"Relationship
Advice for Building Trust"
By Susie and Otto Collins
If you're
like us, you've been amazed to watch how this US presidential
election has unfolded over the past year.
We've
been especially interested in how much the idea of "trust"
plays into who gets elected and what this has to teach us
about our own relationships.
Regardless
of your politics, the person who
wins any election is the one who voters think
is most aligned with their "rules" for living.
A vote
for a candidate, especially in this
election where such a high percentage of people did vote,
says "I trust you."
This is
no different from how it is in your
relationships.
As we
are choosing whether to be in a
relationship with someone or not, we are looking for how we
are aligned with him or her. Whether we realize it or not,
we are looking for someone with similar "rules"
for living. We are looking for someone in alignment with whatever
rules we've made up about what a relationship looks like.
When we
do commit to being in a relationship, for most people, it's
a "vote" that says "I trust you."
What usually
happens when you make that
commitment is that the relationship goes
along just fine until (and we use the word "until"on
purpose) one or both of you does something or not do something
to break the trust--in small or not so small ways.
One or
both of you might have made a
half-hearted "trust vote" because of painful
experiences in past relationships which makes trusting in
this relationship prettydifficult.
You may
have withheld trust because your "rules" say that
you'll be hurt if you do.
Now of
course, most of us withhold our trust and ourselves from others
from time to time and in some cases, maybe for good reason.
But if
you want a close, connected, loving
relationship with better communication,
passion or whatever else you want, you'll want to look at
where you might be withholding your true self.
You might
want to look at the "rules" that are holding you
back from trusting and if you want to change those rules.
The good
part of this is that we all can change the rules that we've
made up that are no longer working for us.
If we
do, we can create more of what we want.
Simple?
Our rules
can be flexible if we allow them to be and we can open to
allowing them to morph and flow with another person's rules.
We can
deepen our trust in one another.
Here's
a really simple example...
This past
weekend we were at a seminar that was held in a city that
was 7 hours from our home so we decided to drive.
When we've
done this in the past, we've left the seminar a little early
on the last day so we could drive the 7 hours home that evening.
Typically,
we'd get home about 2am and would actually not accomplish
a lot the next day because we were too tired from the trip.
Now, although
we would both agree to this "rule," (leaving the
seminar early and driving home immediately) it was mainly
Susie's desire to get home so we could be productive the next
day.
After
doing this several times and NOT being productive the next
day, it dawned on Susie that maybe her rule might not be the
only way to look at this situation.
This time
we decided to stay over night and leave the next day after
the seminar ended. We had a great trip and actually got a
lot of planning work done in the car.
By being flexible, looking at the situation a little differently
and changing some rules, we had an experience that seemed
to flow.
It deepened
our trust for one another as we realized that we were both
open and willing to looking at a situation differently to
get a better result.
Here are
some ideas on how to change some of the rules that may be
keeping you from loving deeper and trusting the people in
your life more...
1. Look
at what seems difficult or lacks ease in your life. What are
the rules underneath your dis-ease?
Maybe
you are expecting someone to act in a certain way and he or
she isn't playing along with your rule.
2. Talk
with your partner about your rules and be open to hearing
your partner's rules without judging them.
Realize
that you each have choices and these rules aren't created
in stone.
3. Decide
if you are willing to change or be a little easier with those
rules.
If your
rule is one that is in total alignment with your values and
what you stand for, you may not want to change it--let's say
something big like monogamy in the relationship.
But you
might be a little easier about your "monogamy" rule
if it includes that your partner cannot talk or be alone with
someone of the opposite gender--even though your partner appears
to be faithful.
4. Look
for evidence of more trust and ease between the two of you.
One woman
was very upset that her husband hadn't been wearing his wedding
ring and made up a lot of negative stories about why
he had stopped.
Her rule
said that if her husband wore his wedding ring, it was an
outward sign of his love and commitment.
Although
she still believed in the symbol of their wedding ring, she
eased her belief about what it meant that he wasn't wearing
it.
Instead
of focusing on his not wearing his wedding ring, she began
focusing on the experience that she wanted with him.
As she
shifted her rule and her focus, more trust and love actually
showed up in the relationship for both of them.
So this
week, we invite you to open to looking at what is difficult
in your life and your rule that is holding this difficulty
in
place.
Look for
opportunities to create ease in your relationship while still
being true to who you are.
Look for
opportunities to shift your focus to what you want.
For more
ideas about building trust, especially after an affair, visit
http://www.RelationshipTrust.com
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Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins,
authors of "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" and "No More
Jealousy" are experts at helping people get more of the love
they really want. Learn the 5 keys to a closer, more loving
relationship, click below for your free 5-part mini-course:
http://www.Relationshipgold.com
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