"How
to Release Past Hurts and Betrayals for More Trust in Your
Relationship "
By Susie and Otto Collins
Have you
ever felt hurt or betrayed by anyone, anywhere or anytime
in your past?
No matter
what age you are, we're guessing that you said "yes"
to the above question.
We've
certainly had them.
You may
not consciously think about them but they are there, coloring
your values, beliefs, thoughts, actions and interactions with
others--unless you've done some deep healing.
As you may have already experienced, these past hurts can
certainly affect new relationships in harmful ways.
Here are a couple of really good questions about this issue
from a person who responded to our latest survey on trust...
"How
do you release past hurts and betrayals in order to gain more
trust in your relationship? How do you not project those past
hurts onto your current partner?"
Here's
something that we feel really sure in
saying...
Some of
the reasons we come together in any
relationship are to help each other to heal, to
learn and to grow-- and this includes healing
past hurts.
The opportunity
for healing in a relationship
can come in the form of showing us an
exaggerated version of the scenario from the past that we're
holding on to, a mirror for us, or showing us an alternative
way of being.
What we're
saying is that if you've buried past hurts, they will come
up--but that doesn't mean that they have to ruin your current
relationship.
While
our tendency as humans is to create
similar situations over and over until we learn from them,
heal and grow, we can start to make healthy choices that can
help us enjoy ourselves a whole lot more in our relationships.
When the
two of us first got together, at times Otto felt like there
were uncanny resemblances between Susie and his ex wife. These
weren't physical similarities but were rather ways that both
of them would react to him in certain instances.
At those
times, he had to do "a lot of work on
himself" (as we're so fond of saying) to
remember that this was a different relationship and that Susie
was his beloved and wasn't his ex wife.
So what
kind of "work" did he have to do on
himself?
Here are
some ideas that both of us have
used to help heal past hurts, create more trust, and deeper
love and connection in our relationship...
1. Recognize
when you are triggered and
carried into the past. Ask yourself if your anger, withdrawal
or whatever you happen to do when you are triggered is either
magnified by something that happened in your past or maybe
even totally from your past.
In other
words, can you identify whether you were triggered entirely
by what's happening in the present or is your reaction mostly
from what happened in your past?
2. Identify
your thoughts and fears and question them. You may have heard
the saying that fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. We
suggest that you write your thoughts and fears on paper and
then question their truth in your current life.
3. If
you aren't sure whether your reactions
or fears are about the past or the present, ask your partner
for a clarification about whatever triggered you before you
react. Ask with curiosity, not blame.
4. Practice
discernment. Create ways to
differentiate one partner from another when
you are triggered--whether your current partner is actually
"doing" anything or treating you as someone in your
past treated you--or not.
Ask yourself--"How
is this person or this
experience different from my current partneror situation?"
Find evidence that supports this difference.
You might
even keep this "evidence" on a note card where you
will see it often.
5. Remind
yourself that "that was then and this is now." You
are not the person you were when you had those previous experiences
and although you may feel there are some similarities with
your current partner, remind yourself that you can make different
choices.
You can
make those choices not from fear, but from what you want more
of. You can choose to focus on what you want and not on what
you don't want--and look for evidence that it's there.
That's
not to say that you close your eyes to harmful patterns that
are actually repeating in your life.
But it
is to say that you look at what's happening in your present
with honesty and curiosity and not stay stuck in past emotions.
Don't
allow your past to create your present and future.
Sign up for a free mini course on
rebuilding trust after it's been broken at http://www.RelationshipTrust.com
**********************
Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins,
authors of "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" and "No More
Jealousy" are experts at helping people get more of the love
they really want. Learn the 5 keys to a closer, more loving
relationship, click below for your free 5-part mini-course:
http://www.Relationshipgold.com
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