"Build
Trust by Noticing What's Different"
By Susie
and Otto Collins
The last
few months, as we've been focused on writing about building
trust, one thing is very clear...
We all
either build trust or tear it down in every moment we are
together with another person.
We do
it with our words, actions, and non-verbally. Our physical
bodies show whether we trust someone or not--and if we are
trustable or not.
If you want a close, connected, loving relationship, it's
no surprise that trust has to be part of its foundation.
But the
truth is that many people have a tough time opening themselves
to trust, especially if they've been hurt in the past and
others struggle with allowing themselves to act in ways that
allow others to trust them.
Learning
to trust and be trusted comes down to having the desire to
do it, being willing to shift from old beliefs, and practicing
ways that will bring you closer to what you want.
One of
the ways that we've been practicing
in our relationship is what we call "noticing what's
different."
Here's
a practical example...
By his
own admission, Otto is not "Mr. Fix-it"
and if you've been getting our newsletters for
awhile, it's something we've talked about before.
A few
days ago, he poured food down the
garbage disposal and it clogged up so he
decided to take it apart to "unclog" it.
The problem
was that after he cleaned it out,
it wouldn't work. He called Michael who is a
"Mr. Fix-it" and he told Otto about the reset
button.
Now, earlier
in our relationship, this kind of
"home repair" would have been a big deal
and Otto would have felt bad about himself
for not knowing how to "fix" the appliance.
It could
even have created a disconnection
between the two of us.
But this
time, it was different and we even
had a good laugh about it.
It was
different because Otto had made a
huge shift around his expectations and
beliefs about himself--and we both noticed
the difference.
That's
one way trust is built or rebuilt and
relationships grow--
Notice
what's different.
The fact
is that we and our loved ones are always changing and we don't
always notice or comment on those changes.
When you
don't pay attention to what's
different, you can lose your connection--with yourself and
with others.
The idea
is to notice what's different and whether the difference is
taking you further from or toward what you want--not only
in your partner but in yourself.
What do you do with this information once you notice it?
If you're
trying to rebuild trust after it's been broken, it's really
important to notice changes, no matter how small.
So often,
one or both people are so focused on what happened in the
past to break trust that they miss what's happening in the
present moment that may be taking a small or not so small
step toward connection and love.
Even if
trust hasn't been broken on a major scale, we often miss noticing
when "good" things happen in our relationships.
We miss the opportunity to celebrate them.
What if
what we notice in ourselves or others is taking us further
from what we want?
If it's
not what you want, should you talk about what you notice?
If you
want a deep connection with the other person, we say a big
"yes."
If your
noticing is about yourself, then sharing that information
helps the other person to know who you truly are.
That's
really what connection is about,
isn't it?
If the
two of you have trouble communicating
and your noticing is about something that he
or she is doing or not doing that is creating
disconnection between you, you'll want to speak in a way that
doesn't shut down both of you.
Go ahead
and say what you are noticing and
be open to listening to the other person to find out more
about the situation instead of blaming.
A simple
but powerful shift!
You may
not consider what you are saying
blaming or criticizing but the other person may so if the
person is open, listen to find out what may be going on with
him or her.
Something
like this...
"I
notice that we don't seem to be having fun
like we used to together and I miss those times. Do you notice
the same thing and why do you think this is happening?"
Or you
may have noticed the same negative
thing happening over and over, you comment
on it and nothing changes. You may be accused of nagging or
being controlling because of it.
If you're
in this kind of situation, you have to back up and notice
what's happening between you and look for an opening for connection
instead of going over and over the same territory that up
until now hasn't changed.
Noticing
is a powerful way to create your life
and your relationships the way you want them.
When you
focus on what you want in your
relationships and notice when you see even
a glimmer of it, you are taking a very real step toward it.
We're
not saying to ignore what's missing or
what's not there.
We're
just saying to "feed" getting what you
want by paying attention when it comes your
way.
It's all
just information--information for creating all the love, connection
and joy that you want in your life and your relationships.
Need a
trust turnaround? For a free email mini course on building
trust after infidelity or after it's been broken, visit http://www.RelationshipTrust.
com
**********************
Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins,
authors of "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" and "No More
Jealousy" are experts at helping people get more of the love
they really want. Learn the 5 keys to a closer, more loving
relationship, click below for your free 5-part mini-course:
http://www.Relationshipgold.com
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