She doesn’t know if giving her boyfriend a second chance after he cheated was a good idea. Her mother and sister call her naive and her friends have told her their concerns as well.

It seems that everyone around Jennifer thinks she’s making a big mistake. They’re worried that she’ll get hurt again.

She has the same worry.

Even though Jennifer’s family and friends caution her about trusting her boyfriend too easily, it does seem like he’s trying to change.

He’s told her that he’s sorry over and over again. He texts and emails with her throughout the day. He lets her know what he’s doing and who he’s spending time with when they’re not together.

Jennifer appreciates her boyfriend’s efforts, but there is still nagging doubt. She is afraid that this is all temporary and, at some point when she least expects it, he’ll cheat again.

Stay awake and aware.

If you are with a partner who lied or cheated in the past, it’s important to stay awake and aware. We do NOT advise you to make it your goal to catch your mate in a lie, but we do recommend that you pay close attention.

Pay attention to what your partner says and does. Notice how open or how closed down and distant he or she is with you. This is a time to really focus in on the reliable proof you have– proof that you’re being told the truth or proof that something is not adding up.

Re-teach yourself how (and when) to trust.

Rebuilding trust after an affair can take time. After giving your partner a second chance, you probably aren’t going to wake up one day and all of your hesitation will magically be gone. It rarely happens this way.

Instead, you’re going to need to re-teach yourself how to trust. You’re going to want to be wise about this and, as we said, stay awake and aware of observable information you have about your partner and your relationship.

Make sure you are giving your mate credit when he or she does do something that is trustworthy. Too often, the betrayal of the past is held onto and it overshadows what’s going on now…which might actually be hopeful and positive.

Don’t cling to your anger and resentment about your partner’s cheating. Take the time to process your emotions and let them go. Keep reminding yourself of what your partner is doing right now and how he or she has possibly changed recently.

Ultimately, we advise you to be wise. There is no guarantee that your partner will not betray you again (or that he or she will). But, you can watch your partner and listen to your own inner wisdom. Make the decision about whether or not to trust based on what you observe.

3 signs that it’s wise to trust again:

#1: Your partner’s words match his or her actions.

It is oh so true that actions speak louder than words. It can be comforting to hear your partner say, “I’m sorry” for the affair, but it is truly healing to see consistent actions that show your partner is making amends.

When you see that your partner is keeping promises and agreements that the two of you made, this is significant.

If there seem to be inconsistencies between your partner’s words and actions, look a little deeper before making an accusation. Because of the past cheating, your suspicions might come up more quickly. Ask yourself if it is possible that there are other valid reasons why your partner didn’t keep his or her word.

#2: Your partner is honest when it’s difficult.

Keep in mind, sometimes inconsistencies don’t mean that your partner is having another affair. If your relationship has been strained, your partner might lie as a way to avoid jealousy, a fight or looking guilty (when actually innocent).

It can get tricky to know what’s true, so try not to jump to conclusions.

This is why it is a really big deal when your partner IS honest and upfront with you about a difficult topic. When your partner admits that he did get a text from his ex or that she did run into that guy from work who flirts with her, give credit for the honesty.

The temptation might be to hide something that could seem suspicious, but your partner chose to tell you about it instead. Keep your cool and acknowledge this. Again, look at the verifiable facts and ask yourself whether or not what you’re being told makes logical sense.

#3: There is a new openness.

Remember, when your partner is honest about conflicting or painful emotions or about opinions that are different from your own, this is another demonstration of trustability.

In so many cases of infidelity, there was a distance between the two people before the cheating occurred. While it was your partner’s decision to cheat, you may have played a role in this distance forming.

When you experience a new or renewed sense of openness in your relationship, this is another sign that it’s wise to trust again.

The openness might relate to practical matters– like your partner being transparent about actions and people he or she has been spending time with. There also could be an emotional openness.

Your partner might do some soul searching about why he or she cheated in the first place and share that discovery with you. He or she could confide in you about some deep feelings that you didn’t know about before.

This sense of openness is a gift that you can also give in return, as you are ready.

“What are some things you could start doing (or doing more of) right now that would have an immediate positive impact on your marriage right now?”

Here are a few suggestions that we use in our own marriage to keep it rich, growing and alive over the years–that will work for you too…

1. Say something nice, positive or uplifting to your partner at least once a day.

This is such a simple thing.

Everyone wants to feel loved, appreciated and understood.  Telling them something small like  “I really loved seeing your smile last night at dinner” or  “I’m so proud of you for the way you’ve been doing __________” or “I’m glad you’re my partner, husband / wife, friend” can really make your relationship sing.

Try it. One positive thing a day. Who knows, you may want to do more than one a day after you see what it does for you and your marriage.

2. Stop Talking On Eggshells

Life’s too short to hold back from opening your heart and mind to the people closest to you.  If there is any part of you that worries about what someone else’s reaction might be or what they’ll say, think or how they’ll react when you share what’s real for you– then we suggest you download a copy of our  Stop Talking On Eggshells program right now

One word of caution here about giving yourself permission to “Stop Talking On Eggshells”– when you do this, don’t think this gives you permission to go overboard and treat your spouse any way you’d like just because you make a new decision to not hold back any more.  Learn how to disclose what you’re thinking and feeling in a way that opens him or her instead of puts your partner on the defensive.

3. Learn To “Question Your Thoughts…”

This is something we’ve learned to do over the past few years that has changed EVERY aspect of our lives for the better. What we find is that our minds work overtime. If you’re like most people, you’re constantly thinking and believing thoughts that take you away from what it is you want.

What we’re suggesting you do is to “question” your thoughts that you think that take you away from what you want. A simple question like “Is that true?” can help bring you back to what’s really happening and stop the untrue stories that swirl around in your mind.

4. Commit, really commit to being in your marriage

One of the biggest contributors to pain and disconnection in relationships and marriages is having one foot in the relationship and one foot out the door. We’ve had many people who were trying to decide whether to stay in or leave a relationship buy our Should You Stay or Should You Go? program and tell us later that  they had no idea how much they had already “left” the marriage until they really took a look at their thoughts and behavior.

If you are in a marriage–really commit to it, stay in it and do everything you can to make it the best you could ever possibly imagine.

At some point, you may decide that this marriage isn’t right for you anymore. But, if you’re in it–commit, really commit to it.

5. Spend less time in your mind and more time in your heart.

This means, spend less time making up stories about  how things won’t work out, how awful a situation is. Spend more time finding the “loving” and living from that place of love, kindness and possibility rather than fear.

Get better at communicating and using words that connect you instead of words that put distance between you and your lover or a person you care about. Learn how to use what we call Magic Relationship Words to pull you closer and eliminate fights, arguments and disconnection.

A good or even a great marriage doesn’t happen by accident and there are always ways to make one happier. Try some of our suggestions and see how your marriage can change for the better.

In order to have the intimacy, connection and love that you want, we suggest that you recognize what you do to shut it off and that takes looking at your thoughts and what you do as a result of those thoughts.

One of most difficult things to do is stay open when your story of how something or someone should be clashes with someone else’s story of how it should be. You end up shutting off intimacy, connection and love with your behavior–and sometimes it can never be regained.

Here are 17 ways you might react when things don’t go your way…

• You get defensive, react from old patterns and memories and close to your partner.
• You withdraw your energy and your physical body
• You lash out at the other person
• You get controlling
• You become submissive but angry and resentful and your anger may come out later over something else
• You make sarcastic remarks
• You roll your eyes or make faces when your partner speaks
• You say and do things you regret later
• You forget parts of what happened (maybe your part in the conflict)
• You blow what happened out of proportion—making your response more dramatic and intense than the situation warranted
• You assume and you generalize
• You make the other person the enemy in your mind
• You physically walk away or shift your attention to the tv or computer.
• Your physical body pulls back.
• Your chest (or other body part) gets rigid
• Your body language shows your upset
• You avert your eyes.

When someone acts in a way we don’t like (or fails to act), we punish them by shutting our love off in one or more of those ways—but that never solves the problem. We usually end up getting more of the same instead of what we want.

For example–Tom forgets to pick up the toys after his time with the kids and often leaves his clothes on the floor even though he’s agreed to pick up the toys and his clothes. He gets defensive and angry with Monica when she challenges him on his lack of follow-through.

Monica deliberately leaves things on the bottom step because she knows he doesn’t like it–just to get back at him. She rolls her eyes a and walks off when he tries to talk to her and tell her it’s not fair. Nothing gets resolved and they are moving further and further apart with each argument they have about who is right.

If Tom and Monica would realize what they each do that makes their disagreements worse and pushes them further apart, they could stop doing it and open to looking for solutions instead of dwelling on what they are each doing that’s wrong.

The amount of intimacy and love you have in your life is up to you. We invite you to choose love more of the time.

What’s important here is to tell you that we absolutely believe that *if* you want to attract a new, perfect partner and lover to you and keep lasting love… we believe that YOU or anyone can do it.

We also believe that there are some really BIG Barriers that many people put in their way of attracting and keeping the love they say they want.

Here are 3 of the biggest barriers we’ve seen people unwittingly create that holds them back from getting what they want…

Barrier # 1: Counter-Intentions

People who don’t have the love they want very often create “counter-intentions” that actually keep love away instead of attracting it, pulling it to them and keeping it close.

A counter-intention might be desiring a close, connected relationship but staying so busy that there’s no time for one.

This is what it would feel like if you had your right foot pressed down on the accelerator pedal and your left foot crammed down on the brakes. You could hear and feel the engine revving up but since you had your other foot planted firmly on the brakes you just wouldn’t go anywhere (at least until you wore out the brakes).

In order to find, attract and keep the love that you want, you have to remove any “counter-intentions” from your mind and let go of the things that are stopping love from coming in.

Barrier # 2 : Creating Stories Inside You That Repel Love

Men and women who unconsciously keep love away often create stories within themselves that they believe, that actually repels love and keeps it away instead of creating stories within themselves that allow them to be open to the love they want to come in.

The stories we tell ourselves that we believe about ourselves, others and love determine everything.

One women we talked to recently who was just coming out of an abusive relationship said to us that “All men are full of baggage and not worth the trouble.” What if she told herself a different story about how much she was learning in her relationships and how much they were helping her to know what she wants in her next one?

Wouldn’t this be dramatically different?

We think so.

This is why we talk so much about creating “new” stories about love in our new Automatic Attraction Secrets program.

Barrier # 3 To Love: Unwillingness To Face Your Fears

People who say they want love (but don’t have the love they want), in many cases, have big time fears about love and aren’t willing to “face their fears” about it.

They fear if they open themselves to love, they’ll get hurt (or hurt again).

They fear their freedom will be taken away; they sometimes fear for their physical safety and also fears like they won’t be valued, heard or “seen” if they open themselves to love.

The thing about fear is that there’s no way through it other than through it.

Even people who’ve been in “happy” relationships have limiting fears that keep them from having their love be as deep as possible.

So what you want to do is lovingly challenge the fear.

Challenge whether you are going to allow your fears to keep you from having the love and romance you want.

If you have fears come up about anything in your life… don’t take it as a sign to STOP.

Take your fears as a sign to pay attention to something.

It may be that you don’t move forward in a particular relationship or it could be a sign that it’s time to move past a particular fear that isn’t serving you and embrace love in new ways in your life with open arms.

Attracting the love you want can be easier than you thought when you discover the barriers you have created and take them down one-by-one.

Here are 3 secrets that we’ve discovered in keeping the spark alive long after the honeymoon in our own relationship that we want to share with you so you can experience the intimacy you want…

1. Get on the same team
This seems so obvious but “getting on the same team” and getting the two of you lined up in the same way and focused in the same direction is one of the real challenges of relationships.

We can tell you from personal experience that when you get yourself and your partner working as a team as you move through life together, you can literally conquer anything and everything that gets in your way of keeping the passion, love and connection alive and your relationship close.

When you create a sense of working toward a common objective and lined up in the same direction with the same purpose, everything seems easier. Disagreements are less intense and don’t last as long.

Most couples don’t feel they’re always (or even sometimes) on the same team and you can’t get closer when you’re not. Now having different desires is a normal process of living. The magic’s in how you deal with and navigate those differences.

When we got together, we made a decision and the intention that we would be allies and supporters of one another on the path to love. We didn’t discover just how important it was until we started clashing with one another and would lose our connection.

We learned ways to get back into delicious oneness feeling and to get on the same team and we suggest you actively do the same.

2. Find and use ways to calm and soothe yourself when things get tough.

One of the things you can absolutely count on in a relationship or marriage is that there will be challenges.

There will be times when the two of you are at odds with each other (because we all have different desires and they sometimes clash) and you’ll argue, have small (or not so small) disagreements and even fight. For some couples these challenges can be so intense or painful that you just want to throw in the towel and give up. But you don’t do this because the love (at least at some level) is still there. You STILL care about each other and you still want to be together.

When challenges come up (and they will), it is critically important that you have ways to calm yourself and “soothe” yourself no matter what is going on or how crazy the situation is.

Calming yourself down and being able to “soothe” yourself is so important if you want to “get closer” because if you’re not able to do that, you both get defensive, resentments get inflamed and the walls get built in your relationship. As you probably already know, you can’t get closer if you are upset, agitated and not able to look at, talk to and treat your partner with the same kindness love and consideration that you would give someone who was a friend.

In a perfect world, we’d all like to be calm all of the time but because of stressful thoughts and the way other people act that we think they shouldn’t, we sometimes lose it—and we aren’t calm. And our relationships suffer and may eventually end if we don’t learn this very important relationship skill.

One way to learn to calm yourself is to come into awareness of what you do when you get agitated. When you know what you do, that’s a signal to take a deep breath and to challenge your untrue stories about the situation. When you challenge your untrue stories, you’re better able to listen to your loved one with more of an open mind rather than one that’s already made up something that might destroy your relationship.

3. Recognize your relationship dance and learn how to change the music and shift out of gridlock when you’re out of step.

What we’ve discovered both in our personal relationship and in working with hundreds of coaching clients is that EVERYONE who is in a relationship or married has a particular “dance” or “pattern” that goes on between the two of you that causes almost every one of your fights, upsets or disagreements.

This is the way it is for us and almost everyone. One of our coaching clients put it THIS way: “It’s almost like we’ve repeated the same fight and had the same argument every week of our marriage for the past 30 years.”

This is crazy, isn’t it? But this is what we do in our important relationships. We take a position and we fight and hold on to our desire to be “right,” almost at any cost.

It’s helpful to become aware what your “pattern” of upsets in your relationship are and to work to recognize this “dance” that goes on between you and your partner. Then shift out of the dance and out of gridlock if you get stuck.

Everyone that’s in a relationship has habitual patterns–how you think, react, respond to each other—and it gets really interesting when your habits and patterns cause you to get “out of sync” with your partner.

These dynamics that get created when our wants, needs, desires and ways of looking at the world are what we call the relationship dance.

Once you recognize your particular relationship dance, you then experiment with ways to shift it.

If you don’t, it’s relationship gridlock—where the same pattern comes up over and over–both people know they’re right—and nothing gets resolved.

Relationship dances are habits that you’ve created—maybe this is the way you watched your mother treating your father or maybe how someone treated you as you were growing up.

You are worth more than to spend your time hurting someone else with these behaviors or possibly getting hurt by the other person.

Getting stuck in any of these and feeling disconnected for days is not what we are willing to do anymore. We made a conscious commitment to stop when we’re in one of our relationship dances, bring ourselves into remembering our agreements, to listen, to act like we’re best friends, and to take responsibility for the situation.

We invite you to use these 3 secrets in your relationship so that you can have the intimacy and closeness you’ve always wanted!

When you and your partner are feeling resistant and “hard” toward each other, it doesn’t lead to more intimacy and the love you want. It leads to more distance and feelings of aloneness–even when you’re in the same bed.

What you might be saying right now may go something like this…

“Okay, Susie and Otto, that’s all well and good BUT I’m justified to pull away from my partner because of the way he/she acts! There’s no way I’m opening to him/her after the way he’s /she’s been.”

If that’s what you’re thinking, we can certainly sympathize because we’ve felt exactly that way many times before. Your thought might be…

“I know I SHOULD open to my partner but it’s not really in me to do it–and I feel like if I did, I’d be a doormat, caving in and giving ME away.

It really comes down to this question…

“How can I open and soften toward him/her if he’s/she’s just acted like a jerk (in my judgment) without losing my power and giving up me?”

Believe us when we say that we’ve played with this one for quite a few years and here’s what we’ve discovered…

You can do both–you can open and soften so you can listen and talk to your partner and still stay into the truth of who you are.

Here’s what happened the other day to us that illustrates what we’re trying to tell you…

Because Susie broke her foot recently, she hasn’t been able to take her share of the chores around the house and most of them have been falling on Otto. While he’s wonderful about taking them on, it’s not easy for one person to get everything done. So although for the most part we’re very loving with each other, sometimes we’re not.

The other day, Otto made a comment in passing that previously would have triggered an angry response in Susie–and a sarcastic remark–that certainly would have instantly brought up
his defenses and anger. Even though she realized that uncomfortable feelings came up, she didn’t respond immediately.

She just took a breath and sat with those feelings until they had less of a charge to them. Later she asked him this question in a way that invited an answer instead of pushing him away…

“When you said ———————–, I’m wondering what you meant by that.”

(BTW–”I’m wondering” is one of those Magic phrases and you can find more of them by going to http://www.MagicRelationshipWords.com )

After Otto explained the meaning behind his words, she was able to understand where he was coming from when he said them and realize that they weren’t disrespectful towards her as she had imagined.

Because she didn’t automatically react to what she thought Otto said, we were able to clear up a misunderstanding very quickly.

Did Susie lose herself by opening to him and asking that question? Of course not.

Did our connection stay close because she chose to be curious and find out more?

Most certainly.

So if you can relate in any way to what we’re saying, we’re inviting you to practice what we’re suggesting and see what happens in your relationship.

One (or both) of you usually gets mad, you fight, you feel hurt and you withdraw into stony silence.

One (or both of you) may pick at the other about all kinds of small things (the way he chews his food; the way she watches the Lifetime channel when you want to watch something else) and you can get really mean in your attacks. In other words, you have a full-blown fight that lasts for days, weeks, months or years.

So why do we shut down to each other and fight with each other?

Here are a few reasons…

1. Fear—of getting hurt again and being made a fool of
2. Some triggering event that we can’t forget
3. Punishment for when we’ve been hurt in the past
4. Protection against perceived future pain
5. We don’t understand that other person, the situation or even how or why he/she is reacting to it the way they are

Here’s what we know to be true…

There will always be conflict and partners who love one another will always close to one another because you’re looking at two different desire systems. We think something needs to be changed or different in the other person—and the other person thinks that something needs to be changed or different in us.

Here’s the way intimate relationships usually work…

Romantic love ends or starts to fade away when there’s a commitment and the power struggle begins. This power struggle comes from our differences which translate into past experiences, habits, and looking at life in one way. Both people have different unconscious expectations and neither one talks about what those expectations are.

What happens is usually one or both adopt coping strategies for dealing with power struggles–We close to each other and withdraw; we start leading separate lives; we immerse ourselves in workaholism; we stop looking for excuses for being together. Withdrawing from each other becomes a habit or a rut.

If this is happening in your relationship, how can you begin to open to each other…

The truth is that someone has to take first step—to be the fire starter— and open first. Here are 3 ways to start the ball rolling toward the love and intimacy that you want…

1. Start listening to the way you talk to your partner and stop yourself if you get caught up in blame and drama.

We all get caught up in blame and drama but when it becomes a habit, stop yourself and become an invitation instead. Speak with an invitation of openness and authenticity rather than being accusatory.

Here’s a good example of what we’re talking about from our Magic Relationship Words program…

“I’d like to spend more time with you”— instead of this– “We never do anything together anymore and you never talk to me.”

Ask yourself—Would how I’m acting make me feel safe or feel like I could or would want to open to me?

2. Give positive attention—maybe the way you used to.

Of course we all change and are not same people we were when we were first together as a couple. But probably there’s something that you once did with each other that you no longer do. It might be something as simple as a smile when your partner comes home.

3. Don’t be afraid to say what’s true for you in a way your partner can hear.

Know that you deserve to be heard and your honesty just may open conversation that leads to resolution and closeness. When you stay with what’s true for you and what you feel, instead of pointing your finger at your partner, just may wake your partner up to what the real issue is for you and its impact on you.

We’ve seen it many times where deep intimacy is created when one person is willing to be vulnerable and just say what emotion he or she is feeling.

Something like this…

“I’m feeling really sad right now because…” is far better than “Why did you do this?”

There are ways to get that closeness and intimacy back that you once had and these are 3 ways to do that. Take a moment now and decide if you want to keep doing what’s not working or if you want to try something new that will bring you more of what you want.

“Romance is dead…”

While this isn’t true for everyone or for every couple…

The truth is that for MANY women and couples, this is absolutely true.

Women especially tell us that they want more love, more connection and more romance these days from their partners–and they’re angry.

Women are telling us that they want the men in their life to once again make them feel like the most special woman in the world… but they think their men just aren’t stepping up.

Guys are expected to know what romance is and then do it, right?

Well it’s nice if it works that way but usually it doesn’t.

When a woman doesn’t think her guy is romantic enough—she pulls away, she silently (or not so silently) punishes him, complains about all kinds of things.

When that happens, a man pulls away, gets even more absorbed in work or sports—and they move even further apart.

Reality of where most couples are…

When couples get together, there’s usually connection and romance between the two people. Then inevitably the honeymoon period ends and the spark dies.

After that, people may find that their relationship has turned into one of these kinds of relationships—cordial roommates; fight all the time; lead separate lives; bored; live for the kids; focused more on work than each other; no surprises; no touching; no sex.

What happens?

Most people stop doing those things that keep the spark alive. They hold their partner to higher standard, they get lazy, they take partner for granted, they stop looking at one another, they focus anything other than their relationship.

So if you’re a woman and can relate to what we’re saying, what can I do to get him to be more romantic?

Here are 3 ways to experiment with in your relationship…

1. Decide what romance and being romantic mean to you.He won’t know if you don’t tell him–and YOU first have to figure out what him being romantic means to you. Remember he’s not a mind reader and you shouldn’t expect him to be because every woman has a different definition of what romance means to them.
2. Practice opening to more love and being an invitation to more love and connection.Make him not only think about you and your love more often but get him to show his love and devotion to you as much you want by your openness and being an invitation. What’s an invitation? Remember you love this man, pull your focus into your heart and then talk to him. You might say something like this to invite him to more romance…”I would love it if you’d _________.”
3. Don’t taser him and complain if he’s making positive steps.Also don’t constantly bring up all painful past infractions when he’s trying to change.  Many women complain instead of educate in a way he can hear it If you want more romance, don’t bring up every little thing he’s done wrong every time he doesn’t do something you don’t like.  The most important thing you should eliminate from your relationship today if you want more love, romance and spark between you and your man is blame.

There you have it–3 ways to practice allowing your man to let his inner romantic and show you how special you are to him! Try these suggestions today.

We are amazed at how easy it is to fall into the “I’m Right–You’re Wrong” trap–and how destructive it is to your relationship when you do!

Recently, one of our coaching clients had a huge awakening around this idea–and the changes he’s made because of this awakening  are saving his marriage.

Without going into details about his situation, let’s just say that the bottom line was that he became so tied up in proving he was “right” every time there was a difference between him and his wife, he kept pushing her further and further away from him.

And that wasn’t what he wanted!

In fact, every time they had a difference of opinion, he ended bringing up every “mistake” she’d made in the past and as he put it “hitting below the belt.”

They were arguing more often and the more he tried to make himself “right,” the more she withdrew and acted in ways he didn’t like.

They were definitely stuck in a damaging loop that they couldn’t seem to get out of.

How have they gotten out of this loop to create a much better, happier relationship?

If you can relate in any way to the “I’m Right–You’re Wrong” loop, here are some ideas that helped our coaching client make some big changes in his relationship…

1. Start to recognize when you’re falling into the loop and stop.

We know (from experience) that it’s not that easy to stop when you’re in the thick of it but here’s the thing…

If you become aware of the first signs that you’re falling into it, that’s the time to breathe, close your mouth and take a step back.

2. What picture are you painting of your partner?

When you’ve got the momentum going of “I’m Right–You’re Wrong”–especially over a long period of time–you’re probably painting a very negative picture of your partner.

When it dawned on our coaching client that he was constantly painting a very negative picture of his wife in his mind–he realized that the opposite could just as easily be true.

He realized that he had been “making stuff up” and weaving the story of who his wife was that simply wasn’t true.

There is of course a time to pay attention to what’s actually going on and not ignore red flags that are being shown to you.

The idea is to be honest with yourself about what you’re looking for (because we can generally prove most anything we look for) and question whether you’re painting a true picture of your partner or not.

3. Learn to listen and speak from your heart.

Our coaching client is learning how to dig below his initial triggering responses and to listen to his wife as well as speak from his heart in a way that his wife  can hear.

If you need some help learning how to not allow your emotions and old patterns to keep you from communicating with the one you love, check out Stop Talking on Eggshells  program.

There are some very simple things you can do to make communication much easier with those you love and we suggest that you start today to bring more happiness and ease into your relationship.

It comes down to this…

Which do you choose?

Do you choose “I’m Right–You’re Wrong” and stay in a never-ending, no-one-wins loop or…

Do you choose “I’m Right–You’re Right” where you open to each other but not give yourself away?

The choice is as always–yours.

But, it’s really not. 

Carol DOES care– a lot– about being in a relationship. When she’s honest with herself, she admits that she’s very lonely. She pretends to be okay with the lack of love in her life right now, but that’s a big lie.

Carol can’t remember when she first adopted her “I don’t care,” mantra about men. It probably goes back to Sam and the brutal way he broke off their engagement leaving her devastated and heartbroken. All of her dreams for a happy future were obliterated when he moved out.

He’s been out of her life for almost 8 years and Carol has become comfortable in her detached and aloof attitude…except that, deep down inside, she’s still in pain and wants more than anything else to be in love again.

It’s the rare person who does not carry around some sort of old emotional wound.

As we move through life, all of us have a variety of experiences. Some of those experiences are happy, some sad, some traumatic, some ecstatic and some average or possibly even boring and dull. While the situations in our lives are ever-changing, scars from the past can remain. The past can seem to hang around even after it actually ends.

The tricky thing about emotional wounds from the past is that the feelings are very real in the here and now.

When triggered, the heartache from a breakup you went through decades ago can be just as excruciating as it was then.

Intense jealousy can pop up today and lead you to say and do regrettable things when it’s your lying, cheating ex (who’s long gone) whom you are actually reacting to.

There’s no doubt that your emotions are very real and that they feel immediate and present, even if they’re not entirely appropriate or accurate for what’s going on now.

Living in the past in this way can be a major block to love. You may view what’s going on now, you might react to people and situations currently in your life and you might make choices from the perspective of past wounds.

This can dramatically stand in the way of you attracting your perfect partner.

After all, how can you possibly be open to meeting new people or to getting closer to those you already know if you’re coming from a past point of view? How can you listen to your valuable inner wisdom if all you can see or hear is your old emotional pain?

Getting past your past is essential to attracting love.

Recognize it when you’re coming from a past point of view. You might be accustomed to looking at people and situations through the lens of your old emotional wounds and past experiences so this might take practice.

When you have a strong emotion or reaction, pause and ask yourself if what you’re thinking and feeling truly fits what’s going on now. It could be that it does or it could be that it is does not.

Learn how to separate out what was true in the past and what is true now. It helps to ask yourself questions like, “Is this true now?” or “Is this a fit for the past or the present?”

If you discover that you are feeling or reacting more intensely than a situation warrants, trace back to the past experience you are accessing. Treat yourself with kindness and care because these feelings are real. They might not fit what’s going on in the present moment, but they are what you are feeling and need to be addressed.

Healing your past will free you up for the future you desire.

It comes down to this…

If a close, connected and passionate love relationship is what you want, you’re not going to be able to successfully attract (and keep) that when your old emotional wounds are leading you. Opportunities and possibilities are obscured or skewed when your viewpoint is the painful past.

Take the time to heal your past. Make completions with what happened before that you are still carrying around with you today. Remember, there is a big difference between re-hashing the past or becoming more stuck in it AND finding out what you need to do to make peace with your past so that you can let it go.

Continue the healing and know that you are freeing yourself from your old wounds and from the past so that you can fully enjoy the present moment and the fabulous– love-filled– future you are creating.

If you want to attract your perfect partner now, here’s a course that will easily guide you through the process…http://www.AutomaticAttractionSecrets.com/Program

Well join the club…

Talk about a barrier to intimacy–this is a really good one!

It also gets in the way of heart-felt and honest communication.

Susie saw this in action the other day on the way back from a trip to San Diego while standing in line at a Starbucks at the airport.

Here’s what happened in Susie’s words…

“The cashier took my order, I gave her my credit card, she gave me back the card and I moved to the side–out of line. Almost immediately, the cashier (in somewhat of a panic) told me that she didn’t charge my card for part of my order.

“I stepped back in front of the line (in front of the woman who was at the counter) and gave the cashier my card again. I smiled (a smile of apology) to the woman who I’d stepped in front of and she smiled back.”

Sounds good so far, right?

But here’s what this woman said…

“I’m smiling but I’m really mad inside.”

We can only imagine that she meant that she really didn’t appreciate Susie stepping in line in front of her–even if she had an excuse.

Susie was taken aback by her honesty as she explained the situation to her (which she had probably overheard anyway). Her honesty amazed us because this woman caught herself doing something that wasn’t congruent with what she was really feeling.

As we think about this incident, we are reminded about how many times we smile (or express some other emotion) when we really mean something completely different.

We show some emotion on the outside but on the inside we’ve got some different emotion going on that really wants to come out.

The trouble is that covering up the true emotion with a smile just pushes the true emotion down and it usually comes up later at inappropriate times and in inappropriate ways–(like mean, sarcastic remarks that have nothing to do with the real situation).

And that can kill any relationship if it happens over and over.

Why do we do it?

We do it out of habit to try to please, to be kind, not make waves, to keep everything on an even keel–and be loved.

But if you have ever done what I call the “automatic fake grin,” you know that it only leads to trouble later.

So what do you do when you’re with a loved one (or someone you work with) and find yourself grinning when you don’t feel that way at all?

Here are some ideas that we’ve worked with to get our faces to be congruent with what we’re really feeling and what we want…

1. Recognize that you have the “automatic fake grin” problem, feel the true emotion and stop yourself.

This takes some presence on your part to notice when you feel irritation (or whatever emotion) bubble up inside you and stop yourself from what you habitually do.

We find that taking a feel deep breaths and bringing the focus to the center inside us (below the belly button) helps us to feel what’s
really going on.

You can slow your automatic reaction down with practice and attention.

2. Get to the heart of what you want before you speak and respond in a way that opens the person rather than closes him or her.

Ask yourself a simple question like–”What do I want right now?” and then listen for the answer.

Sometimes we just need clarity about what someone said or did (instead of making up stories and assumptions).

If so, use these words from our “Magic Words” program…

“Help me to understand why you said or did __________.”

If you make a request for more information, then the other person will better be able to stay open to you instead of shutting down and getting angry with you.

You can find more magic words and phrases at http://www.MagicRelationshipWords.com

3. Keep track of when you are successful in changing your habit.

So often we’ll beat ourselves up for not “doing it right” but I’m urging you to start keeping track of when you are successful in making the change you want to make.

At first, you may only be able to stop the automatic fake smile once in awhile but not be able to get to the true emotion.

Just keep practicing and you’ll find that it does get easier to be who you truly are while keeping your connection with those you love.

My challenge to you is to be honest and do it in a way that keeps that heart-felt connection that we all want and need.

We are not suggesting that you cancel your time with friends and family or that you drop work and volunteer responsibilities and sit home alone waiting for some great man or woman of your dreams to just show up.

That’s not to your benefit either.

Instead, we recommend that you take a step back, look at how you’re living your life and ask yourself if there’s space right now for the right person for you.

Remember what you want.

As you consider our suggestion to assess how much (or how little) space there is in your life for love, we urge you to keep this question in mind: “What do I truly want?”

It’s a very simple question that is loaded with a lot of potential.

When you know clearly what you do want in a relationship, in a partner and for your overall life, making choices gets somewhat easier. Without labeling what you want as either “good” or “bad” and setting aside any “shoulds” and “have to’s,” give some thought to what you truly want in a love relationship.

— Do you want to be in a committed relationship that leads to marriage one day?
— Do you want to be in a committed relationship that does not include marriage?
— Do you want a passionate love relationship that is more casual with less of a commitment?

The level of commitment is just one issue to consider. Without boxing yourself in by being too specific, get a clear sense of what you’re looking for in a relationship.

Where is there a lack of space?

Next, observe your life as it is now. Be as objective as you can and notice where there isn’t much room.

This could be the size of your dinner table. Let’s say, for example, you would like to be in a committed relationship, maybe even marriage at some point. Yet, you live in a tiny apartment and you eat your meals at a small table that’s covered in books, mail, magazines and such.

Where will your perfect partner sit and share a meal with you?

It might sound silly, but look for those places where you aren’t allowing space for a relationship to exist. Look at the material conditions of your life and look at your schedule and how you spend your time.

This is NOT an invitation to get down on yourself for having a messy or small dinner table, by the way. This is all about you identifying those places in your life where there isn’t much room.

How can you create more room for your perfect partner?

Making more space is a next step you could take. After recognizing where there’s a lack of space, begin to create more room in an authentic way.

You don’t need to run out and purchase a king-sized bed, giant  dinner table or three bedroom home. That’s NOT what we mean.

Think about some simple and expansive things you can change about how you live your life. Start to create more room for love that fits with where you are now.

This might mean that you stack your mail somewhere other than your dinner table– or that you sort through it and recycle what you don’t absolutely need to keep. You could get a second chair and maybe even a second placemat and put them at the table too.

Use whatever space-creating action you choose as a way to get more excited (and stay excited) about the partner you are on your way to attracting. Know that you are literally moving yourself closer to love.

For more great information on how to attract the love of your life to you, go to http://www.AutomaticAttractionSecrets.com

“How do you find the time and energy to create and keep great relationships?”

This is such a great question, especially since we all seem to be continually busy and stressed much of the time.

Most of us seem to be on the go non-stop from morning until night–and if we don’t interrupt the pattern, it can take its toll on our bodies, our spirits, our emotions and our relationships.

So what’s the answer?

The answer comes from a surprising source.

Athletes.

Not just athletes– but world class athletes who seem to always win over and over.

They’ve discovered that “renewal” drives performance.

Whether they realize it or not, the best of the best athletes figure out ways to take mini-rest and renewal breaks–even during matches or games–that will help them to be at their best when it really counts.

Consider the tennis pro you may have seen switching his or her racket from hand to hand after a point in an important tennis match on TV.

Until it was pointed out to us that this switching allowed the arms of his or her dominant hand and arm to relax,  we didn’t realize what was going on.

We thought it was just “nervous tension” and we didn’t realize that this actually is a recovery and renewal break that would allow the pro to play at his/her optimum level throughout the match.

At this point, you’re probably wondering what this has to do with finding the time and energy for your relationship.

It’s simple.

If you don’t allow yourself to take renewal breaks throughout your day or week, no matter how busy you are, you cannot be who you truly are with those you love–let alone those you don’t.

That’s why the 3 R’s (rest, relaxation and renewal) are so important to you, especially as you try to build and maintain great relationships.

It’s true that we all need some amount of stress to expand and grow but continual stress with no rest, renewal and
relaxation time is harmful.

When we are under continual stress, we say and do things unconsciously from habit and past experiences and do not consciously choose how we are going to be in our relationships and lives.

When you consciously make choices about your words and actions and are not muddled by stress, you are able to speak and act from a place inside you that is true.

When you’ve been resting, relaxing and renewing your body, mind and spirit, it’s like you become a “different person” –a better one.

You’re more loving instead of fearful.

More open instead of judgmental.

You’re also kinder and less critical.

This creates intimacy, connection and love with the important people in your life.

Here are a few tips to encourage you to take rest, recovery and renewal time, no matter what’s going on in your life…

1. Breathe deeply

When we get stressed, we forget to breathe. A mini-renewal break can simply be taking a deep breath in and exhaling all of it, emptying your lungs.

Write a note to yourself and put it in your car to remind you to take a deep breath as you sit in traffic or deal with the kids who are arguing in the back seat.

2. Take a 15 minute walk outside or a stretching break

We walk around our neighborhood and we’ve found that even fifteen minutes can make a difference in how we feel.

If you can’t walk outside, take a few minutes to get out of your chair and stretch.

3. Let it go

When something happens that is upsetting to you, don’t hold onto it and mull it over. Reliving the painful memory will only keep you from living your life to its fullest and will separate you from the people around you.

Let it go as soon as you have said what you needed to say. If agreements need to be created around the issue, then suggest that the two of you talk about how to “do it differently” the next time.

“Worry” also falls in this category. Don’t waste your energy and time “worrying” about someone or something. It only creates more stress and agitation inside you.

That thing about worrying about someone else–it usually doesn’t help the other person and can really hurt you if you do it constantly.

Okay, so that’s easier said than done but here’s a tip…

If you want to stop worrying and causing yourself a lot of emotional and physical pain, ask yourself this question that one of our teachers, Byron Katie asks…

“Is this my business, your business or God’s business?”

We’ve found that when we ask ourselves this question when we begin to worry,  it puts “worry” behind us and we can focus on what we can do about the situation.

Spend your “thought” time on what makes you happy and your heart sing–and not on what you can’t do anything about.

If you focus on loving yourself and others, instead of worrying about them or holding onto grudges, we think you’ll see a big difference in your relationships.

Renewal, rest and recovery may seem to be the last thing that you think you have time for but we’d urge you to re-think  that belief.

These 3 r’s are not only absolutely necessary for the health and happiness of  your physical body and mental outlook but  are also essential to the health and continual growth of your relationships.

Would you want to know what was coming before it happened so you could avoid a potentially dangerous  wreck?

Of course you would.

But what about your relationship or marriage?

Have you ever said or done something and instantly you just knew that you had pushed someone away?

Have you ever been at a loss for why passion suddenly cooled between the two of you?

Then you may have been using a “passion eraser” without even knowing it..

Passion erasers cause relationship wrecks and if you’re not familiar with this term…

A passion eraser is anything that you think, say or do that reduces or eliminates passion and connection from your
relationships and your life.

One of the biggest things that people who get our Should You Stay or Should You Go?  book and audio program notice about their relationship toward the end is that something has happened to “erase” the passion from their relationship and life.

A passion eraser can certainly be many things and it can even be a belief that holds you back from giving or receiving love.

Most of us don’t take the time to find out what our particular passion erasers are.

But what we know is that we all have to stop using them if we want closer, more connected relationships and happier lives.

Here’s some of our best relationship advice and a few examples of “Passion Erasers”…

*A passion and connection eraser can be small, seemingly insignificant things like interrupting someone consistently while he or she is speaking.

*A passion eraser can be much bigger things like lying or infidelity.

*A passion eraser can be “gotcha,” sarcastic remarks that leave both or you feeling unappreciated and unloved.

*A passion eraser can even be staying in a job that you hate that robs you of your enthusiasm and zest for life.

*A passion eraser can simply be keeping yourself so busy that you don’t have time to connect with those you love.

*A passion eraser can be automatically pulling away when your loved one reaches out to hug you, pull you close, or touch you because you’re “too busy,” “too tired,” or “too” anything.

*A passion eraser can even be when your partner gives you a compliment and you deny that it’s true because you don’t feel good about yourself.

So here’s our question to you…

What’s your particular passion eraser?  We all have them.

Here are a few suggestions for identifying yours…

1. Pay attention to your feelings.

Look at them as indicators of what’s going on inside you that you may need to listen to. Do you get a sinking feeling or agitation when you talk about money with your partner or maybe when you come home from work and see a messy house?

Pay attention and then begin honestly addressing what is nagging at you that you may have been ignoring.

2. Pay attention to your physical symptoms.

One woman wrote to us that she consistently had heart palpitations and her eye twitched when she went to work.

If something like this is happening to you, get checked out by your physician and then take an honest look at how you are
dealing with a work or home situation.

What thoughts need to be shifted? What can you do to ease the stress of your situation? Do you have unhealthy
expectations of yourself or of others?

3. Begin looking at how you spend your time and if you are spending your time the way you want to–that’s healthy for you–according to your values and not someone else’s rules.

There’s no more powerful passion eraser than living your life according to someone else’s rules and harboring resentments.

An assessment of your time can help you make a conscious decision if you want to keep doing what you are doing.

4. Pay attention to your thoughts and self-talk.

Are you constantly telling yourself negative things about you or others in your life?

If you listen in and pay attention to your self-talk, it can certainly be eye-opening.

What we tell ourselves does tend to manifest in our lives.

Our advice today to you (and to ourselves) is to look at what robs you of passion of all types in your life. Start bringing in more of what brings you passion for living and see how your happiness grows.

We’ll tell you about these “old fashioned” ways and how they can harm your relationship but first here’s a question from a reader that leads right into this problem…

“I’ve been a long time subscriber of your newsletters and I think they’re great–I’ve learned a lot from you guys but my question is why can’t my hubby and I get along? We love each other but we can’t seem to communicate and there’s some trust issues there too because something that happened a couple of years ago.

“I was considering getting one of your communication books or programs but I didn’t know where to start. Any suggestions?”

AG– Illinois

Our Comments>>>>

We certainly appreciate AG’s question and here are some ideas that might be able to help both AG and you if communication is a problem for you in your relationship.

When it comes to relationships, where many couples fall short in creating a love and spark filled relationship that lasts is that they really do love and communicate the “old fashioned way” and THIS is not good.

It’s tragic but…what we’ve found is that most people wait until it’s almost time to call the divorce attorneys in before they start seriously trying to do things to improve their relationship. Unfortunately, in many cases, by that time it’s a little too late.

One of the quickest ways you can start to turn any relationship around, build more trust and create a closer bond and connection between the two of you is by solving a couple of really basic communication challenges.

What’s interesting about these communication challenges we’re talking about is that most people don’t even realize they have them until we point them out to them.

They have these communication problems because they are communicating the “old fashioned” way–the way they saw their parents or grandparents talk to one another. They communicate from habit and not from a place of consciously trying to create a heart connection with other people.

The “old fashioned” way of communicating might look slightly different for different people but generally looks something like this…

**Making a lot of assumptions and not getting clarity when you don’t understand.

**Holding yourself back and not speaking your truth for fear of rocking the boat or hurting the other person (The truth always comes out sooner or later and usually when it’s been withheld, the truth is more painful when it’s discovered.)

**Not listening or ignoring what the other person says and think that you know what’s best for him or her better than they do. (We constantly hear complaints that “he/she doesn’t listen to me.”)

**Withdrawing when things get tough (talk about causing a slow death to a relationship!)

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

You can start learning how to communicate with the truth that’s inside you without pushing your partner away.

One of the things our coaching clients and other people say to us goes something like this…

“You know, my relationship with (him / her) would be so much better  if I only know the right words to say to them.”

Another of our favorites is when someone does what we call “talk on eggshells” all the time.

It’s obvious that there’s love there at some level but there’s also some kind of fear that won’t allow them to say what’s on their mind, what they think or how they feel to their spouse or partner because of how they  believe their partner will react to them if they did this.

Another thing that happens very often that causes a lot of damage to relationships is when one or both people in the relationship have done something that destroys the trust in the relationship and this pain continues to drive a wedge between them.

In this case, you need to turn trust around and fast.

We have some specific solutions we want to offer you about these and other issues but we’ll just say that almost ANY relationship issue can be solved if you will only ask yourself on a continual basis “Is what  I’m about to say or do, going to take me further from the love, passion, spark and the relationship I want or closer to it?”

Said another way, everything you do will either help you get what you want or move you further from it.

The question is–Would you like better communication, more love and  more trust right now?

Then here’s what we recommend…

We invite you to begin learning how to communicate in a better way and drop your old fashioned way of talking to those you love.

If you do, we’re sure that you’ll feel and see more love in your life.

Which scenario is the framework from which you run your relationships and life?

Is it A, B, C or D?

Most importantly– are you choosing A, B, C or D by design or default?

Let us explain…

If you’ve been getting our emails for any length of time, you’ve probably heard us talking about how the “stories” we tell ourselves can play havoc with our relationships and our lives.

Recently, Otto brought in a fascinating book called The Power of Story by Jim Loehr which gave us more food for thought about how we sabotage ourselves in all areas of our lives.

Since we love sharing ideas about how to consciously create great relationships, we’ll give you some highlights of the book, as well as our thoughts.

Loehr says that when you’re talking about the stories people constantly tell themselves, there are four scenarios… a. A good past has led to a good present. b. A good past has led to a bad present. c. A bad past has led to a good present. d. A bad past has led to a bad present.

If you look at your own life, we’re guessing that you can identify with one of these and can see the impact this story has on your finances, your health, your relationships or any other area of your life.

Although this is certainly a simplistic explanation of your life, you can probably see evidence of it.

Let’s take someone who believes that all men cheat because she has been cheated on in the past and is living with a cheating partner.

Chances are that her next partner will cheat on her unless she changes her story and unless she sees the possibility that she can have a relationship that is loving, connected and faithful.

That’s certainly not to “blame” her.

We’re just calling attention to becoming conscious of what she might be thinking and saying to herself over and over that is keeping her from what she says she wants.

What’s amazing to us is that none of these stories that Loehr talks about is no more true or valid–right or wrong–than another.

They are each just stories that we’ve concocted around our experiences and beliefs to make sense of our world.

The good news is that if you don’t like the results of your story, you can change it.

Sound too difficult?

Start small.

Last night, Susie experimented with changing her story about her ability to get to sleep on nights when her body and mind are racing.

When this happens, she’s usually had a busy evening, filled with interactions with many people or it might be something simple like she’s eaten or drunk caffeine. It might even be an emotional upset.

We’re sure that you can probably relate to that feeling of lying in bed with eyes that don’t want to shut and a mind that won’t turn off.

Her old story was that since she felt that wide awake, racing feeling in her body, she wouldn’t be able to sleep for hours.

Since we had been talking about this idea of changing your story, she decided to open to the possibility that she could rest and sleep, even though she had that racing feeling.

Pretty soon, that’s just what happened.

So, if you don’t think this idea is completely crazy and want to try it, here are some ideas…

1. Start noticing the “stories” that you tell yourself and if these are supporting what you want in your life and relationships.

Notice what you say to yourself about your relationships. If you start your thought with “He or she never….” or “It’s always the same…” notice what the result is.

Notice something small like what you say when you’re looking for a parking place.

Do you say “I’ll never find a space…”?

2. Choose an “old story” you tell yourself that is limiting you in some way. Choose one that is important to you or one that isn’t. It doesn’t matter.

3. Open to the possibility that there can be another outcome and another way of looking at the situation–that one outcome is just as possible as another.

You might be able to find a parking space even though the lot is crowded.

Now of course if you’re with a cheating partner and you expect that person to magically change, he or she may not.

But what can change is how you look at yourself and what your life looks like with or without that person.

4. Write your “new story” and focus on it. Not only is Jim Loehr’s book a good one to help you with this but also The Trance of Scarcity by Victoria Castle.

A good example of writing a new relationship story might go something like this…

Instead of seeing that person as “wrong,” you can see that person as “different” from you which takes the judgment out of it.

Now of course, you still have the prerogative not to go along with this difference.

If you shift from “wrong” to “different,” you are more open to listening to the other person (and the other person is more open to you) to find out if there is any place where the two of you can meet on this topic.

If you are intrigued by this idea, we invite you to experiment this week with changing your stories.

If you do, we absolutely know that it will change your life. It’s changed ours!

Is it really possible to stay connected during the times when disagreements come up?

Some people say “yes” and others think differently.

We received a question from someone recently that may be an issue in your relationship from time to time…

Here’s what this woman asked us…

“We want to stay connected during our difficult times too. What is the one thing we can do every time my husband and I are angry with each other to stay connected as we work through the disagreement?”

This is such a great question because what we’ve found is that lots of other people like you have similar dynamics in their relationships or marriages as well.

In this situation, it’s certainly a big plus that this couple feels connected in the first place and wants to stay connected.

It also sounds like they both want to keep their connection–which is another huge plus.

So we’ll talk a little about anger and then tell you what we think the one thing is that this couple, and any couple, can do to either stay connected or to reconnect as quickly as possible (even when disagreements come up.) Our take on anger is this…

We ALL have a “story” about how we think everything in our lives should be.

When something happens to make us think our “story” isn’t going to be fulfilled, we have a problem.

In relationships, when there is a conflict between two people about how things should be– if both of those people are attached to being right– anger is a very common response and reaction.

In other words, one way that anger comes up is when your story about how you think things should be is not in alignment with someone else’s story or maybe even the reality of what is.

When two people are involved and one or both feel anger, there are two conflicting stories or ideas of how it should be. When this happens, very often there’s a feeling of powerlessness and most likely there’s something within you that needs to be heard, valued, honored or understood.

When something happens with someone in our lives that’s incongruent with what we want, some of us “get angry” and some of us do other things to cope with the situation.

Our anger closes us to the other person and if the other person is angry or closes as well, there’s a stalemate, disconnection and feeling of hopelessness. So what’s the ONE thing we recommend to stay connected even when anger comes up?

When we break it down, what we recommend you do is actually a two-step process…

1. Shift your attention and look at what’s underneath your anger. What want, need or desire are you not getting? What story about this want, need or desire are you telling yourself that may or may not be true?

2. Get curious about the other person’s story. Find out more so that you understand. You still may not agree but there will be a softening between the two of you when you both change your perspective toward each other from demanding to be right to being curious about the other’s motivations.

We’ll give you an example…

The biggest issue the two of us struggle with is over finances. We often say that we are each other’s best teachers, especially when it comes to dealing with money. Since we are not only married but business partners as well, we have that lesson in our faces quite a bit–and we have learned a lot in the years we’ve been together.

One typical scenario is when Otto sees a training program that he knows we need to have in order to grow our business. Since Susie is our business “accountant” and bottom line person, she usually has a different perspective or “story” about buying yet another program.

This scenario stills comes up but we are so much better than we used to be at staying connected when it does. Instead of an instant negative reaction, Susie now tells herself that Otto’s suggestion is just that–a suggestion and we don’t necessarily need to act on it–but we might.

The “story” underneath her anger was that she was powerless in these situations–which made her come out even stronger against his suggestions.

Now, she’s usually able to listen and find out more about the program when she changes her “story” to just being curious and relaxing into the knowing that she has choice. As for Otto–you can guess that he became angry and felt powerless too when he was hit by Susie’s initial reaction to his suggestion. What a circular pattern that was (and is, at times)!

Now, because Susie’s initial reaction isn’t negative and she’s more open, he doesn’t feel defensive. He’s also finding that he’s more judicious in choosing the programs that he brings up for discussion to buy. While we don’t do it this way every time the pattern comes up, we are keeping our connection stronger and stronger–even when we have “conflicting” stories. Like anything else, it just takes practice.

There is a simple, yet often overlooked idea that creates major problems and challenges in the relationships and lives of millions and millions of people and maybe even your life as well.

If you don’t solve this challenge, you can have all the hopes, dreams, and intentions that you want and take more action than a lumberjack in a log splitting contest and it still won’t matter.

Nothing will change.

Your relationships and everything else you want to improve in your life will continue to be basically more of what you’ve got now unless you do this one thing.

This one thing is to raise your “level of  deservingness.”

We have always known about this idea and have worked with it, both in our own lives and with our Breakthrough Coaching clients to raise their level of deservingness.

Recently, we’ve been going even deeper in our understanding of just how important it is to raise our level of deservingness as we’ve been listening to Joe Vitale’s new “Awakening Course” that is available at http://www.PassionateHeart.com/Awakening

And believe it or not…

Your level of deservingness has a lot to do with how much spark, passion, zest and vibrancy you have and allow in your relationships and life.

Now we know that when you think about the idea of how to have more spark in your life, it’s pretty easy to dismiss it or put the idea on the back burner.

You might be telling yourself something like this…

“That’s nice but I have more important problems to deal with right now.”

Maybe you lost your job, your finances are not what you want them to be or maybe your relationship is really rocky and re-igniting spark might be pretty far-fetched–or maybe you’re just too busy to even think about what it would take to do it.

Whatever your situation, we invite you to look at just one thing right now–your level of deservingness in whatever area of your life that seems to not be what you’d like it to be.

When we talk about deservingness, we’re talking about how much of the “good stuff” that you feel you deserve to have– and we’re not just talking about physical “stuff.”

Yes, your level of “deservingness” is a major factor in the level of financial abundance that you enjoy but there’s so much more to consider.

This “good stuff” can be love, relationships  self-esteem, meaningful work, education or  whatever else you desire.

We’ve found that you can be conscious and  self-confident about what you think you deserve in a certain area of your life but unconsciously not feel you deserve the good things life has offer in another part of your life.

This plays out differently with everyone but more than likely when you feel stuck, it’s an unconscious process that is at work here.

Why are we talking about level of deservingness and creating more passion and zest in your life?

In our own lives and in the lives of those we come in contact with, we’ve seen how passion and excitement–and the ability to create what’s desired–comes to a screeching halt when there’s a feeling of not really deserving to have it.

You might say that this isn’t your problem but if you are feeling stuck in any area of your life, we suggest that you look a little deeper than what seems to be on the surface.

Here’s Sam’s story to help us explain what we mean…

Sam couldn’t find a job, was living with friends and although he was interested in attending massage school, he had no money to pay for it.

Sam was stuck and couldn’t seem to take action except to investigate truck driving school–which he had no interest in attending.

Although his problems seemed pretty obvious, it wasn’t until he allowed himself to start believing that he deserved more in life and to have what he wanted–to go to massage school–that things began to change for him.

His unconscious beliefs about himself and what he deserved held him back until he could see something new.

We’re happy to say that Sam got a scholarship to a massage school and left last weekend to start his education.

Can it happen that way to you?

Sure it can.

Here are some ways to look at your situation that might help if you have a “log jam” in your life…

1. Examine where you are and what you are telling yourself about this situation.

Look at your unconscious and conscious beliefs.

Sam realized that he was in the shape he was  in partly because of past programming that said he was a failure at everything he tried. And he kept reinforcing this belief by telling himself over and over that it was not possible to have what he wanted.

2. Question your negative thoughts and beliefs.

When you find yourself thinking thoughts like these…

“It will never happen.” “Others can have this but not me.” “What if I went for it and it didn’t happen?”

…take a moment and ask yourself if you want to continue to believe this thought or belief–or not.

At that moment of decision, when you decide to make another choice, you open the door to possibility just a crack so that you can begin to look inside at another future for yourself.

3. Take action from possibility.

Nothing would have changed for Sam if he hadn’t acted by calling the massage school and asking about financing and scholarships.

He took action.

You can take action too from a place of deserving what you want and gratitude for yourself and your life.

You can ignite the spark in your life and in your relationship by beginning to see the possibility of it and that you deserve this or something greater.

When it comes to relationships, communication is key.  (You probably already know this!)

We’ve found the book The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz, powerful and informative on an individual and relationship level.  The agreements that Ruiz lays out in his book can help people live life more fully, successfully and joyfully.

The first agreement, according to Ruiz,  is “be impeccable with your word.” In other words, speak with integrity–saying only what you mean. We think this is really important in relationships of all kinds and especially in intimate ones.

If you aren’t impeccable with your word, trust begins to erode within the relationship–and we’re not just talking about the big stuff. Our belief is that there is no small stuff in relationships.

When Susie bought her new used Buick, the dealership couldn’t find the remote control and an extra key. In fact they said that this model didn’t come with one. A mechanic even looked at it and said that it wasn’t wired for a remote. To Susie, a remote is a nice amenity but not a necessity. |

But–she’d had one with her previous car and this new car just didn’t feel as nice because there was something missing. Trying to get to the bottom of the problem, Otto sat in the dealership and made the dealers look in the specs to see if a remote was standard equipment for this model or not. To make a long story short, Otto managed to get a remote for the car.

Because we were told that the car didn’t have a remote and it through persistence found out it did, we have an issue with trust with that dealership. We’ll put a question mark in front of anything they say from now on.

Isn’t this the way it is in relationships? It’s like Steven Covey’s concept of the emotional bank account in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.  Good deeds, kind words and following through on your agreements build deposits in your emotional bank account with another person.

False statements, not following through on agreements create withdrawals in an emotional bank account in a relationship. The idea is that you must make many more deposits than withdrawals to keep the trust level high between
the two of you.

Being impeccable with your word means following through on what you say you’re going to do. Susie asked Otto to use the weed eater the clear the weeds along the driveway this weekend and Otto said he would. Although this is a small matter, if he hadn’t followed through and whacked the weeds when he said he would, some of the trust between them would be eroded.

When we don’t follow through on what we say we’re going to do on the small stuff, doubt creeps in about follow through on the “big stuff” too.

Being impeccable also means being conscious of what you say and the intention behind it. Have you ever said something that you really didn’t mean? As soon as it left your mouth, you wished you could capture it and destroy it before anyone could hear it?

The challenge of being impeccable is to be aware of how you are feeling, watch what triggers you, and stay in the present moment without reacting from past unhealthy patterns and old family tapes.

This week as you go through your day, be very aware of what comes out of your mouth. Be very conscious of what promises you make and what you say to someone when your are emotionally triggered. Make a new agreement, as Don Miguel Ruiz says, to be impeccable with your word.

 Have you ever been talking to someone you love and your mind wanders and you’re not really present?

Have you ever mumbled “uh um” while a love one was talking to you but you weren’t paying attention because you were on the computer, watching television or doing something else?

Or has a loved one mumbled a reply to you and you just knew that he or she wasn’t listening?

Whether it’s your partner, your children, a co-worker, or a friend—from time to time many of us allow our attention to wander onto other things and we don’t really listen to them. It’s also something that we can experience from other people.

Whether it’s you or someone else, this lack of attention can translate to “you don’t really care” and “I’m not important to you” regardless of whether this is the message we intend or want to give.

Our lack of presence can inadvertently create distance, separation and misunderstanding and we don’t even realize that it’s happening.

The Relationship Reverse

Sometimes, we have to reverse direction and make some shifts in what we’re thinking and doing in order to create the love and relationships that we want.
When you make a relationship reverse, you first have to reverse your thinking and then reverse, shift or change your actions that are taking you away from what you really want.

When you make these shifts, suddenly your relationship starts working better, your communication is better and you’re feeling closer and more connected to your partner. You might even wonder “why didn’t we do this before?”

How do you reverse not being present?

Staying in the present moment is possibly one of the hardest skills to learn but it’s also one of the most important.

What’s been helpful for us has been to remind ourselves that the other person is important and what he or she is sharing is important—and to be honest if we don’t have the time to talk at that moment.

Stop multi-tasking, whether it’s in your mind or actually doing something else, and simply “be” with the other person. If you do, you’ll feel calmer, more centered and more open to what the other person is saying.

If someone is not being present when you are talking, don’t be afraid to ask for his or her attention in a loving way.

No matter how close and connected you are with your partner, we’re willing to bet there are some things you can reverse quickly and easily to make your life much better, starting today.

For more information and a Free Report about relationship reverses and how they can help you create the relationships that you want, visit http://www.RelationshipReverse.com