"Getting Over Jealousy:
Should He Tell How He's Doing It?"
by
Susie and Otto Collins
His
Jealousy's better...
...But
should he tell her about this?
Here's
the thing...
Sometimes,
jealousy can really cloud your thinking...
In fact,
if jealousy is an issue for you in your
relationship or marriage, then it shouldn't come as a surprise
to you to hear us say that jealousy is something that can
ruin a relationship or marriage faster than almost
anything.
If you'd
like some help dealing with your jealousy issues, you might
want to go check this out:
No More Jealousy
***QUESTION FROM A READER:
"Susie
and Otto, I've been taking the jealousy lessons (for both
being the jealous one and being the partner of the jealous
one) from your web site for several weeks now.
"The
lessons have been helping TREMENDOUSLY.
"I
had a general question that I've never been able to figure
out the answer to.
"What
I have always wondered, however, is whether or not it's encouraged
to tell my girlfriend that I'm taking these lessons.
"I
already have, and she is very supportive and grateful that
I am taking steps to get rid of my jealousy, but I'm more
curious on communicating specific concepts that your lessons
point out.
"I
take it that these tools are for ME to use to deepen my connection,
but if I tell her the 'secrets' I've learned, could it be
seen as more of a 'manipulative' system I'm employing?
"I'm
afraid (there's my insecurity for you...) that if I reveal
these new methods I'm using that she might feel that it's
not the 'real me' doing things, but instead the old me using
tactics to trick her into having a deeper connection with
me.
"Thank
you so much for your time! I sincerely appreciate all of your
help and advice."
>>>OUR COMMENTS:
First
of all, congratulations for taking positive steps toward healing
your jealousy--and what a great question!
When any
of us are making changes, it might seem a little like playing
"dress up" or "pretend" when we were kids.
As we
became movie stars, knights, cowboys, or princesses, we were
"trying on" how it felt to live those lives--but
we were still little kids.
When jealousy
has been a part of your life for so long, you start identifying
with those behaviors and you might think that this is the
"real" you.
The truth
is that not one of us is born jealous or insecure.
We learn
how to be jealous and insecure--and it becomes a habit.
But this
is not the core of who you really are.
Our work
in helping people with jealousy is to give a wide variety
of concrete suggestions that they can "try on" to
see what resonates with them and help them create the relationships
they really want.
When you
"try on" new suggestions, a few questions to ask
yourself are these...
--What
is my motivation for doing or saying this?
--Does
my heart open as I try out this suggestion?
--Does
my partner's heart open toward me?
This
is not manipulation when the heart is involved.
The definition
of manipulation is "to control or change by artful or
unfair means so as to achieve a desired end."
If your
motivation is to create more love with your partner and change
some habits that have held you hostage in the past--that's
not manipulation.
Do you
have to "tell" her the "tricks" you are
using?
No--and
here's why...
For one
thing, we would suggest that you re-frame your thinking about
these suggestions or techniques from "tactics to trick
her" to what they are--suggestions for being in your
life a little differently.
By fearing
that these suggestions could be "tricks," somewhere
inside you, there may be the feeling that you are being manipulative
when you use them.
You have
to give yourself permission to make positive changes in your
life--and that possibly your "jealousy" is a way
that you've played "dress up"--and is not necessarily
you at your core.
And if
it feels like manipulation, don't do it.
This isn't
keeping secrets from your partner if you don't explain what
you are learning and why.
Just try
it out--and allow the space for both of
you to feel the results.
We all
are constantly changing beings and you have to decide if you're
going to take charge of your changing or allow what's happened
in the past or your fears for the future to change it for
you.
*******************
Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins,
authors of "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" and "No More
Jealousy" are experts at helping people get more of the love
they really want. Learn the 5 keys to a closer, more loving
relationship, click below for your free 5-part mini-course:
http://www.Relationshipgold.com
************************
If you're interested we offer a free online course about how
to overcome jealousy. This FREE online course about overcoming
jealousy is based on our course called "No More Jealousy."
To get this free online course about "No More Jealousy" visit
http://www.NoMoreJealousy.com
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