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Overcome
Jealousy
"Dealing with Jealousy: Friendships with the
Opposite Sex "
by Susie
and Otto Collins
Here's an interesting question that one of the subscribers to
this newsletter asked us recently... This is one of the biggest challenges that
many couples face and can the lines get fuzzy really quick on this one! Are
friendships with people of the opposite sex appropriate if you are in a
committed relationship?
Here are a few of our thoughts about this question... Whether
it's a friendship with a co-worker, an ex-spouse, ex-lover, or even the woman
or man at the gym or club--jealousy can rear its ugly head and threaten to
destroy an otherwise "good" relationship when a friendship is felt to be
inappropriate by one of the partners.
So, are friendships with people
of the opposite sex appropriate while you are in a committed relationship or
should you just say "no" and not even go there?
We'll answer this question with
a big-- It Depends!
It depends on two factors:
1. On the intentions of the two
people who are creating the male/female friendship, and
2. On the spoken and unspoken
agreements and commitments of the couple.
Let's talk about intentions-- We
all have intentions, either conscious or unconscious, for everything we do and
every relationship we are in.
When considering relationships with people of the opposite sex
outside of a primary committed relationship, the questions to ask yourself are
"What is my intention for this relationship?" and "What do I want from this
relationship?"
Sometimes the answers to these questions can be difficult if we
haven't thought about them much (or at all).
What we have discovered is that
whether we realize it or not, we ALWAYS want something or have either a
conscious or unconscious intention for everything we do and this includes every
relationship we get into.
Sometimes we get into
relationships with people and don't realize until some challenges surface in
our primary committed relationship that this "friend" is fulfilling a want,
need or desire that isn't being filled in a primary relationship.
Please
understand that we're not saying that every want, need, and desire has to be
fulfilled by your partner in a committed relationship.
What we are saying is to make
sure that you are consciously aware of your intentions for your friendships and
that these intentions are in alignment with your agreements and commitments to
your partner.
We not only suggest that you be very clear about your own
intentions for the friendship but also be aware of the intentions of your
friend.
We
frequently hear from people who are in a committed relationship and are jealous
of a partner because they perceive that their partner's friend, co-worker or
ex-lover is "coming onto" them and wants more from the relationship with their
partner than they are comfortable with.
When this situation happens, the
fear is that the person's partner will succumb to the allure of the other woman
or man.
Whether
this is actually fact or fiction, the point is to not bury your head in the
sand and pretend that you aren't aware of the other person's intention.
If you look
closely enough, you can usually figure out what that intention is and deal with
it in a way that is best for all.
It's also good to examine your
intentions for your same-sex friendships. If your unspoken or spoken intention
is to spend time away from home and away from your primary partner with someone
else, take a look at what you are doing and the possible consequences of those
actions.
Do a
reality check and look at it as a wake-up call for your primary relationship.
How about
agreements and commitments? Make sure that you are aware of what your spoken
and unspoken agreements and commitments are around this topic of male/female
friendships outside of your primary relationship.
This is usually not something
that couples talk about until one or both have formed unhealthy friendships
that threaten the primary relationship. We are urging you to talk about what
each of your expectations are in this area and make your agreements and
commitments in advance.
We like the term having friendships "within healthy limits and
boundaries." What this means to each person may differ and the challenge for
each couple is to come to an agreement about what healthy limits and boundaries
are for their relationships with other people.
We've found that if couples get
bogged down in trying to come to an agreement about the definition of healthy
limits and boundaries, if they begin listening to each other's wants and
desires and honoring what's important to the other person, they are able to
more easily come together on their ideas.
The point is to be very clear
about how you want your relationship to be and how you want to be in your
relationship. Ask yourself "Are my actions appropriate based on our agreements
about how we want our relationship to be?"
One woman, who give us
permission to use her story in our "No More Jealousy" book, told us that she
had had a huge jealousy problem with every man she was ever with before her
current husband. She said that one of the big differences in this relationship
and previous ones is that she knows her husband is truly committed to her.
When she visits
his office, her husband's co-workers tell her that she is just as beautiful as
he says she is. For her, jealousy is a non-issue in the face of that kind
affirmation.
It's not clear whether her husband is friends with his
co-workers or not but what is clear is that he adores his wife, lets everyone
know it and his intention in his committed relationship is very clear.
Whether
friendships with the opposite sex are a problem in your relationship or not,
take this opportunity to ask yourself these questions that may help to
strengthen your relationship--
1. How do you honor your partner when you aren't in their
presence, no matter who you are with?
2. How are you nurturing your
committed relationship? One final thing-- Are we suggesting that it's not OK to
be in a friendship with someone of the opposite sex if you are in a committed
relationship? Certainly not. We both have "friends" of the opposite sex and our
relationship is stronger, more vibrant and more alive than ever.
We think
friendships with all kinds of people are expanding and necessary to our
personal growth and can also make our lives much more rewarding. We also think
that these friendships can co-exist and thrive within the healthy limits and
boundaries of our relationship.
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Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins, authors
of "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" and "No More Jealousy" are experts at
helping people get more of the love they really want. Learn the 5 keys to a
closer, more loving relationship, click below for your free 5-part mini-course:
http://www.Relationshipgold.com
**********************
If you're
interested we offer a free online course about how to overcome jealousy. This
FREE online course about overcoming jealousy is based on our course called "No
More Jealousy." To get this free online course about "No More Jealousy" visit
http://www.NoMoreJealousy.com
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