Since the development and widespread use of the internet,
amazing possibilities have become available to many people
around the world. Geographical boundaries can easily be
traversed with the click of a mouse and doors to new information,
experiences and people are now wide open.
This is all wonderful-- except if your spouse or partner
chooses to have an online affair. Or, conversely, if you are
worried that your love will have an online affair.
Many of our readers report feeling suspicious and afraid
when it comes to their mates' actions on the internet.
There is an element of anonymity and greater ability to create
a new identity when online which not only can create more
opportunity for cheating, but also more things to be concerned
about. Your fears may even lead you to log into your spouse's
personal e-mail account or check the history
of his or her online activity.
Adam was clicking around on the internet on the home computer
he shares with his wife Elaine. He was struck cold when he
visited an old e-mail address that he and Elaine shared and
found a series of suggestive e-mails sent to Elaine signed
by someone called "Hank." z
At first he thought it was just spam, but after reading a
few recently received e-mails, Adam began to realize something
more was going on.
When Elaine arrived home from shopping, Adam asked her about
the e-mails. At first she denied knowledge of them or a person
called "Hank" but then admitted that she's been
playing around online with this man she met in a chat room.
Elaine argued to Adam that though it isn't very respectful
to him, she didn't actually do anything wrong. After all,
she's never even met Hank face to face-- it's all virtual.
This doesn't make Adam feel any better. He storms out of the
room.
Is an online affair really an affair? Our answer is yes.
Even if there is no literal physical touch involved, when
two people share intimate talk, photos or other sensual and
sexual interactions, that counts.
No matter how brief or to what extent it is taken, an online
affair is real and can add to real disconnection between a
couple.
Focus on where you are now.
When Adam returns to talk with Elaine about this painful discovery,
he lets her know that he does consider her interactions with
Hank to be an affair and shares with her how betrayed and
hurt he feels. When Elaine begins to argue with him to the
contrary,
Adam asks her to talk with him for a moment about where they
are right now. He describes how distant he feels from Elaine
and how much he misses the way that they used to have fun
together.
Elaine agrees with Adam that she too feels far apart from
him emotionally and sensually. She says that she got bored
with their bedroom connecting lately and wanted to spice things
up. She met Hank and that seemed, to her, to meet her need
for
excitement in a way that felt innocent in her view.
It may not be helpful to either of you to go back to when
the online affair began and recount every e-mail or chat interaction
that happened. If you need more information of
this sort, request it and then return to the present moment.
Allow yourself to fully feel the emotions that are coming
up for you. Then listen as openly as you can to what your
partner is feeling. When you can keep the focus on what you're
feeling right now, you can more easily avoid debates over
what constitutes an affair and rehashing details that won't
help either of you to move on.
Decide where you want to go from here.
As they listen to one another and process how they are both
feeling, Adam and Elaine can start to decide what they want
to do next. Neither of them wants to end their relationship
but, at the same time, neither of them is happy with how things
stand between them. Adam feels hurt and betrayed.
Elaine feels dissatisfied, embarrassed, and a little defensive.
What they are able to decide is to seek out a coach or counselor
who can help them move past this difficult place.
Be sure to give yourself some time and space to know what
you, individually, want to do at this point. You may choose
a physical separation for a few days or you might only need
to take a walk or journal in a room by yourself to know what
you want to do right now.
As you make your decision, keep your attention on feelings
and tuning in to what you want- not on who is right or justified
in this situation.
