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Divorce
"Take Your Share of the Responsibility
for the Relationship--no more and no less"
by Susie and Otto Collins
When
a relationship experiences challenges, very often we want to
assign fault and blame. When you are in a healthy relationship
with another person, both people are equally responsible for
the relationship.
If
a relationship isn't working, the same thing applies. No matter
who appears to be at fault when challenges come up or the relationship
ends, both people are responsible.
If
you are taking more than your share of your responsibility for
the relationship not working out the way you would like, you
are being a martyr. If you take less than your share of responsibility
for the relationship not working out, you are being a victim.
You can only heal when you have let go of "fault" and "blame"
and focus on letting go of the past and how you can do it differently
in the future.
This
can be a very difficult process if you are hanging on to the
need to be right, anger, judgments and unexpressed resentments,
especially if you feel your partner hasn't or won't take any
responsibility for the health of the relationship.
Forgiving
and forgetting may seem to be beyond reality for you now. It's
like if someone says to you, "Don't think of the color blue"
"Don't think of the color blue" "Don't think of the color blue,"
no matter how hard you try, you probably can't stop visualizing
or thinking about the color blue.
The same thing happens when you try
to "forget" a negative situation that has an emotional charge
to it. No matter how hard you try, you just can't seem to do
it.
We
believe that instead of forgiving and forgetting, you have to
forgive and let go. Many people write to us wanting to know
how they can forgive when they have been wronged: a spouse cheated
on them; they've been abused in one way or another; or they
don't feel loved or valued.
What we have found is that the process
of healing oneself when a relationship has ended requires more
than forgiveness. You must also let go. But let go of what?
In almost all cases when you are having
a difficult time forgiving someone, you are holding on to an
attachment of some kind or another. The attachments most commonly
manifest themselves in the need to be justified, the need to
be honored, the need to be right, the need to be vindicated,
the desire for revenge, and the inability to move past fear.
So
when you are holding onto an attachment, what you are actually
doing is holding onto a position which is serving you in some
way but it is not moving you forward in healing.
We
suggest that you let go of negativity and attachments by deciding
to drop them--by deciding that you no longer want to carry and
live with the pain and suffering that you have been living.
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Relationship coaches Susie
and Otto Collins, authors of "Should You Stay or Should You
Go?" and "No More Jealousy" are experts at helping people get
more of the love they really want. Learn the 5 keys to a closer,
more loving relationship, click below for your free 5-part mini-course:
http://www.Relationshipgold.com
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