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Overcome
Jealousy
"Jealousy--Where does it come
from?"
By Susie and Otto
Collins
A common issue that gets in the way of having great
relationships is jealousy.
We put the issue of jealousy into two camps: 1) Where one or
both partners have broken past commitments and there is jealousy between them.
And 2) Where one partner is jealous of their partner and there doesn't seem to
be a reason for the jealousy.
This 2nd scenario is the one we will be addressing in this
article. One of the questions we are most frequently asked concerning jealousy
goes something like this... "My partner is extremely jealous (especially of
people at work) and there is no reason for him/her to feel this way... please
help me to understand what is going on..."
When it comes to someone feeling
jealous without apparent cause the number one reason is because of fear. The
person that is jealous may not see it this way or be willing to admit it at
first--but at the core of almost all jealousy is a fear that they may lose
their partner and their needs for love, friendship and affection will no longer
be met.
The
second ingredient that is almost always present when someone is jealous in a
relationship is a lack of trust. This can either be a lack of trust in their
partner because of past actions or a lack of trust in their partner's ability
to make conscious choices and decisions about their conduct when they are with
other people.
If your partner says "I trust you but I don't trust the people
you work with or other people you socialize with" then you can just translate
that to mean "I don't trust your ability to make conscious decisions about your
conduct with other people when I'm not there."
If jealousy is an issue that you
want to heal in your relationships, the first thing you must do is have the
willingness and courage to talk about the issue in a non-judgmental way with
each other.
First of all you must define and make clear what your
commitments and agreements are to each other. Talk with each other about ways
that can allow the jealous partner to feel more secure.
Then create conscious agreements
for how you will act in situations that could feel threatening to the one who
is jealous.
Early in our relationship, one of the things that we agreed to
do in social situations was to occasionally make eye contact with each other
throughout the evening.
For us, creating and following through on this agreement built
trust between us and helped dissolve the jealousy issue before it became a
bigger problem.
Another thing that has been helpful when we are working with
people on issues surrounding jealousy is to encourage them to become more
conscious of the patterns from previous relationships that they may be
repeating in their current relationship.
Sometimes a person in a
relationship may be jealous of their partner and it may have nothing to do with
the reality of their present relationship. If this is the case, healing can
take place when they recognize that the feelings they have that are triggering
jealousy are about previous relationships and not the present one.
No matter what
the reason for the jealous feelings, fear is at the bottom of it. In dealing
with your fears surrounding jealousy, it's important to recognize where fear
comes from.
Fear is an acronym for False Evidence Appearing Real. If there's
no legitimate reason for the jealousy, we suggest that you and your partner
spend some time and look at where the fears are coming from that have brought
up the jealous feelings. Then create a strategy for how you will deal with
these feelings in the future.
*******************
Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins, authors
of "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" and "No More Jealousy" are experts at
helping people get more of the love they really want. Learn the 5 keys to a
closer, more loving relationship, click below for your free 5-part mini-course:
http://www.Relationshipgold.com
***********************
If you're
interested we offer a free online course about how to overcome jealousy. This
FREE online course about overcoming jealousy is based on our course called "No
More Jealousy." To get this free online course about "No More Jealousy" visit
http://www.NoMoreJealousy.com
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