Dating Success Tips: Don’t Make the Same Mistakes

Dating Success Tips: Don’t Make the Same Mistakes

It’s one of the most frustrating moments a person can have…

When you realize that you’ve been in this same spot before in a relationship that crashed and burned, feeling disheartened and wondering if you will ever find love that lasts.

You promised yourself that THIS time it would be different.

THIS time you won’t be lied to, cheated on, taken for granted, ignored or treated with disrespect. Unfortunately, THIS time ended up feeling just about the same as it did the last time.

As you realize that you made the exact same mistakes that you’ve made in the past with your ex, you might start to question whether you’ll ever attract a partner who is right for you.

If you feel stuck being single and you don’t want to be, your realization might be that you have made the same false starts and missteps in the past when dating.

You thought you were past making mistakes like these but, it turns out, you weren’t.

We have good news for you… 

Even if it seems like you can’t help but act and react in the very same ways over and over again with potential dates or the one you are already dating, you aren’t as doomed to repeat the past as you think.

As impossible as it might seem, your past pains and mistakes aren’t something you are cursed to repeat. In fact, this very moment can mark your first steps away from that negative cycle.

To take that first step in the direction of attracting the close and connected relationship you’ve been yearning for, begin to paying attention to your thoughts. You’ll get even more stuck the more you tell yourself (and say to others) things like…

“I always attract losers.”
“My dates never respect me.”
“The good ones are taken.”
“I’m doomed to be alone and unhappy.” 

You might not think these exact thoughts, but the feeling behind what you regularly think and say about your love life is the same.

Notice your habitual thoughts about attracting a partner and ask yourself if you’re truly open to what you want or if you’re mostly fixated on what you’ve experienced before and what you don’t want.

Make a conscious effort to stop yourself from continuing to think thoughts that keep you stuck in the disappointments of the past. Instead, try these dating tips…

Tip #1: Know what did NOT work in the past.

You don’t have to lose yourself in negativity to learn from your past. In fact, if you’re in denial about your role in what happened (or didn’t happen) in past relationships, you are more likely to repeat dating mistakes.

When you think back over you past, be on the lookout for patterns. How have you usually communicated with dates or partners in the past? What, for you, is “normal” when it comes to interacting with your date?

Be especially aware of your habits that seemed to push your date or partner away. What did you say or do that contributed to distance, mistrust or conflict?

Please know, we aren’t asking you to take the blame for past heartaches. There is always a complex dynamic that leads a date or relationship to fizzle out and end. We do encourage you to acknowledge your behaviors that may have played a role.

When you know what you habitually do that might not be healthy for a relationship, then you can know where to make changes in the future. As uncomfortable as this may be, it’s absolutely key to stopping the cycle of pain.

Tip #2:  Remember what DID work.

As you identify the things you have said or done in the past that did not work to support what you want, be sure to notice what DID work.

You probably experienced some moments of closeness, enjoyment and passion in the past. What were you doing just prior to those pleasing moments? How did you behave and how were you communicating with your partner at the time?

This is just as valuable to make note of.

While every person and every relationship is unique, recognizing your habits that helped you experience what you like and want more of is useful information. And, it’s often transferable to new situations too.

When you remember what works, you can make a point to include more of those actions and words in the future.

Tip #3: Clean up your baggage.

If there’s one thing that’s the same for just about all of us, it’s that we each carry a whole lot of baggage. Our “baggage” consists of our expectations, beliefs, guilt, resentment, bitterness and more. In other words, it’s the residue from past dating or relationship experiences that we drag along with us into present interactions with others.

Do whatever you can to clean up your baggage and lighten your load.

This might mean that you start making completions with your past. Forgive your ex for hurting you and forgive yourself for being taken for a fool or for being hurtful too. Forgive and then release what you tend to carry around with you.

This alone will do wonders to get you unstuck from your past patterns and allow you the freedom to attract the relationship you’ve been wanting.

Tip #4: Be present.

Another wonderful side effect of cleaning up your baggage is that it makes it easier for you to be fully present as you meet new people or spend time with those you already know.

When you’re present, you’re more likely know what’s true for you and to communicate that clearly and honestly. You can also actually listen to what your date or partner is saying, instead of reacting to your version of what you think he or she is saying.

This means fewer misunderstandings, less confusion and a greater likelihood of connection and happiness.

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Comments

  1. Loving a liar and emtional jealous man says:

    What do you do when your boyfriend after one year, go to his ex fiance father funeral. He lied about going and embraced her. He also have talked about situation with them to me on a number of occations. He feel he’s telling me is ok. I explain it is offending me I don’t want to hear about another women and him. The ex fiance and him separated over six years ago. She is still calling him now.

    Also right after catching him in a lie he tell me he want to meet with another lover’s daughter. This woman and him lived together over four years ago. They separated four years ago and he has not spoken with this young lady since then. But just all of a sudden he want to communicate with her. He said she sent him a invitation to her graduation in May but supposably he didn’t attend.

    Resently he arguing with me about anything and he is extremely jealous of any man speaking to me.

    I am ready to walk away from this relationship.

    • RelGold says:

      It sounds like some big warning bells are going off in your relationship and it’s wise that you’re taking a second look. It could be that your boyfriend is only friends with his ex fiance and his other ex too or it could be that he is not telling you the truth. Review the facts that you have that are making you suspicious. It sounds like you have proof that he lied to you in one case, are there other inconsistencies or things that just don’t add up? The more facts and reliable information you have the better.

      Ultimately, you need to decide if this is a healthy relationship for you to stay in. Make the decision based on facts, not what you think things might mean.

      His jealousy is something for you to address if you plan to stay in the relationship. Be honest with him about how you feel when he is jealous of other men speaking to you and set some boundaries with him. Create some agreements about communication– especially if you’ve been arguing frequently.

      These free articles address some of the issues you’ve brought up in more detail:
      http://www.relationshipgold.com/jealousy/partnersjealousmeltdown.htm# (when he gets jealous)
      http://www.relationshiptrust.com/Lying/suspicions.htm# (signs of lying)

      Best Wishes,
      Susie and Otto

    • Loving Liar says:

      Hi! I just read your post about loving a liar and jealous man. My heart goes out to you. I have been in a similar situation recently. My personal experience has been that the lies do not stop. The man I was involved with always blamed me for lying. He would say things like he could not be honest because I would be upset or it would lead to a discussion or he did not want me to worry or he did not want to hurt my feelings. The bottom line is that lying destroys trust. So, how can you really believe anything he tells you including his feelings for you. I feel your pain and I am so sorry you are going through this. I think his lying was disrespectful to you. It damages trust. I think his jealousy is suspicious. Is he jealous because of what he has been doing and is worried that you are doing the same? So he is projecting this onto you. Also, why is he still in touch with these exes? It’s like he is keeping other women on the back burner as some sort of safety in case things don’t work out with you. And then, to top it off, he is lying to you about it. You are in a tough place. I wish you luck with your decision and hope that you will be happy and be treasured.

      • RelGold says:

        Loving Liar: You bring up a really important point. Sometimes a person who is lying or cheating or even jealous will accuse his (or her) partner to deflect and try to cover what is really going on (this might not even be intentional). It can be confusing and upsetting. Focus on the facts and if you don’t have facts, make a list of observable behaviors and the reliable information you do have. It’s in your best interests to make an informed decision about what is wise for you to do– to stay in the relationship or leave it. After a traumatic and painful relationship, your best bet for NOT making the same mistakes in another relationship is to take the time to heal and make some completions with what happened.

        Best Wishes,
        Susie and Otto

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