"Love-Making:
When Your Partner Wants 'It' and You Don't"
By Susie and Otto Collins, Relationship Coaches
If you'd
like to get some new ideas about how to create more passion
and connection in your relationship or marriage (both in and
out of the bedroom), then you might want to go check this
out:
Red Hot Love
Relationships
***QUESTION FROM A READER:
"I
wonder why sexual advances that are not mutually desired can
cause such negative results. As a woman I feel responsible
for providing s*e*x sometimes when it seems animalistic and
not compassionate and loving.
If my partner wants it (and I usually know instinctually ),
I want to know how to avoid conflict if this is not my desire
as well. Or. How I can eliminate my guilt if I choose to say
no."
>>>OUR
COMMENTS:
Whoa!
Sounds
like a really emotionally -charged issue for you in your relationship
right now.
... and
why shouldn't it be?
We all
want to feel we have choice in our lives and in our relationships--especially
when it comes to love-making.
When it
comes to couples, especially those who have been together
for awhile, we are all different and those differences can
really show up when it comes to what happens in the bedroom.
After
the initial attraction which can (but not necessarily) include
a deep, driving lust for one another that trumps everything
else--the two people can fall into patterns that have little
to do with what they felt in the beginning.
From our
research, because most of us have never had "instruction"
in the love-making category that goes beyond the basics, we
usually fall back on our unconscious
biological patterns after this initial blast of connection.
And these
"patterns" can really cause challenges in our relationships
(especially in the bedroom.)
Here's
where men and women can be very different...
Researchers
say that women's energy during love-making starts at the head
and moves downward.
In other
words, she needs to feel connection, trust and loved (to some
degree) before she feels in the mood.
His energy
during love-making starts--you guessed it--a lot lower and
the goal can be to let it rise to his heart area--where both
can meet.
Now, of
course, this is a really simplistic picture of some of the
biological differences between men and women, but what we
know is that they can really play havoc in a relationship.
The researchers
also say that ultimately men and women want the same thing--emotional
connection--during love-making but they go about it a little
differently.
Emotional
connection for some men can be that "animalistic"
kind of s*e*x (because that's all they know.)
For women,
it's usually not (but can be).
So what
do you do when you've got this kind of dynamic going on--especially
if you are a woman and want to make love with your partner
but want it to be your choice and not done out of guilt or
just going through the motions to keep him happy?
First,
believe it or not, he probably does want to make you happy--even
though it seems he just wants to make himself happy.
He just
may not know how or know where to start--so he just keeps
doing what he's doing.
Here's
where you come in and where we'll make a couple of suggestions
for you to consider...
First--
if we were you-- we would challenge the thought or idea that
you (just because you're a woman) are responsible for providing
sex for him.
Nonsense.
Lovemaking
and sex is not just about giving out of some kind of obligation
because you have to.
Where's
your focus, interest and desire for your own pleasure and
happiness?
Might
we suggest that it might be worth a few minutes to explore
and investigate where the thought that--you are responsible
for providing sex for him--came from.
Something
else that we think would be worth considering is the possibility
and importance of separating out the feeling or thought that
he's being "animalistic" and exploring whether he
just may be something else instead.
Perhaps--he
could just be -- too "vigorous"
or "overly passionate" for your tastes at times.
We're
not suggesting that he wasn't coming off as "animalistic."
What we're
suggesting is that It might be worth trying out in your own
mind which of these could be as true or truer for you if you
really thought about it.
No matter
which of these words more aptly describes your sexual relationship
with him at times, it sounds like there are times when you
want something much different from your lovemaking than you're
getting.
What's
great about this is--you're paying attention to you.
You're
paying attention to what you want and what would feel good
to you.
We're
not suggesting that he should cave in to your every wish or
desire but what we would suggest you do is this...
Invite
him to slow down--and we do mean invite him.
Tell him
that you'd love to experience some new things with him--and
invite him to a "touching only" time together.
Maybe
15 minutes to start out.
And then
start making more connections with him.
Connect
not only during this "touch" session but do some
things to connect with him throughout the day.
Email
him or text message him.
Invite
him to learn some new ways of love-making and we're not talking
"positions" here.
Does this
sound like we're putting all the responsibility on to you--as
the woman?
No--it
just means that if you want something to change in your relationship
with your partner, you have to make some changes too.
Does this
approach eliminate your "choice"?
Of course
not. In fact, you'll have more choice.
If you
start moving in the direction of an invitation, the two of
you will have more tools and a deeper understanding of one
another so that when one of you doesn't feel like making love,
you can set a time for intimacy that feels better for both
of you.
You can
also just say NO.
We invite
both of you to open to more love and compassion in your relationship
by deepening your intimacy.
We invite
you to experience more love.
***********************************
Susie and Otto Collins are Relationship Coaches and authors
who are passionate about helping people create lives that
are filled with more passion, love and connection. For more
tips on rekindling passion in your love relationship, visit
http://www.RedHotLoveRelationships.com
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