"Romantic
Tips for Keeping Love Fresh and Alive"
by Susie and Otto Collins
Whether
or not you know it, there might just be another person coming
between you and your love. You could be in a many-years strong
marriage and feel very committed to your mate. We're here
to tell you that there could actually be another person standing
in the way of your relationship being as close and connected
as it could be.
Don't
worry, we aren't talking about an affair here. We're referring
to the "other person" you might tend to compare
you mate to. This "other person" could be the person
you
remember your partner being years ago, or it could be a different
man or woman from a past relationship. You may not even be
aware that you are doing this comparing and
evaluating.
People
have this tendency to create disappointment for themselves
by focusing on a past that may not even be accurate! Even
if it is, what it comes down to is this, if you frequently
compare your partner-or yourself-to past memories of him/her
or you, you are only setting yourself up to feel bad. There
is nothing wrong with enjoying happy
memories of past times of connection, but troubles are created
when those memories become measuring sticks against which
you judge where you are right now.
Everyone
changes. It's not only a fact of life, it's also a wonderful
thing. If none of us ever changed, there would be no growth
and no potential for new exciting experiences.
When day-to-day present life starts to feel dull and passionless,
it makes sense that you might turn to a great memory from
the past to charge you up. When this becomes a
habit, however, you may find that you are carrying on a relationship
in your head with another person-the person your partner used
to be or someone else from your past.
Either way, your present relationship and you are not served.
Jody and
Jack have been together for 32 years. Those years have been
filled with plenty of ups and downs but things usually stay
pretty even-keeled. They enjoy their kids, grandkids and each
other. However, both also feel a bit dull about their relationship.
For her part, Jody takes comfort in memories of her early
years with Jack. In particular, she remembers one Valentine's
Day when he baked a dozen heart-shaped cookies, iced a loving
message on them, and hid them throughout the house. It was
a wonderful day
of romance and passion as she found the cookies, read the
message and they spent the rest of the day in bed! She longingly
wonders why he doesn't do things like that anymore.
If you
find yourself loving a past "other person," try
these tips….
Tip #1:
Shift to the Present
What a wonderfully romantic act! We don't blame Jody for wanting
more passionate moments as she and Jack experienced
years ago. We do encourage Jody and Jack to turn their attentions
to right now, to love the one they're with.
If you choose to stay in the relationship you are in right
now, we suggest you do what you can to experience love, passion
and connection right now!
This might mean you notice and appreciate what is going right
in your relationship. What feels good to you that IS happening?
While Jack hasn't repeated that romantic
Valentine's Day, he does send loving e-mails to Jody every
day from his work computer to her work computer. They may
not realize the potential moments for intimate connection
that are already there but go overlooked.
Tip #2:
Discover & Share the Good Stuff
As you shift your focus to the present and begin to notice
what is going right in your relationship right now, be on
the look-out for new ways to increase passion. Jody might
choose to treat Jack to the romantic cookie hunt he gave her
all those years ago. She may find it just as fun and exciting
to create as it was to receive.
It is
also important that couples communicate with each other how
they want to be loved. Everyone is different and what feels
romantic and special to some, just doesn't feel the same to
others. A cut flower bouquet might seem like a waste of money
to some, but to others it might just make their day. As you
share with your partner what you like, do
so without blame or judgment. This isn't about what he or
she isn't doing, it's about letting your love know what you
want and then allowing it to happen.
As we
said above, there is nothing wrong with enjoying pleasant
memories of the past. You could even share them with your
partner-re-create a favorite moment and see how it feels even
better in the present day.
Whatever you choose, we encourage you to celebrate what feels
good with your love
right now and then explore ways to feel even better together!
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