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Communication
"Is Silence really Golden?"
by Susie and Otto
Collins
A couple of weeks ago, we went to the movies and right before
the actual movie started, there was a 30 second commercial on the screen
reminding us that "Silence is golden."
While this is helpful advice for
a movie theatre, we don't think it works very well when it comes to
communicating in relationships.
The problem is that many people
in relationships think that if they just keep silent and not say what they are
thinking or feeling, their relationship will be better off than if they had
said what was on their mind.
While this sounds good in theory-- it doesn't work in reality.
When we keep our feelings to ourselves, it may temporarily keep the peace and
keep the relationship going smoothly but in the long run, this creates
distance, separation, mistrust and dries up passion like a weed in the desert.
In our previous
long-term relationships, both of us kept silent about our thoughts and feelings
that were important to us because we didn't want to make waves in the
relationship. While this wasn't the only
contributing factor, both of our previous marriages ended in divorce.
In our
relationship, we made an agreement early on to be honest about our thoughts and
feelings with each other no matter how difficult or painful this might be.
One of the
contributors to our "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" book told her story
about how she didn't keep silent in her relationship. She told us that she was
best friends and engaged to a man who lived in a city several states away from
hers. Sometime after he had moved to her city and they had decided to get
married, she began feeling that the relationship would not work. She agonized
for weeks, and after much prayer, she told him her painful truth--that she felt
in her heart that their relationship "wasn't right" and there were too many
differences between them.
She told us that once she was
honest with herself (and with him), her pain disappeared. Now we're not saying
that everyone has to know every thought and feeling that you have.
We are saying
that if you want to live an authentic, vibrant life and perhaps have a
connected, passionate, alive relationship, silence is not golden.
We have found
that the best way to tell your thoughts and feelings so that the other person
can hear is to simply say what is true for you without pointing the finger at
them (making them wrong.)
Sometimes this is easier said
than done when the subject is a particularly thorny one between the two of you.
But what we have found is that if you both can listen to each other until there
is some sense of understanding, without emotionally or physically running away,
you can work through almost any communication issue or challenge.
Withholding
your thoughts or feelings--hoping that it will all be O.K. if you just keep
silent-- is rarely a strategy that works.
Making and keeping the agreement
that you will both share your thoughts and feelings with each other and stay
open to each other without becoming defensive helps to create more trust and
intimacy in the relationship. We invite you to make this agreement or other
agreements with the important people in your life.
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Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins, authors of "Should You
Stay or Should You Go?" and "No More Jealousy" are experts at helping people
get more of the love they really want. Learn the 5 keys to a closer, more
loving relationship, click below for your free 5-part mini-course:
http://www.Relationshipgold.com
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