"My Husband 'Needs Patience'
and Won't Stop Seeing Her!"
by Dr. Robert Huizenga,
The Infidelity Coach
Here's a great question that is very common when one person
in a relationship has had an affair and just can't seem to let
go of the OP (other person).
"My
husband admitted to the affair, but yet he still continues
to contact this person and has asked me to be patient. He
said he will need to get her 'out of his system' and to give
him some time. How do you handle that?"
My Response:
Ending
the relationship with the OP is often a gradual process.
For example,
in the 7th kind of affair I describe (I want to be close to
someone...which means I can't stand intimacy), ending the
affair often takes time. Yes! No! On again! Off again is the
scenario.
Affairs
also lollygag for those who are "in love"...and
just love being "in love" or My Marriage Made me
Do it.
So, in
particular kinds of affairs, expect a roller coaster ride.
You don't have to like it. But be prepared. Breaking off an
affair relationship, as in no more contact, may take weeks.
So, let's
assume this is your case. Here are a few things to do:
1. You
are entitled to set some limits. Keep clarifying the limits,
but don't make them ultimatums. You don't want to paint yourself
into a corner, especially with this kind of affair. Experiment
with phrases such as: "This is extremely difficult for
me. I refuse to share you with another person. And, I know
it is difficult for you. But, at some point I will draw a
line in the sand."
2. "Get
at" the specific issues. Ask, "What does it mean
to "get it out of your system?" What are a couple
or three things you need to "get it out of your system?"
(If he/she is open to this exploration, the prognosis is good.)
3. If
he/she is reluctant to go there, throw out suggestions. "Is
he/she controlling you?" (very often the case). "Does
it feel good to be wanted by two people?" "Waffling
like this seems to be theme in your life?" "Are
you afraid to face the hurt? Are you afraid to lose something?"
Allow your voice to trail at the end. Do not be dogmatic.
Open the door for discussion.
4. See
this as his/her problem. (I know! I know! Easier said than
done!) Define your standards. Get your personal needs met.
Begin to design the future for you. And tell him/her, "I
would like to make it with you, but if not, I will certainly
create something wonderful for me."
5. Notice
the changes in your relationship. Do you see a movement toward
what you really want? Are patterns changing? Is their more
effective, in-depth, heart-felt communication? Sometimes the
larger picture is comforting.
6. Surround
yourself with people who accept and listen to you. Friends/family
often blurt out: Get rid of the #$%#$! They fail to understand
the complexity and long-term process.
Remember,
affairs are exceedingly complex and don't go away easily.
You will never forget, although the pain and memories fade
over time. As well, it takes, on the average, 2-4 years for
most couples to work through effectively the trauma.
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