"Relationship Tips: How to Get
to 'Wouldn't Change a Thing' With Your Mate"
By Susie and Otto Collins
A local
radio station recently asked listeners to call in and report
the “one thing that you would change about your mate
so that you can love him or her more fully.”
This is
not the first poll to pose a question like this and probably
will not be the last to do so. We're wondering what effects
focusing on what you don't like or what you would change in
your mate have on a love relationship?
Will pondering
such a question and perhaps creating that partner “wish
list” help you and the one you love move closer together?
We doubt
it.
We expect
that the list of responses to this radio poll probably included
the following: desires that the partner earn more money, would
help more with home or childcare, would stop nagging or criticizing,
would be more romantic, would be more sexual and perhaps even
would be more attractive. It's true. We all have preferences,
pet peeves, and desires. There's nothing wrong with any of
that.
But it's
also true that none of us—including ourselves-- are
perfect. Let's clarify that: We are all perfectly imperfect.
When you
can accept yourself and your love for who you each are, the
doors to a closer, more connected relationship can open.
When you
can answer a question such as that posed by the radio station
in our area truly and honestly that you “wouldn't change
a thing” about your mate, then you are on to something
wonderful.
It is
possible to be true to yourself and honor your mate as he
or she is?
Does
this mean that you have to bite your tongue and put up with
anything in your relationship-- even if it incessantly bugs
you or even violates your deeply held beliefs?
Not at
all! We believe that it is possible to stay true to who you
are and how you feel while at the same time allowing your
partner to be true to who he or she is.
It's not
always easy or comfortable-- but it is possible and preferable.
Let's
face it. We've probably all been in situations where something
is irritating or even offensive to us and the more we try
to overlook it, the larger that irritation or offense seems
to become.
If you've
ever had a leaky faucet and you try to ignore the drip, drip,
dripping sound while trying to read a book in an otherwise
quiet house, you know how tricky it can be.
The same
thing tends to happen with those undesirable traits or habits
of the one you love.
Chances
are, if it's something that's bothersome to you, the more
you try to pretend it isn't there, the more you probably notice
it.
The trouble
with the leaky faucet is that it can end up seeming like there
are no other sounds in the house except for that infuriating
dripping.
Your reading
time is ruined and you may even feel helpless to make that
faucet stop leaking. Your partner's tendency to always be
late may also irritate and infuriate you. In your view, tardiness
is not only inconvenient, it is downright disrespectful.
You might
even have trouble remembering a time when your mate was on
time for a date or an event. And it may even feel like your
love doesn't value you or your agreements when he or she is
consistently late for dinner or whatever the case may be.
Make
a conscious shift.
If it would be easy for you to mentally list off things that
you'd like to change about your mate so that you can love
him or her more fully, take a moment and see if you can make
a conscious shift.
Acknowledging
what you are feeling and the dynamic that's going on between
the two of you is a healthy start. But then shifting your
attention to what you appreciate in this same person and within
this same dynamic can be quite helpful.
In the
example of the tardy partner above, when you find yourself
feeling irritable because your love is late-- yet again--
for your dinner date, stop and see if you can shift your thoughts.
Perhaps
you could find within yourself appreciation that the two of
you have set aside this time to be together. Yes, there is
a delay in those plans, but you feel confident that the date
will happen.
Remind
yourself how much fun you have with your mate and see if you
can expand your focus to include those positive expectations.
Be
clear about what you want and then appreciate movement toward
those desires.
You can certainly make requests of your partner that address
the habits and tendencies that you'd like to change.
The important
point here, however, is that you make it your intention to
speak what's true for you, to listen to what's true for your
partner and then make agreements you both feel good about
and can follow through on.
If, in
order to please or placate you, your partner makes an agreement
with you that he or she will never be late for a date again,
you are probably destined to further disappointment!
Don't
ask your partner to change anything for you or in order to
keep your love. If being more timely is a goal for your mate,
then, by all means, support him or her in achieving that.
But if
timeliness is not a priority for your mate, you can ask him
or her to agree to call you so that you know how late he or
she will be. This request for communication does not force
your partner to change but does honor your need for information
and assists in your own planning.
When you
and your love follow through on your consciously made agreements,
be sure to notice any movement toward what you want. Celebrate
those seemingly small achievements.
Believe
it or not, they can add up to a whole lot of connection. You
may never get to a point where you can truly say you “wouldn't
change a thing” about your partner. But as you shift
your focus and stay clear about what you want-- appreciating
as you go along-- the results are bound to be deeper love!
You'll
find more tips about how to create easier communication and
deeper intimacy at http://www.StopTalkingonEggshells.com
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Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins,
authors of "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" and "No More
Jealousy" are experts at helping people get more of the love
they really want. Learn the 5 keys to a closer, more loving
relationship, click below for your free 5-part mini-course:
http://www.Relationshipgold.com
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