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Marriage
Help
For Creating Marriages that Last
"Why is the Wedding
Vow 'Till Death Do Us Part' much easier than THIS in relationships?"
by Susie and
Otto Collins
Last weekend, we attended the wedding of the daughter of a good
friend. The day was beautiful and the ceremony was a loving, personal
commitment for the two of them. We really enjoyed being there. The ceremony was
a traditional, Christian ceremony and the vow "Till death do us part" was of
course included.
Because we are relationship coaches and we spend a lot of time
working with people on their relationship issues to help them create closer,
more loving relationships, we couldn't help but think that keeping the vow
"Till death do us part" truly isn't the tough part in a committed relationship.
Before you
think we've lost our minds, here's why we say this... Many people decide to
live together forever and to fulfill this commitment. We all know people who
are fulfilling it but their relationship has lost its life, and passion. In
these relationships, it's clear that the two people no longer enjoy being
together. They may not even like each other anymore, but because of their
commitment, they are still together.
We are certainly not advocating
divorce in these types of relationships just because the life has gone out of
them. Also, we aren't suggesting that you should or shouldn't make this vow
when you get married. That is totally up to you.
In our opinion, more than
longevity, the vow that really needs to be made to each other is the
moment-by-moment commitment to stay open in love to each other rather than to
close down in fear, especially when things get tough. There are millions of
ways our thoughts keep us from opening to each other.
Here are just a few... "He
doesn't care what I think anyway..." "She just wants my money..." "An affair is
no big deal..." "If I could just get these kids through college..." "I wish he
wouldn't look at other women that way..." "We just can't seem to
communicate..."
So if many of us have these thoughts, or similar ones, how do we
stay open in love to our partner even when we think he or she is being
unreasonable, irrational or any number of things?
In our opinion, being able to
know what to do when we are faced with these kinds of thoughts and feelings is
at the very heart of whether you can truly be happy together or not. It's
whether you can do your inner work on a moment-by-moment basis that keeps your
heart from shutting down.
John finds that he's always
coming home late and his wife Jody is exasperated with him. It's a simple
thing-- John could call her when he is going to be late but he doesn't get
around to it. Maybe John is procrastinating, maybe he just forgets and loses
track of time, maybe he's passive-aggressive, or maybe he secretly feels like
his freedom is being taken away.
Whatever is going on, there are
things that both of them could do to draw closer in situations just like these.
We all have our inner work to do and in John's case his inner work is to become
more conscious, more focused, and more present to his commitment (assuming
they've made one about this subject) as it gets later in the day.
If it looks
like he's not going to get home on time, his commitment is to call Jody and let
her know. This suggestion is not meant to restrict John's freedom but to be a
simple courtesy so Jody won't wonder where he is and so she can make plans
accordingly for the early part of the evening.
Jody's inner work, on the other
hand, is completely different from John's. She knows he has challenges getting
home on time and staying focused and so her job is to catch him doing it
"right" and appreciating him when he does. When he remembers to call, Jody can
tell him how she'll be excited to see him when he gets home. When he doesn't
follow through, Jody can and should let him know about her upset or
disappointment AND at the same time love him anyway (That's the tough part).
Both require
practice, but if they can do the kinds of things we're going to suggest, they
can continue to deepen their love. What we're talking about is negotiating the
small day-to-day challenges and loving through your differences. This is what
brings you closer together-- when you can open your heart to each other no
matter what's going on. When you can open your
heart when you'd rather close down or react in a different way.
We're not
saying that you can't have boundaries and that you have to put up with
situations that are unhealthy and potentially damaging to you or your
relationship. We're saying that if you are no longer willing to settle for
mediocrity in relationships, that you open yourself to love, even in moments of
upset and challenge.
To help you do this, here are a few ideas...
1. If your partner is usually
kind and generous but on a particular day, he/she isn't so kind or
generous--feel deep into their heart and love them anyway. Instead of lashing
out at him/her, simply breathe and just know that this person is your beloved
who is having a non-typical moment.
2. Speak from your heart and not
from your head when you need to tell your beloved how you are feeling about
challenges you may be having with him or her. To speak from your heart, you
actually pull your attention away from your head/mind, and focus on your heart
area as you describe what you are feeling. If you do, your beloved will be able
to hear and feel what you are saying with greater understanding.
3. When you
communicate, talk to and listen to your partner as if he/she is the most
important person to you. If you treat anyone like they are truly important,
they will respond from a feeling of appreciation, reverence and respect.
While it's our
intention in our own relationship to be together forever, and we certainly
value longevity as a positive trait in a relationship, we know that people can
have it all--longevity and connection, trust and passion.
In order for you to have the best relationship possible, we urge
you to focus on those little things that happen moment-by-moment that make all
the difference in your relationship and can determine your level of happiness.
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Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins, authors of "Should You
Stay or Should You Go?" and "No More Jealousy" are experts at helping people
get more of the love they really want. Learn the 5 keys to a closer, more
loving relationship, click below for your free 5-part mini-course:
http://www.Relationshipgold.com
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