You might be feeling “torn apart” after your divorce.
Perhaps it was a huge surprise to you. You truly had no idea that your partner was going to end your marriage. Even if you could see the breakup coming and it wasn’t a surprise, it’s likely that you still feel broken-hearted.
As much as you might like to turn back time and prevent the end of your relationship, you simply can’t do that. What you can do, is be gentle with yourself and allow the healing to begin.
In the midst of your strong– and possibly mixed- emotions about you marriage that just ended, the whole notion of healing and feeling good again might seem unlikely, even impossible. You might be replaying in your mind the events that led up to your breakup. Some people get caught up in playing the “What if”game. “What if I’d said or done ________ differently?” Or “What if only ______ hadn’t happened.”
Re-playing the past or even playing it out differently in your mind simply won’t help you feel better right now– or even in the near future. Instead, you will probably only mire yourself in the anger, grief and sadness deeper and longer.
On the other hand, you might be thinking about the future in the aftermath of your divorce. You might worry that you’ll never feel love again. Perhaps you saw your ex as the “best” you could ever attract. Now that he or she is gone, you fear that you’ll never find another person to love you. Because of your age, socio-economic status or perceived appearance, you might believe that this was your only chance at love and there won’t be another.
Do your best to release any thoughts like these. You absolutely don’t know any of that to be true. While you may not be ready to think about getting into a new love relationship right now, don’t make yourself feel worse by thinking that the relationship that just ended was your only or best chance at love. It isn’t necessarily so.
So what can you do to start the healing when you feel “torn up”inside?
Tip #1: Allow your feelings but don’t be overwhelmed by them.
Some advise those with a broken heart to get out and have some fun. Create diversions for yourself, those sources might say. We disagree to some extent with such advice. It is beneficial to let yourself feel what you are feeling. We’ve all probably tried to stuff down our emotions at one time or another. And this almost always results in an intensified and concentrated “meltdown.”
If you find writing useful, start journaling. If you like to sing or dance, do that. You don’t even have to be creative. You might sit on your couch and just let yourself have a good cry. Allow yourself to grieve or vent your anger or whatever needs to come out. Just let it flow and don’t judge yourself for what’s coming out.
As overwhelming as your feelings might seem, don’t allow them to take over you. Yes, you are going through a difficult time right now. But these feelings are not the sum total of who you are. It is important to find that balance of feeling what you are feeling and also coming back to the capable, confident and lovable you who is also present– but perhaps seems hidden right now.
Tip #2: Find ease and comfort in the “little things.”
Be on the lookout for those seemingly insignificant things that help you feel comfort. We’re not talking about that carton of ice cream in your freezer here! Maybe you could cultivate some self-appreciation for the way you completed a task at your work or around your home. It could be something as simple as re-arranging some furniture in your house. Whatever brings you some morsel of ease and perhaps even pleasure, notice that and build on those feelings.
You can also derive ease and comfort from friends and family. Try to surround yourself with people who are positive and seem uplifting to you at this time. This is the energy that will help you turn toward healing. There might be times when you feel the need to share difficult emotions with those close to you. Be clear with these people what you want from the sharing. If you merely want them to listen and offer a loving hug, then communicate that. If you’re open to suggestions, let that be known too.
When your heart feels broken and you are “torn up” about the end of your marriage, you are being called upon to take extra loving care of your self. As alone as you might feel right now, know that you can turn to the sources of comfort that may already be in your life. You just have to look for those sources of ease and uplift and allow yourself to receive.