://www.RelationshipTrust.
com
**********************
Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins,
authors of "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" and "No More
Jealousy" are experts at helping people get more of the love
they really want. Learn the 5 keys to a closer, more loving
relationship, click below for your free 5-part mini-course:
http://www.Relationshipgold.com
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