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Communication
"Anger in Relationships: Why It's Not Always What it Seems When Your
Partner is Angry"
by Susie and Otto
Collins
Because
so many people want to know how to stay open in love when they don't feel very
loving in the moment, we wanted to give you some tips and ideas on opening your
heart in difficult circumstances.
Here's an example of what we
mean...
Every
once in awhile, John gets really angry-- so angry that Marsha thinks he's out
of control, she does not feel either respected or loved, and doesn't want to be
around him. She doesn't know where all of this anger comes from, what she's
done to deserve it and why it's directed at her.
Pretty common circumstance,
right? Many people, including us, can identify with this situation to a certain
extent, at one time or another in their relationships. In every relationship,
there's what we call "Relationship Dances" that take place.
A "Relationship Dance" is an
on-going, repeating pattern of behavior that both people play out in the
relationship. Sometimes a relationship dance can be beautiful, loving and
wonderful and other times, it can be painful, exhausting and difficult to deal
with---even though there might be great love between the two people.
Well, here's
our take on John's and Marsha's relationship dance--why it's causing challenges
in their relationship and how they can open their hearts to one another
again... Very often, upsets, anger, judgment, lashing out, or making each other
wrong is sometimes nothing more than a mask for the pain that's underneath what
someone is feeling.
What seems to be John's unreasonable anger can be his way of
"puffing" himself up because he's feeling vulnerable and afraid--fearful that
if he doesn't react in this way, he won't be heard, honored or get his needs
met.
Please
understand that we are not condoning or validating anyone's out-of-control rage
or anger toward another--nor what happens as a result of this rage or anger,
especially if physical violence is the result.
What we are suggesting is that
in most cases, people who are expressing anger are not the strong, powerful
people they are pretending to be in the moment. This may come as a shock to
some of you to know that when most people act in this way, their actions and
reactions are coming from their pain and their inability to know how to deal
with their pain.
Marsha, on the other hand, feels blind sided by John's anger.
She reacts from old patterns, either freezing and withdrawing from him or
lashing out at him with her own anger. Because John's anger may be so
unreasonable and blown out of proportion, it may look like he's the only one
who has contributed to their upset but that's usually not the case.
Marsha's
probably been doing her own things to contribute to the situation. Under the
guise of helping John to become a better person, she might be pushing him in
ways that he doesn't want to be pushed.
Whatever way their "Relationship
Dance" goes, both people close their hearts to each other, shutting down any
love or connection that they once felt for one another.
For many couples, the situation
becomes too much of a "hot potato" and is never talked about again and
therefore, never resolved. Even if the two people do talk about the issue,
there's often a standoff, with both people holding on to being right.
So what can
John and Marsha, as well as millions of other couples, do to resolve their
situation and create a closer and more connected relationship? Here are some
tips to help...
1, If the person is full of rage and you fear for your safety,
temporarily leave the situation. If alcohol or drugs are involved, make sure
that before you try any of our suggestions, the other person is sober and/or
drug-free. You may want to get the help from a professional drug/alcohol
counselor or groups if you are with a person who is a chronic abuser or if you
are one yourself.
2. Know that underneath most displays of anger is a feeling that
there is a need that's not being met or a want that's being stifled. Very often
when there's a trigger that sets off the anger or upset, we bypass what's truly
at the heart of the situation and go to the reaction that's familiar, instead
of the fear or the cause.
Whether you are the "angry"
partner or not, be open to searching underneath your behavior for any fears or
unmet needs and wants. What is the need or want and what do you need to do to
move toward having it without using anger as a crutch? It might be that you
need to be more honest more of the time. It might mean that you not run away
when things get tough. It might be that you need to take more responsibility in
your life.
Make
an agreement to listen to one another, speak from your hearts, and open to
understanding each other, even though you may not agree.
3. We all create stories in our
minds about what certain things mean that very often have nothing to do with
the reality of the situation. It's the stories we make up that usually drive
our behavior so finding out the facts of the situation is really important.
Examine the stories that you are creating in your mind that triggers any
behavior that sooner or later you regret doing. Know that you can change the
stories that you tell yourself about every situation and begin taking steps to
change them by looking at the facts.
4. Commit to not holding grudges
from the past. If you need to do some forgiveness work around some issues, do
it. If you need to make amends for something you did in the past, do it. Clear
up anything hanging over from the past so that you can start together with a
clean slate.
Anger is an emotion and emotions are our friends. Our emotions
tell us what we need to take a look at next in our lives if we are open to
doing the work. Let the message of anger be "I need help" and then take the
responsibility for looking at the issues underneath that you really need to
address.
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Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins, authors
of "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" and "No More Jealousy" are experts at
helping people get more of the love they really want. Learn the 5 keys to a
closer, more loving relationship, click below for your free 5-part mini-course:
http://www.Relationshipgold.com
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