It’s one of the most frustrating moments a person can have…
When you realize that you’ve been in this same spot before in a relationship that crashed and burned, feeling disheartened and wondering if you will ever find love that lasts.
You promised yourself that THIS time it would be different.
THIS time you won’t be lied to, cheated on, taken for granted, ignored or treated with disrespect. Unfortunately, THIS time ended up feeling just about the same as it did the last time.
As you realize that you made the exact same mistakes that you’ve made in the past with your ex, you might start to question whether you’ll ever attract a partner who is right for you.
If you feel stuck being single and you don’t want to be, your realization might be that you have made the same false starts and missteps in the past when dating.
You thought you were past making mistakes like these but, it turns out, you weren’t.
We have good news for you…
Even if it seems like you can’t help but act and react in the very same ways over and over again with potential dates or the one you are already dating, you aren’t as doomed to repeat the past as you think.
As impossible as it might seem, your past pains and mistakes aren’t something you are cursed to repeat. In fact, this very moment can mark your first steps away from that negative cycle.
To take that first step in the direction of attracting the close and connected relationship you’ve been yearning for, begin to paying attention to your thoughts. You’ll get even more stuck the more you tell yourself (and say to others) things like…
“I always attract losers.”
“My dates never respect me.”
“The good ones are taken.”
“I’m doomed to be alone and unhappy.”
You might not think these exact thoughts, but the feeling behind what you regularly think and say about your love life is the same.
Notice your habitual thoughts about attracting a partner and ask yourself if you’re truly open to what you want or if you’re mostly fixated on what you’ve experienced before and what you don’t want.
Make a conscious effort to stop yourself from continuing to think thoughts that keep you stuck in the disappointments of the past. Instead, try these dating tips…
Tip #1: Know what did NOT work in the past.
You don’t have to lose yourself in negativity to learn from your past. In fact, if you’re in denial about your role in what happened (or didn’t happen) in past relationships, you are more likely to repeat dating mistakes.
When you think back over you past, be on the lookout for patterns. How have you usually communicated with dates or partners in the past? What, for you, is “normal” when it comes to interacting with your date?
Be especially aware of your habits that seemed to push your date or partner away. What did you say or do that contributed to distance, mistrust or conflict?
Please know, we aren’t asking you to take the blame for past heartaches. There is always a complex dynamic that leads a date or relationship to fizzle out and end. We do encourage you to acknowledge your behaviors that may have played a role.
When you know what you habitually do that might not be healthy for a relationship, then you can know where to make changes in the future. As uncomfortable as this may be, it’s absolutely key to stopping the cycle of pain.
Tip #2: Remember what DID work.
As you identify the things you have said or done in the past that did not work to support what you want, be sure to notice what DID work.
You probably experienced some moments of closeness, enjoyment and passion in the past. What were you doing just prior to those pleasing moments? How did you behave and how were you communicating with your partner at the time?
This is just as valuable to make note of.
While every person and every relationship is unique, recognizing your habits that helped you experience what you like and want more of is useful information. And, it’s often transferable to new situations too.
When you remember what works, you can make a point to include more of those actions and words in the future.
Tip #3: Clean up your baggage.
If there’s one thing that’s the same for just about all of us, it’s that we each carry a whole lot of baggage. Our “baggage” consists of our expectations, beliefs, guilt, resentment, bitterness and more. In other words, it’s the residue from past dating or relationship experiences that we drag along with us into present interactions with others.
Do whatever you can to clean up your baggage and lighten your load.
This might mean that you start making completions with your past. Forgive your ex for hurting you and forgive yourself for being taken for a fool or for being hurtful too. Forgive and then release what you tend to carry around with you.
This alone will do wonders to get you unstuck from your past patterns and allow you the freedom to attract the relationship you’ve been wanting.
Tip #4: Be present.
Another wonderful side effect of cleaning up your baggage is that it makes it easier for you to be fully present as you meet new people or spend time with those you already know.
When you’re present, you’re more likely know what’s true for you and to communicate that clearly and honestly. You can also actually listen to what your date or partner is saying, instead of reacting to your version of what you think he or she is saying.
This means fewer misunderstandings, less confusion and a greater likelihood of connection and happiness.