"Healing from a Divorce: Deal with
the Roles You Played in Your Marriage and After"
by Susie and Otto Collins
Do you
tend to be the victim? When thinking back to your current
or recently ended marriage, you may tend to see yourself as
vicitimized by your ex. It could have been emotional, physical
or even sexual abuse. Or perhaps it was a more subtle feeling
of the other person being an aggressor over you.
The victim/aggressor
duo is a very common way to think about the roles we play
in difficult relationships. Unfortunately, this simplified
way of looking at dynamics glosses over a lot. And, also unfortunately,
assigning to ourselves either “victim” or “aggressor”
labels can lock us into a role and stand in the way of the
happiness we want for ourselves.
Here are
two ways to break out of this trap and open up to what you
really want—happiness and connection…..
1. See
it and let it go.
As we suggest that you “see it,” we are asking
you to really see your past relationship—and from different
perspectives. Of course it is important to acknowledge the
hurts you may still experience. But perhaps there were times
when you hurt your ex as well? As strange as it seems, accepting
that maybe you were the “aggressor” at times might
help you see how powerful you can be. That same power that
possibly caused pain can be drawn on and used in more positive
ways in the future.
This process
of “seeing it” is not necessarily easy. Not many
people enjoy it when they understand that they’ve hurt
another person. In fact, sometimes it feels “better”
to be the one who has been hurt relatively speaking. Allow
yourself to feel what comes up for you after realizing yourself
as victim and/or aggressor. If possible, forgive both yourself
and your ex. Then let those feelings go; they are in the past
and not part of your future.
2. Shed
the roles.
After seeing the complex ways that you and your ex tended
to interact with one another and letting go of the past as
much as you can, step back and widen your gaze. It is likely
that the role/s you identify with— “victim”
or “aggressor”—are role/s that you carry
over into other areas of your life.
Isn’t
it time to shed those role/s and be the person and have the
relationship you’ve always wanted? Just like giving
up biting your fingernails or another unwanted habit, all
it takes is intention and persistence.
Noticing
your tendencies to play either role is a start. Once you notice
this tendency, you may begin to catch yourself falling into
the role. When that happens, gently affirm to yourself what
you want and stay focused on that. Soon you will be living
the life you want and enjoying the connected loving relationship
of your dreams.
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Relationship coaches Susie
and Otto Collins, authors of "Should You Stay or Should You
Go?" "No More Jealousy" and "How To Heal Your Broken
Heart" are experts at helping people get more of the
love they really want. Learn how to heal from your divorce.
Visit http://www.HowToHealYourBrokenHeart.com
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