"How Long Does it Take to Build Trust After It's Been Broken?"
By Susie and Otto Collins

Have you ever wondered...

How long does it take to learn how to trust again?

If trust has been broken, this question is certainly one of the biggest--but should it be?

Whether you're interested in our best strategies for trust-building in a relationship or you're in a situation where trust has been violated and you want some help rebuilding it in your relationship, be sure to check out
"Relationship Trust Turnaround" for a specific, proven process to guide you.

***QUESTION FROM A READER:

"What is the average length of time does it take for someone to overcome trust issues once it's been broken? Is there any
information on length of time to recover?

I see there are several ideas and ways to overcome trust.

But I really want to move forward and would like to know how long this process takes or if it's ever something one can do again once trust has been broken.

The reason I ask is because I really feel like it's affecting my relationships and will affect my future relationships."

>>>OUR COMMENTS:

Whenever trust has been violated and the two of you want to repair your relationship, that's certainly the question that's on your minds, whether you voice it or not.

"How long is this going to take for there to be trust between us again?"

The short and simple answer is there is no average length of time since every situation and every person are different.

There are of course factors that might either extend or shorten the amount of time...

1. The severity of the event that caused the mistrust.

Being caught cheating with someone else usually causes a deeper level of mistrust than forgetting an anniversary.

2. How often the event that caused mistrust happened.

If a person is repeatedly unfaithful (or frequently lies) and wants "one more chance," chances are building trust will be a very long and difficult process--if it can be built again at all.

And...

3. How open and committed both you and your partner are to healing the issues that caused trust to be broken and your commitment to rebuilding trust.

The key in building trust is not how LONG but rather WHAT you do with that time. It's how trustable the person who violated the trust can become--as well as how open the person who was hurt is to trusting again.

You have to be willing to become trustable if you're the one who broke trust.

If you are the person who was betrayed or lied to, you have to know what it would take for you to trust that person again--the more specific the better.

And this takes some looking inward to discover that for yourself in your particular situation.

You both have to buy into the process of building trust together but there's a fine line you have to walk...

That "fine line" is not making guilt and blame the major dynamic between the two of you while still honoring both of your needs--and seeing movement toward trust.

If the "guilty" party is unwillingly kept on such a tight leash and "made to pay" in every moment, there's probably not much hope for the relationship.

This person has to want to prove in every moment how he or she has changed and is now trustable--and do it in specific ways that the other person has voiced.

Guilt, blame and promises won't create a relationship filled with trust, closeness and connection.

True desire, commitment and follow-through will.

It's not the length of time that it takes to rebuild trust but it's rather what happens--how both people deal with the situation.

If you're worrying about and are focused on how long it's going to take to build trust back, change your focus to what you are each going to do to grow it.

So let's get back to our reader's question...

As we corresponded with him to ask for his
permission to use his question here, he told
us some of his story--which may not be unlike
some of you who are reading this right now.

He told us that he was the one who had been
betrayed--over and over.

He had had a string of girlfriends who either
turned out to be married or stole money from
him.

After awhile, if you've had these kinds of
experiences, you probably are going to stop
to wonder what's going on.He told us that his women friends don't have
these kinds of problems--and we're guessing
that his unspoken questions to us probably are--

"Why me"

"Will I ever be able to trust someone again--
or even should I?"

"What's wrong with me that I get with women
who lie and cheat on me and my friends don't?"

While we can't say for sure why this man
attracts these kinds of partners--we can say
that it may be time for him to turn his attention
inward.

The person he has to learn to trust is himself.

He has to learn to allow himself to see and
pay attention to the red flags that are usually
always there flying that many of us choose to
ignore in the excitement of a new romance.

He can ask himself what he's learned from
these past romances that ended badly for
him.

What kind of traits did these women have
that could have clued him into their true
nature?

In hindsight, what actions did he see that
could have warned him enough to ask
some questions and listen carefully to
answers.

Just as financial wizard Suze Orman says
about money--"Ignorance is not bliss where
money is concerned."

We say the same thing about rebuilding
trust...

Ignorance isn't bliss where trust and
relationships are concerned either.

Whether you're learning to trust someone
new or trying to learn how to trust someone
again when trust has been betrayed--

Become the observer and pay attention
to how the other person's words and actions
feel inside you. Feel if they ring true to you.

If they don't, ask a question that will reveal
their deeper intention.

A question from our "Magic Relationship
Words" program like "Tell me more about that" can open you both up to deeper communication and trust.

It may also help you bypass the pain of
betrayal--if you are conscious and paying
attention.

Learning how to trust after it's been broken
is not really a time issue.

It's becoming conscious in your life--
knowing what you want and then opening
to it.

**********************
Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins, authors of "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" and "No More Jealousy" are experts at helping people get more of the love they really want. Learn the 5 keys to a closer, more loving relationship, click below for your free 5-part mini-course: http://www.Relationshipgold.com
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