"Marriage Advice for Dealing
with Those Inevitable Irritations"
By Susie and Otto Collins
Here's
a quick marriage quiz for you...
Have you
ever wondered how, when or even *IF* you should bring up certain
topics or talk to your husband or wife about certain things
that are important to you?
We've
all done it and...
One of
the biggest relationship irritations that affects more couples
than we care to think about is when one or both people in
the relationship don't feel like they can say what's on their
mind to their partner.
They do
what we call "talk on eggshells" and this is similar
to the idea you've probably heard before called "walking
on eggshells."
If you
are "walking on eggshells," you are trying very
hard not to upset someone.
Remember
that an eggshell has a hard shell on the outside but also
breaks very easily.
Just like
some communication
challenges that
may trigger you.
One or
both of you may carry around hard "shells" and communication
breaks down very easily.
If your
marriage could be described in a similar way, it sure is a
recipe for upsets, feeling separated and disconnected.
If you
want more love in your life, it's time for you to take action
to deal with your relationship issues.
Here's
a question from person who's very irritated with her spouse--as
well as our answer to her...
***QUESTION FROM A READER:
"How
do you keep from getting irritated at your spouse you're living
with to the point where you're not thinking of leaving?"
>>>OUR
COMMENTS:
Although
none of us likes it when it happens...
It's pretty
normal to be irritated by those closest to us.
We get
irritated because that person doesn't see the world the same
way we do.
He or
she doesn't act or speak the way we would or we expect.
If you're
constantly thinking about leaving, we're guessing that you
are irritated (and more) with your partner most of the time.
Whether
you show your irritation or not--which can come in all sorts
of behaviors (from the "cold shoulder" to ridicule
to anger)-- the other person always knows.
He or
she usually feels like they can't do anything "right."
We might
think we're covering it up but we never can and that irritation
pushes us further apart--creating an even greater separation
than was there before.
But just
try to stop being irritated with someone when you really are.
Pretty
difficult, we know.
No matter
how hard you try not to get irritated, it usually doesn't
work and you end up making the whole thing bigger than it
needed to be.
Your irritation
can be triggered by something as insignificant as the person's
eating habits or as big as feeling unloved and unappreciated.
So if
it's difficult to stop being irritated when
you've got that pattern going, what do you do?
We've
had a great time studying the work of
Byron Katie, author of many books including
"Loving What Is."
We won't
go into detail here about her work
but we will say that her process "The Work"
has helped us to get to the place where we
see through our "irritations" with others for
what they really are--mirrors of what we need to see in ourselves.
We'll
explain what we mean with a story...
Otto went
to see a movie with his 20 year-old
son last night. After the show, as they walked
to the car, Otto realized 3 things...the passenger side window
was half-way down, it had been raining and the interior was
probably wet and his car had been ransacked.
Although
nothing had been stolen, Otto
became irritated with his son for leaving the window down--as
well as all the other
instances when his son had been irresponsible in the past
few weeks.
He was
irritated until he remembered
something very important.
He remembered
to use the situation as a
mirror.
He asked
himself when he had been
irresponsible--and even in this instance, he could see that
he could have checked the windows himself before locking the
car.
He could
even remember other times when
he had forgotten to do things that proved to be problems later.
Without
beating himself up, he just noticed
how, at times, he had been irresponsible in
the past.
Of course,
that doesn't really let his son off the hook.
He still
could have remembered to make sure his window was up.
But what
it did do was take away Otto's blame and anger as he just
accepted what happened--and he stayed connected to his son
as they talked about the situation.
In telling
this story, do we mean to "excuse" all sorts of
behavior of others and simply put up with it?
Not at
all.
Sometimes
there are major trust issues and agreements that have been
broken that must be dealt with and we recognize that.
Our point
is that when irritations with others come up, it's a flashing
red light to focus on what we need to look at in ourselves--and
it might include looking at some action we need to take.
It means
noticing the source of your irritation and what thoughts come
up when you are in the middle of those feelings.
It means
using those thoughts as a way to look in the mirror and see
what's there for you to look at.
So if
you're finding that your partner irritates you, just take
one of those points of irritation and play with it.
It may
be that you are irritated at what he's doing because there
are words that you want to say that you haven't been able
to say--
that have nothing to do with the reason you are irritated.
It may
be that your irritation is a way to keep you separated from
him.
What Otto
found was that when he made his discoveries about his irritation
with his son, he let go of judgements--and he could feel connected
with him again.
Isn't
this what it's all about?
*******************************
Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins,
authors of "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" and "No More
Jealousy" are experts at helping people get more of the love
they really want. Learn the 5 keys to a closer, more loving
relationship, click below for your free 5-part mini-course:
http://www.Relationshipgold.com
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