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Marriage
Help
For Creating Marriages that Last
"Is It "Normal" To Grow Apart
In Relationships and Marriages?"
By Susie and
Otto Collins
Here's a common issue for many people that we wanted to address
in this week's issue of our newsletter... It's about the question of "do we
have to grow apart over the years with people we are in relationships with?"
and how do you restore closeness if you do grow apart?
We get lots of questions around
this topic. These kinds of questions are certainly ones that we hear frequently
from couples in relationships that have lasted many years.
To the person who is wondering
whether it's "normal" for the closeness to fade over time in a relationship--
we say that while it may seem this way to many people, we believe that it
doesn't have to be this way. We believe that if you have the intention and
desire to do it, you can keep the closeness going in a relationship for as long
as you want.
In
order to do this, you have to have the desire to keep your relationship or
marriage a top priority and do the kinds of things that create great
relationships (even when it seems difficult.)
Because this is such an
important topic to many people, here's what another person asked that seemed to
be on lots of people's minds in a recent survey we conducted about this topic
and relationships.
The question is... "What do you do once you have already started
to 'grow apart' after many years together and several kids? Can the closeness
be restored and if so how?"
What a great question and first of all, it's important to note
that most of us haven't been taught how to keep a great relationship close,
growing and alive over a number of years.
This means we're trying to
figure it out as we go along and sometimes we do some things that take us away
from what we want--very often without even knowing it.
We have usually seen examples of
two people living together for many years, possibly as friends (or not even as
friends), but the passion and closeness has gone out of their relationship.
They may live very easily together-or they may not-but they don't seem to have
anything in common any more.
The romance and passion that was once there seems to have
evaporated over the years. Yes, this is something that many people experience
and yes, closeness can be restored.
We're often asked, "Okay, if
closeness can be restored, where do we start?"
You start by not "dancing
around" or ignoring the issue any longer. You start by approaching the subject
with a strong desire and with the intention to begin learning how to connect
again and not from a place of blame, lack or being a victim.
You start from a place of wonder
and begin asking yourself questions like "What do I want my relationship to
look like?" and "Is my partner happy with the way it is or does my partner want
some changes?"
These are excellent questions and here's the trick... When you
have this conversation, you need to not only be brave enough to say what you'd
like your relationship to look and feel like but even more importantly, you
have to be able to listen and not get defensive about what your partner has to
say. Several years ago, we had a talk about what would bring us even closer.
Along with our
commitment to each other to spend the first hour after we wake up each day,
connecting with each other, making love, and appreciating one another, Otto was
willing to say what he wanted. He told Susie that he would like her to wear
something more feminine than sweat pants to work in the home office that we
share.
After
dressing up every day for 30 years before retiring from her university job,
Susie enjoyed being comfortable and wearing sweat pants to her "new" job but
she was willing to listen. When Otto mentioned his request, she didn't get
defensive but searched within herself whether this was a request that she was
willing and wanted to do. She actually discovered that flowing skirts were
comfortable, inexpensive and she liked wearing them. She felt more feminine in
them and the "spark" between us kept going even when we were at work.
We tell you
this story to illustrate how in simple ways you can begin to become closer and
even more passionate if you are willing to talk and listen to each other--and
be open to making some changes in your life.
You may need to schedule some
time together every day and begin to look at your life and your priorities so
that you have time to spend together.
We urge you to start now to
discover new ways to be together and recapture what once may have been between
you. In many cases, it's not too late but you never know until you explore the
possibilities together.
Whether you're in a new relationship that you want to last or
you are with someone that you've been with for a long time, what we have
discovered is that very often it's not the big things that come between us that
makes the closeness dissipate.
Sometimes It's the little things that we allow to build and get
bigger. One of our commitments we made to each other very early in our
relationship has served us well and that is the commitment to NOT run away
physically, energetically or emotionally when things were tough.
Our agreement
is to work through whatever comes up between us as quickly as possible after we
realize there is any kind of distance between us at all. This isn't always easy
(or convenient) but it is an excellent agreement that has been incredibly
useful to us in keeping our relationship close, alive, vital and passionate. We
think this agreement will serve you and your relationship as well...
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Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins, authors of "Should You
Stay or Should You Go?" and "No More Jealousy" are experts at helping people
get more of the love they really want. Learn the 5 keys to a closer, more
loving relationship, click below for your free 5-part mini-course:
http://www.Relationshipgold.com
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