"Expect
Connection: Tips for Parenting more Positively"
by Amy Phillips-Gary
How many
of us were raised with a belief in "Murphy's Law?"
This means if something can go wrong in a situation, chances
are, it will. This belief is often (perhaps unconsciously)
applied when it comes to parenting. Whether it's preparing
a
kindergartner for the "inevitable" dropping of the
lunch tray at school or the assumption that our teenager "from
another world" will be rude, crude and defiant; when
it comes to kids, many adults tend to expect the worst.
But to
what extent do we help create that "worst" with
our expectations? When it comes to interacting with the young
people in our lives, perhaps our "Murphy's Law"
assumptions help fuel the disconnections that may develop.
So, instead of expecting the "worst"-preparing for
the attitude of disrespect, the misbehavior, the disappointment--
what if we approached kids with an expectation of connection?
At a party
a woman shared with me the challenges she faces with her 15
year old daughter. She described her daughter as a "slut"
and told me that she has threatened lack of support to her
daughter if she becomes pregnant in high school.
Just a
little bit shocked at this mother's perspective of her own
child, I asked her if she thought her daughter was sexually
active. She said "no," while following up with more
descriptions of her daughter as sexually
promiscuous. It was no surprise when the woman later shared
that she and her daughter argue frequently telling one other
that they "hate" each other.
I do not
know this woman or her daughter very well. I have no idea
whether the mother's fears about her daughter being
sexually active are based in reality or not. What I do know
from listening to this one-sided account is that, undoubtedly,
the mother's expectations are helping to create
more negativity and more disconnection in the relationship.
How
could they not!?
Expecting
connection in parenting situations will not only enhance your
relationship with your kids, you may just feel happier and
more joyful about your life in general as a
result.
Sound
too simple or too good to be true?
Maybe like you're being asked to put on blinders to reality?
Give it
a try and see how it feels. Expecting connection does NOT
mean that you'll never argue or disagree with your kids. Expecting
connection also doesn't mean that your kids
will always do what you ask them to. No matter how tempting
it may be, you cannot control another person.
The only person that you can control is you. Yes, difficult
as it may be to hear, you can only control you.
That being
said, in "controlling" yourself, you can make the
choice to open up and connect with those in your life-including,
and especially, your kids.
Set aside a period of time and try out these 3 tips for parenting
more positively.
Tip #1: Watch your thoughts
Practice watching the thoughts that come up for you about
your child or children. Just notice them and notice the body
feelings that arise at the same time.
Perhaps
your son has forgotten (again) to put his clothes away. You
are about to ask him (for the third time in an evening) to
take care of this task. It's highly likely that thoughts running
through your head center on disappointment, irritation and
maybe fears that he'll never be responsible or follow through
on promises.
While noticing these feelings and thoughts, you might also
notice your shoulders tense or perhaps a tightening in your
stomach or your jaw.
We all carry stress in different places so it varies from
person to person and from situation to situation.
The important
thing is to stop yourself and tune in to what's going on for
you. This is not about whether or not you have a right to
be angry about the ignored request to put away clothes or
whatever the case may be.
This is about noticing-without judgment and if possible, paying
particular attention to your thoughts, feelings, and body
sensations.
Tip #2:
Breathe
While paying attention to what's going on during this pause
after being triggered, remember to breathe! Too often when
we experience difficult emotions, we become rigid and hold
onto our breath. The cliché advice about taking a deep
breath and counting to 10 when angry holds some merit here.
Breathing deeply will help you to ease some of those places
in your body that might have tensed. And, while breathing
deeply won't erase hurt or angry feelings, it does create
space and clarity before you rush headlong into making a contentious
situation even worse.
Tip #3:
Shift
Now, the really cool part…. Once you've stopped yourself
from charging in to yet another row with your child, you're
paying attention to what you are feeling and thinking, and
you are breathing.
Now shift
your thoughts. It can be as simple as shifting the gears in
a car, but this movement is in your head and your heart.
When you
make a conscious effort to shift your expectations, you open
up to the possibility of connecting rather than
disconnecting.
This doesn't
necessarily mean that when you
open the door to your son's room, he'll have picked up his
clothes. This also doesn't mean that you gloss over your desires
and boundaries in an attempt to be "positive."
Shifting
may look like reminding yourself that there are times when
you and your child do connect and how good that feels. Perhaps
your son does actually put his clothes away-
and without being asked-on occasion.
Shifting may take the shape of hopefulness and a vision of
the kind of interaction you want to have with your child.
It could also
just mean that you move from a feeling of anger to one of
irritation.
This is
still a positively- directed movement
that offers some relief and ease.
After
you've done this internal work, chances are you will meet
your child or children with a clearer mind and a more open
heart. The words you choose to share with her or him
will likely be easier to share and to hear.
At the
same time, you will be more likely to actually listen to what's
going on for the young person in your life rather than
lecturing without listening as many of tend to do.
Sharing
AND listening with an open heart is what connection is all
about so try this experiment and expect it!
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Amy Phillips-Gary
is a person aspiring to live a loving-compassionate and mindful
life. Partnering with her husband, home-schooling her two
sons, and helping to lead an alternative scouting group provide
her with opportunities to enjoy such a life! She is Susie
Collins' daughter.
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