In fact, we didn't realize it at the time, but the whole soul mate mystique is based on this idea.

Here's what we're talking about and it's a really simple way of understanding relationships (especially ones that work and are successful).

Every single one of us has a "story" about ourselves, our life and our relationships that we think is how we want them to be.

When we are drawn to someone and get into a relationship with them--whether it's for friendship or intimate partnership, we are responding to a similar, familiar story that we see in this person which matches our story.

Occasionally, when we get into a relationship
with someone, we might say to ourselves
something like... "You're so incredible," "I really like you," "You have a similar work ethic and like the same things I like," "I feel like I've known you forever" or even something like "I feel like I've met my soulmate"

When we say anything like these things, we
can know that we have just met someone
who matches our "story"--or matches a part
of our story.

Of course, there's never a 100% match in
stories and when it comes to our relationships... that's where misunderstandings, assumptions and
conflicts come in.

That's when you say to yourself, "What
happened to the person I married or fell
in love with or chose as my friend?"

Here's an example of what we mean...

Melinda and Bill had been married for
several years, with two children. When the
kids came along, their agreement had been
that Melinda would stay at home with them
(plus working a few hours from home) and
Bill would make most of the money to support them all.

For a couple of years, their "stories" matched
pretty well. Bill and Melinda seemed to get
what they each wanted.

Increasingly, however, Melinda noticed herself feeling resentful that her childcare responsibilities tended to be 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Even when Bill was home, it seemed that if
one of their children needed to go somewhere, got hurt, or just wanted a peanut butter sandwich, Melinda was the one everyone assumed would do what needed to be done.

She loved Bill and the children dearly but she
just wanted a break from time to time and to not always feel "on the job."

But every time she thought about challenging
their "story" and asking Bill to help out more
with the kids, Melinda's stomach knotted up
and she felt guilty because this had been their agreement. After all, he was doing his part earning the money...

So here's where conflict and disconnection
can easily happen.

If Melinda allows her guilt to keep her silent
about what she's feeling and she still feels
resentful, her feelings will still come out--
maybe in cutting, sarcastic remarks and
in ways that unknowingly create distance
between them.

And Bill doesn't even know that she wants to change their current story and is in the dark as to why she's acting the way she is.

If Melinda complains to Bill that he doesn't
help out, he'll become defensive and push
her away.

So what could Melinda do?

Here are some ideas for when your "stories"
no longer match and how to rewite them so
that they do once again...

1. Recognize what you are feeling. In Melinda's case, she sees her resentment, tiredness and guilt and decides she can't ignore it.

2. Get clear about what you want. Melinda
wants to share parenting with Bill and when
she really thought about it, she would like
some time for herself to do something like
take a yoga class.

3. Focus on where your "stories" still overlap.
Melinda can tell Bill that she still loves staying at home with their kids and is very happy being in love and married to him.

4. Communicate your feelings and your desires without blame or guilt so that the other person stays open to you. Be specific and don't generalize. Melinda can ask for the two of them to talk about how she can have some time for herself and how Bill can also get his needs met.

She doesn't say to him "I want more help with the kids" but rather is specific in her request.

5. Listen to how your partner wants your lives together to be--without getting defensive. Bill may even want to have more time with the kids but feels that she has had it all under control.

6. Negotiate how you want your new "story"
together to be and how you want to keep your love and connection strong and growing.

So how about you?

Is there someone in your life who has a story
that used to match yours but now is a source
of irritation and conflict?

We're not suggesting that you say or do
anything that's NOT congruent with your
values or other commitments at all.

We are suggesting that as your relationships
with the people closest to you evolve and change, you may want to explore how the ideas of other people and the ways that they want to live are just as important and just as valid as yours.

Can you see how you may start looking at how you can both open to each other and shift or change your stories to be a better match with each other?

Love starts with similar stories and can
change over time. Don't be afraid to make
some changes that will create more love
and connection in your life.