Perhaps it was a huge surprise to you. You truly had no idea that your partner was going to end your marriage. Even if you could see the breakup coming and it wasn’t a surprise, it’s likely that you still feel broken-hearted.

As much as you might like to turn back time and prevent the end of your relationship, you simply can’t do that. What you can do, is be gentle with yourself and allow the healing to begin.

In the midst of your strong– and possibly mixed- emotions about you marriage that just ended, the whole notion of healing and feeling good again might seem unlikely, even impossible. You might be replaying in your mind  the events that led up to your breakup. Some people get caught up in playing the “What if”game. “What if I’d said or done ________ differently?” Or “What if only ______ hadn’t happened.”

Re-playing the past or even playing it out differently in your mind simply won’t help you feel better right now– or even in the near future. Instead, you will probably only mire yourself in the anger, grief and sadness deeper and longer.

On the other hand, you might be thinking about the future in the aftermath of your divorce. You might worry that you’ll never feel love again. Perhaps you saw your ex as the “best” you could ever attract. Now that he or she is gone, you fear that you’ll never find another person to love you. Because of your age, socio-economic status or perceived appearance, you might believe that this was your only chance at love and there won’t be another.

Do your best to release any thoughts like these. You absolutely don’t know any of that to be true. While you may not be ready to think about getting into a new love relationship right now, don’t make yourself feel worse by thinking that the relationship that just ended was your only or best chance at love. It isn’t necessarily so.

So what can you do to start the healing when you feel “torn up”inside?

Tip #1: Allow your feelings but don’t be overwhelmed by them.

Some advise those with a broken heart to get out and have some fun. Create diversions for yourself, those sources might say. We disagree to some extent with such advice. It is beneficial to let yourself feel what you are feeling. We’ve all probably tried to stuff down our emotions at one time or another. And this almost always results in an intensified and concentrated “meltdown.”

If you find writing useful, start journaling. If you like to sing or dance, do that. You don’t even have to be creative. You might sit on your couch and just let yourself have a good cry. Allow yourself to grieve or vent your anger or whatever needs to come out. Just let it flow and don’t judge yourself for what’s coming out.

As overwhelming as your feelings might seem, don’t allow them to take over you. Yes, you are going through a difficult time right now. But these feelings are not the sum total of who you are. It is important to find that balance of feeling what you are feeling and also coming back to the capable, confident and lovable you who is also present– but perhaps seems hidden right now.

Tip #2: Find ease and comfort in the “little things.”

Be on the lookout for those seemingly insignificant things that help you feel comfort. We’re not talking about that carton of ice cream in your freezer here! Maybe you could cultivate some self-appreciation for the way you completed a task at your work or around your home. It could be something as simple as re-arranging some furniture in your house. Whatever brings you some morsel of ease and perhaps even pleasure, notice that and build on those feelings.

You can also derive ease and comfort from friends and family. Try to surround yourself with people who are positive and seem uplifting to you at this time. This is the energy that will help you turn toward healing. There might be times when you feel the need to share difficult emotions with those close to you. Be clear with these people what you want from the sharing. If you merely want them to listen and offer a loving hug, then communicate that. If you’re open to suggestions, let that be known too.

When your heart feels broken and you are “torn up” about the end of your marriage, you are being called upon to take extra loving care of your self. As alone as you might feel right now, know that you can turn to the sources of comfort that may already be in your life. You just have to look for those sources of ease and uplift and allow yourself to receive.

Some days, she is disappointed when 5 pm rolls around. That’s when the guilt pours in.

While Jennifer adores her work, she also adores her family. Her children are teenagers and pretty much take care of themselves, but she feels a distance growing between herself and them. It’s getting more and more difficult to keep up with what’s new in their lives and that didn’t used to happen.

What’s even more troubling is the distance she feels growing in her marriage. She worries that the time, energy and attention she devotes to her work is having a detrimental effect on her relationship with her husband. Sometimes, as she excitedly shares with him about one of her work projects, he seems to be bored and not really listening. He rarely talks about his job except to complain about his boss. Other times, when Jennifer calls home to say she’s staying late at the office, she can hear the irritation in his voice.

She doesn’t want to lose either her fabulous job or her loving relationship with her husband and children. Most of the time, Jennifer feels like she has to short-change one or the other and that is stressful and upsetting.

The inner conflict can be huge!

When you work at a job you love and you also want to keep your relationship healthy and connected, you might feel just as torn as Jennifer does. Finding balance is the goal and it may not seem easy to come by.

The demands of life can be stressful and you might even believe that, in order to have success in one area of your life, you’ve got to neglect the other areas.

Please note: There is a difference between being passionate about your job and being a workaholic. When work is an excuse to avoid your partner or a tense situation at home, pay attention. Acknowledge it if you feel compelled to work long hours or spend little time with your partner. Get curious about why this is and decide what you will do about it.

Re-frame

We don’t believe that you have to neglect any aspect of your life and certainly not your own well-being either!

If you are seeking balance between your relationship and career, we first recommend that you try a re-frame. This intentionally looking at the same situation you find yourself in a slightly different way.

For example, if you tend to tell yourself that, “There’s no time for it all” or “There’s not enough me to go around” or “I can only focus on either my work or my family,” stop yourself and remember to breathe.

While it’s probably true that you can’t be and do everything all at once, you CAN nurture both a thriving career and a healthy and close relationship.

Balance, success and satisfaction become available when you open up to, “I don’t have to choose.”

You might not know how this kind of balance will happen. In fact, if you try to plan it all out in advance, you’ll mostly make yourself stressed out and exhausted. What you can do is to affirm the possibility of balance to yourself and then make decisions that are in alignment with balance as they come up.

Communicate

Keep the communication between you and your partner open and honest. Let him or her know that you see your work AND your relationship and family as equally important.

Don’t stop sharing about what you love about your job. If your partner seems to you to be bored or uninterested, ask if he or she wants to hear more. Don’t take it personally if the answer is “No.”

Make sure to ask about your partner’s day and to value whatever he or she does, regardless of whether or not there’s a paycheck involved. The point here is to use what you each found enjoyable, difficult or thought-provoking about your everyday experiences as a way to stay in touch with one another.

This can be fuel for connection regardless of how different each of your experiences are.

Connect

Never stop creating chances to connect with your partner and with your own self. Remember, nobody wins if you sacrifice yourself or what you are passionate about. You may have to do some creative scheduling, but it IS possible to keep the connection with your partner strong and healthy.

Think of it as an adventure!

How can you and your partner take the 15 minute chunk of time you have alone in the evening and make it a moment for touching in with each another? Could you sit together on the couch holding hands and listening to the relaxing music or just the sounds of your home and one another’s breathing?

This might sound boring, but if you really tune into the moment, you might really enjoy it and it could build up for later passion in the bedroom.

It seems that no matter how “innocent” this person’s partner is, betrayal or threat is perceived by the jealous person at every turn.

Both the person who is jealous and his or her “wrongly accused” partner are probably feeling pain and confusion.

Disconnection is almost always going on in relationships like these.

But what about those other relationships where one person is behaving in a way that makes it seem like the jealousy his or her partner is feeling is justified?

It might be that the jealous person’s partner has had affairs in the past, is an obvious flirt or simply won’t commit to this relationship and refuses to make any changes to improve connection.

In some ways, it might seem more understandable for the cheater or flirt’s partner to be jealous. After all, many of us might react with jealousy in these conditions.

If you are the person who is jealous in your relationship, you might feel justified in your jealous habit because it seems that your mate “caused” you to be so.

We want to make it clear that we don’t judge anyone for how he or she feels!

Some people are jealous because past relationship pains have not been addressed and healed. This is also understandable. And we certainly feel compassion for those who are jealous in the face of betrayals such as flirting or infidelity

What we do want to do is to address jealousy in all of its forms and whether it appears to be justified or not.

When it comes down to it, whether jealousy is justified or not, it wreaks havoc. Jealousy wreaks havoc on your ability to be close to your partner. And jealousy wreaks havoc internally by feeding low self esteem and eroding trust in yourself.

Karen knows how damaging jealousy is. She feels like it’s eating a hole in her gut every time she feels it– which is more and more frequently. At the same time, Karen feels absolutely justified in being jealous.

Her boyfriend Tom simply cannot be trusted. Karen knows for sure that he’s kissed other women before and she wonders how far these “harmless encounters” (in Tom’s words) have gone. Even when they are out together, Tom continues to flirt and touch other women suggestively right in front of Karen’s eyes.

Set boundaries AND own your jealous habit.

If there are violations of agreements happening in your relationship, by all means, we recommend you take steps to address them. Feel into yourself and get clear about what you want.

Consider the ultimate question of whether you want to continue in this relationship or not. If you are unsure, decide what your bottom line is.

If your partner has had an affair in the past, what do you need to have happen so that trust can begin to rebuild? This might mean you and your mate make an agreement to be transparent with one another, for example.

As justified as you might feel about your jealousy, however, it is important that you acknowledge that this is your habit. Take ownership of how you have learned to react to particular situations or to your partner in general.

This does not mean that you are “to blame” for the distance that’s formed between the two of you.

What it does mean is that your jealousy has most likely played a role in the disconnection. If you want to begin to move closer to your partner, it is vital that you take responsibility for your share of the dynamic.

And even if you decide to leave this relationship, for the sake of your future interactions with others, it is beneficial to own up to the part you played.

Karen really doesn’t like to admit that her jealous habit has played any part in the mess of a relationship she has right now with Tom. It seems clear to her that it’s all his doing with his flirting, kissing and touching other women.

Karen is angry and fed up and she is beginning to wonder why she continues to date Tom at all.

After a deep and calming breath, Karen realizes that she can choose to end her relationship with Tom today. She also feels sad and resistant to this idea.

For right now, she decides to talk with him and to set some boundaries. Karen tells Tom that she would like to know the level of commitment he is willing to make to her and their relationship.

She asks him if he will agree to “no kissing or touching other women in a sexual manner” as part of a monogamy commitment.

Karen also shares with Tom that she is aware of her contribution to the difficulties between them. She acknowledges that she is often jealous. Ultimately, Karen tells Tom she’d like to see if they can each make changes and move closer to one another while building up trust.

Tom asks Karen for some time to think about all that she’s said. He tells her that he appreciates her honesty and her courage to talk about all of this– especially the fact that she didn’t merely blame him for all of their problems.

Tom and Karen agree to talk again the next day.

What’s most important to you?

When you are jealous, you can shift the situation around by asking yourself, “What’s most important right now?”

No matter how justified you feel in your jealousy, a question like this can help you get clear about your next step.

It could be that it is most important to you to be in a relationship where you trust your mate to keep the agreements you’ve made. It could also be most important to you to come together and try to connect and understand your partner.

You get to decide what your priority is.

We suggest that you focus less on how justified you may be in feeling jealous and, instead, focus more on visioning and moving toward the relationship you want.

It hurts to feel betrayed and it damages relationship trust and connection. When your partner has an affair, it can leave you questioning everything you thought you knew about your partner, yourself and your relationship.

When a child is involved, cheating becomes that much more difficult and destructive.

Jason genuinely regrets that he cheated. He and his wife, Sharon, have worked hard to create a loving, caring home for their daughter. Jason didn’t mean to have an affair with a woman he met while on a business trip– it just happened.

A year ago, Jason was repeatedly sent to a town that’s in a neighboring state to help set up a branch office for his company. He felt lonely, especially because Sharon was very focused on their daughter who was having a tough time transitioning to adolescence. To Jason, it seemed like Sharon didn’t really care that he was away so much.

He felt non-essential and unimportant to her. Rachel works at the coffee shop in the town Jason was working in. Her friendly smile and interest in him were welcome and appealing. He didn’t mean to lie to Rachel about having a wife and daughter back home. He didn’t mean to have dinner with her and then, eventually, to spend nights at her house whenever he was in town.

When Rachel became pregnant, this woke Jason up and caused him to seriously re-evaluate his choices. He finally told Rachel the truth and she immediately broke up with him. Jason also admitted his affair to Sharon. She has agreed to give him another chance, for which he is grateful.

The challenge is, everything is so much more complicated and messy now. Jason really wants to rebuild trust  and  his marriage with Sharon. He wants to be a more engaged father to their daughter too. But, he is unwilling to abandon his child with Rachel.

Infidelity does become that much more difficult to deal with when there is a child involved. This can take different forms…

As with Jason, you and your partner might already have a child and a pregnancy could have resulted from the affair. Now, your partner has financial obligations and potentially a desire to be some form of parent to the other child once he or she is born.

Even if the affair did not bring about a pregnancy, you might be worried about the negative effects on your child. Unless you have a baby or young child, it’s nearly impossible to keep your partner’s infidelity a secret. Even if your child doesn’t specifically know what happened, he or she will undoubtedly sense that something is “off” or “wrong” with you and your partner.

Be selfish.

Even though there is a child or children involved, we urge you to be selfish. It’s understandable that your first impulse might be to direct your energy to your child, making sure that he or she is okay in the midst of the tension and conflict going on in your home. If your partner now has a child with another woman (or man), you may believe that it is only “right” for that child to be the priority.

We’re not suggesting that you neglect, ignore or make any child less important. But, we do recommend that you make yourself just as important.

You’ve got needs and it is essential that you get those needs met. You might be feeling vulnerable, hurt or emotionally destroyed by all of this. We’re here to remind you that you can’t possibly “be there” for your child if you aren’t taking the time to heal and make yourself a priority too.

Turn to family, friends and maybe even a professional counselor or coach for support. Identify and ask for the kind of support you most need right now. It might be someone to take your child to the park so that you can have time to write in your journal, get a massage or just to sit and cry. This may be someone to listen and help you sort through your options so that you can make the best decision for you.

Pay attention to the child’s needs.

Yes, by all means, we also encourage you to make sure the child or children involved are being well cared for. It’s probably best to talk with your partner about what and how you will share about the affair. Remember, you can be honest without telling details that would be inappropriate or distressing for the child to hear.

Here are some examples of what you might say…

“Daddy made a mistake and mommy feels very sad about it. Both mommy and daddy love you very much and are here for you.”

“I was feeling lonely and I made a decision that I really regret. I had an affair, but it’s over now. I am working with your father to make things right in our marriage again. We both love you and are available to answer your questions.”

It is sometimes helpful for the one who cheated to tell the child– either alone or with the other parent present. It all depends on what you and your partner decide is best for the situation and for your child.

If a pregnancy is the result of the affair, this can be tricky to communicate to a child. Seek advice from a professional therapist for children and really tune in to your child to know what he or she is ready to hear and when.

Remember, you ALWAYS have choice.

If you feel as if you have “no choice” but to stay in your relationship or to end it because there is a child involved, back up and think again. Children can be resilient regardless of what the adults in their lives choose to do.

If you sacrifice your needs for what you think are the needs of a child, this isn’t going to benefit anyone!

There are all kinds of different family arrangements, so try to keep your mind open and keep asking yourself what is the wisest and best situation for your child, your relationship and for you.

In the past, it may have seemed like there were “landmines”– surprising explosions of emotion– that were set off when this difficult topic was brought up.  The last thing you probably want to do is to invite in that kind of tension, conflict and distance into your relationship.

But….

You want something to change!  You don’t want to just pretend that you don’t feel bothered by this issue.

Maybe your spouse has a tendency to flirt with others and you’d really like this behavior to stop. It feels embarrassing to you and even as if your partner is rejecting you when he or she flirts. It could seem threatening to your relationship.

You don’t want to seem jealous, even though that’s the way you feel. And you don’t want to nag or be controlling.

You also want to trust and feel confident about the commitment your partner has to your relationship. You probably also would like to feel valued and desirable to your mate– even when there are others around who are potentially more attractive or interesting than you are.

It doesn’t matter whether your partner is a flirt or if there are other issues going on in your relationship. If something is upsetting to you, it’s highly likely you’d like to communicate about it with your mate and see the whole thing resolved in a way you prefer.

The challenge usually lies in finding the “right” words to say in such a situation.

You want to see changes happen and improvements occur and you also want to stay close to your partner. Communicating to connect will help you remove “landmines” from even the most tense topics and to effectively talk with your partner about what you want.

Set a communication intention.

Before you open your mouth to speak about the issue with your partner, take some time to get clear within yourself and make an intention.

This can be akin to the strategizing a football coach does before the big game. The ultimate goal is to score as many points as possible and to win.

You need to determine what “winning” means to you in terms of your relationship.

If you and your partner disagree about something and you push what you want while ignoring or discounting your spouse’s preference, you might “win” the disagreement but ultimately lose in terms of relationship intimacy and trust.

Speaking in terms of ultimatums or putting down your partner because you don’t see the situation in the same way will undoubtedly drive a wedge between the two of you.

Your partner might stop flirting– or hide his or her flirting behavior from you– but if you communicate in a way that is disconnecting, he or she could also move further away from you.

Make it your intention to connect every time your communicate.

We’ll say this loud and clear: When you connect, you aren’t always going to agree. When you connect, you aren’t rolling over and stuffing down what you want in order to keep the peace.

Remember that setting aside your need to be “right” allows space for you two to come together and reach a resolution that both of you can feel at peace with– even happy about.

Be responsible for your own feelings AND make requests.

Try a phrase like this to encourage connecting communication:

“I take full responsibility for feeling ______ AND I would like us to make an agreement about _____.”

The magic of a phrase like this is in its clarity and openness. Rather than shutting your partner down for “causing” you to feel a particular way, you can enter the conversation differently.

You affirm to your mate that you take responsibility for how you feel which can help him or her to not get defensive and it also reminds you of your own power.

Right away, you communicate how you are feeling so that your partner knows. You also link how you are feeling to the words or behavior that your partner plays a role in perpetuating. Additionally, you make a request to address the situation.

For example, if your partner tends to flirt and you are unhappy about this, you might say to him or her:

“I take full responsibility for feeling afraid of losing you when I see you flirt with others. And I would like us to make an agreement about what type of interaction is acceptable and in alignment with the commitments we’ve made in our relationship.”

You open the door to discussing possible solutions that will allow both of you to have your needs met with a phrase like this.

The agreement you two come up with might include the types of physical touches with others that are comfortable to both you and your partner. It might also involve an agreed upon signal or phrase that you could use when you would like your partner’s attention while in a social setting.

The point here is to keep your communicating open, honest and driven by love and a desire to move closer together.

Think about what you want in a situation that is triggering for you and then think about how you could say it. Now you are ready to talk with your mate about even the most difficult of topics and continue to stay connected.

But, then that good-looking man or woman walks by and you’re sure that your date noticed. You feel sick to your stomach or your fists clench and you are almost instantly back in the grips of jealousy. It can take over that fast.

The next thing you know, you make some comment or change your mood in a way that betrays how jealous you actually feel. Another date ends with distance and cold and you feeling embarrassed and miserable.

If you’ve ever felt jealous on a first date or with someone you’ve dated for awhile, you are definitely not alone. Scores of everyday people– just like you– experience jealousy in varying degrees.

Unfortunately, sometimes people are ashamed of feeling this way. It can seem like a silly, weak, or childish way to feel and so there may be an impulse to ignore jealousy when it arises… or at least try to. Not only does jealousy itself cause pain, mistrust and disconnection, when you try to ignore it, the damaging effects can be even worse!

The problem with ignoring any emotion is that it tends to come out anyway. And, it often comes out much bigger and more intense than before.

It’s the proverbial teapot in which the boiling water finally causes the pot to whistle shrilly and even spout out. You can pretend that you don’t “hear” the thoughts rumbling through your mind. You can push down the rising worry, fear or irritation. But, this will more than likely lead to a meltdown that everyone will see…especially your date.

Allow yourself to feel what you feel.

Everybody’s jealousy triggers are different. It could be something that your date (or partner if you’re already in a relationship) says that reminds you of a past painful experience. It might be the way that he or she looks at others or at you. It could be your own insecurity that gets bigger when you look in a mirror or believe that you said something “stupid.”

Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling without judging it right or wrong.

Take a moment to soothe yourself and give yourself permission to tap into the emotions that are coming up in the moment. You can just notice them as they arise. Take a few minutes to do this in the bathroom if necessary.

Ask yourself what you need– right now and also in a more long-term sense. Follow through on meeting the short-term needs you recognize.

After the date, when you can be alone, write down on a sheet of paper what you want for your life and in a relationship. Don’t limit yourself– write down whatever comes to your mind. Now, ask yourself which of these needs and desires are not being fulfilled. It is possible that you will find links between your unmet needs and your jealousy.

Choose one desire or need on your list and write down 2 or 3 actions that could help meet that need. If you have just begun to date this person, it might not be the right time for you to ask for the kind of commitment that you’d like in a relationship. You might not even know this person well enough to decide whether or not this is a match for you.

It can still be helpful to know what you want and what your needs are– long- and short-term.

Pay particular attention to your short-term needs. If you struggle with insecurity, change the way you criticize yourself, how you dress, act and speak and remind yourself to be more kind and loving with yourself.

If it’s clear that your date IS actually checking out other women (or men) while you two are out together, this is something to communicate about. Don’t accuse, but do let your date know how you feel when he or she says or does specific things. When you’re specific and you come from the place of how “I feel…” the conversation can remain open.

Jealousy isn’t an experience anyone has to feel embarrassed or ashamed of.

It is just a combination of feelings that you can choose to acknowledge, uncover its roots and then take steps to meet your needs. In the process of doing this, it’s easier to let jealousy go. Stay focused on uncovering and meeting your needs and watch as you move closer to the relationship you want and the life you’ve dreamed of.

Now that she has confronted Bryan about his cheating and he has broken off the affair and renewed his promises to her and their marriage, Yvette still feels broken-hearted. Deep down inside, she knows that she needs to forgive him for cheating so that the two of them can try to rebuild trust.

It’s just not easy for her to do.

Whether you are a man or a woman, if your partner cheated, you may feel broken hearted, just as Yvette feels. Your partner might have already apologized hundreds of times for his or her actions and the two of you may have agreed to try to put your relationship back together again.

Your mate may even be working very hard to prove to you that he or she is trustable again.

Until you can forgive and release the past, however, you probably aren’t able to fully acknowledge and appreciate any of this.

We understand if you are hesitant to forgive and if you possibly feel stuck in the pain of the infidelity. Such a betrayal of your trust probably seemed to strike at your core. There is no doubt that an affair reaps significant damage in a relationship.

You might even be wondering if your partner is worthy of forgiveness.

You get to decide.

The choice is yours. Nobody can tell you when, how and whether to forgive anybody else.

There have been couples who have carried around resentment, blame and hurt about one another for years and years. And, as you might guess, they are almost always miserable.

For particular reasons– that perhaps seem to make a lot of sense to the people involved– holding on to the upset and pain and staying together is chosen over taking steps toward releasing it.

We’re going to cut to the bottom line here: When you hold on to blame and resentment toward your partner, the person that keeps getting hurt the most is you.

When Yvette takes a step back and really looks at her marriage right now, she can see that she is the one who continues to be in agony. Yes, Bryan is sorry and is his trying to make amends. But he also somehow seems freer than he used to be.

He is reading books about relationships. He is suggesting communication techniques that he’s learned about. And he is more open and available to Yvette than he has been in a long time.

It is Yvette who can’t seem to see beyond the past and the affair. It is clear to her that by holding on to her anger and sadness and by continuing to focus on the infidelity, she is becoming more closed down and withdrawn.

Re-think Forgiveness

We aren’t suggesting that you force yourself to forgive your partner. This is simply impossible to truly do.

Instead, if you have decided to stay in this relationship and try to rebuild trust after an affair, we encourage you to do whatever you can to heal your broken heart and to get unstuck from the pain of the past.

Be gentle with yourself. This, of course, is a process and might take some time.

You may jump start the healing process by re-thinking forgiveness, however.

Many people consider forgiveness an act that you do for the benefit of another person– the person who “did wrong.” As we mentioned above, forgiveness is as much, if not more, for your benefit and healing.

As you take steps toward forgiveness, you affirm to yourself that you want to feel more ease and even happiness in your life. You are moving away from the pain of the betrayal and toward the kind of future and relationship that you’d like to build (or rebuild).

Does forgiveness mean that you will pretend that the affair never even happened?

No. You can acknowledge the infidelity– as well as other dynamics in your relationship that contributed to disconnection and mistrust– and, at the same time, you can shift your attention back to this present moment.

Hopefully, this is a present moment where you and your partner are recognizing the habits that you both have that move you further apart. It is in this moment that the two of you can learn to tune in to what each of your needs are and then to communicate with one another about them in connecting ways.

Even if you have decided to leave this relationship, forgiveness can still help you to heal.

Again, when you forgive, you aren’t indicating that the cheating was an acceptable thing for your partner to do. Instead, you are making a choice to release the build-up of pain around the infidelity and to move on with your healing and your life.

Forgiveness is a key to being able to live more fully– with or without your partner– in the present moment. The present, not the past, is the place for creating the future you want.

You need to be patient and do whatever it takes to rebuild trust if you want to stay in this relationship. Many times the road to re-connection can start with an apology. How you choose to say “I’m sorry” can make the difference between trust beginning to turn around and you two continuing to move further apart.

Do you remember when you were a child and you broke a family rule? Perhaps you lied about a low grade at school or maybe you ate cookies before dinner after being told not to. When your parents found out about what happened and called you out for your actions, you probably apologized. What were you feeling when you said “I’m sorry?”

Was it your primary intention to do whatever it takes to get out of trouble, or were you truly, deeply remorseful about what happened?

Those same dynamics can occur when a person apologizes to his or her partner after infidelity. While having an affair is certainly a larger trust violation than eating cookies before dinner, the intentions behind “I’m sorry” can be similar. The one who had the affair might feel regret about his or her actions, but if the primary intention is to just “get out of trouble,” the apology is probably not going to help turn trust around.

If, on the other hand, “I’m sorry” carries with it a sense of understanding the damage and hurt that was caused by the affair and includes a willingness to make amends, then the door to healing and rebuilding can open.

Acknowledge the betrayal and take responsibility.

If you were the one to have the affair, be sure you are coming to your partner with an apology that truly comes from the heart. Acknowledge the hurt and upset your mate may be feeling because of your actions. It might be helpful to you and your partner for him or her to share the emotions going on. Don’t assume to know in advance what he or she might be feeling. You can share your feelings as well, but be sure to listen and really hear what the other person has to say.

You don’t have to rehash everything that happened around the affair, but do recognize that you made a mistake and that you are now wanting to make amends– if that is how you really feel. Above all, take responsibility for your actions. Yes, there are almost always habits and patterns within a relationship that both people created and that can breed the disconnect that can then lead to infidelity.

It is up to you to apologize for what you are responsible for—not focusing in on what you think your partner has done. That is his or her decision. Choose your words consciously to reflect your intentions.

Let go of expectations.

What may be the most difficult part of saying “I’m sorry” after an affair is actually your expectations of what will happen after you apologize. Yes, it can be a huge challenge to take responsibility for your actions and then listen to how upset your partner feels because of the affair. But it can be even more challenging when you assume that your apology will quickly or even instantly “fix” your relationship.

As important as “I’m sorry” is, there is almost always more time and healing needed in order for trust to turn around.

See if you can offer your apology without expectations about how your mate will respond. Rebuilding trust is a process and it might take awhile for your words to be received and felt. Be prepared to give room for your partner to deal with what you’ve said and then make choices about what he or she needs to happen next. It might be the case that your mate needs to hear you say “I’m sorry” in a heartfelt way again when he or she is more receptive. Really pay attention to what your mate is requesting of you.

You might ask what actions you could take to make amends and begin to prove you are trustable. Sometimes the ways your partner wants you to demonstrate your dependability and trustability are different than what you might assume. Listen and only agree to actions that you are willing and able to follow through on.

Even before you step into the same room with your partner with an apology on your lips, be clear within yourself. Be clear about what you need to do for yourself to forgive and earn your own trust. Again, this can be just as much a process. But once you have started to forgive yourself, it can be easier to know what next steps you need to take to rebuild trust with your mate.

As you can see, there is a lot of behind-the-scenes work that can go into an apology. Of course, there are no guarantees. But when you say “I’m sorry” from the heart and with an intention to take responsibility and do what it takes to make amends, re-connection is a possibility.

Jealousy can make even the most mundane situations explode in a barrage of overwhelming emotion. Fear, worry, anger and more.

A jealousy habit can seriously hamper your ability to attract the kind of close, connected and trusting relationship that you’re looking for. Instead, you seem to get more of the same. More doubt. More suspicion. More insecurity. More distance and tension. More rejections and breakups too.

Carmen calls herself a drama queen. Friends, family and her exes have characterized her in this way. And, she secretly delights in being the colorful, intense person that she identifies as. Problems arise, however, when she tries to be in a love relationship.

Although Carmen has dated many men and some for extended periods of time, these relationships have all been plagued by a lot of intensity. Some of the intensity has been enjoyable, such as the intimacy and lovemaking she’s had with different boyfriends.

But, most of the intensity has come from Carmen’s out of control jealousy.

Quite often, Carmen’s ex-boyfriends gave her “good” reason to be jealous. They’d lie to her or flirt with other women. A couple of her exes cheated. Carmen has never experienced a love relationship in which she didn’t feel some form of insecurity and jealousy– even with men who gave her no valid reason to be jealous.

She desperately wants to change this dismal pattern before entering another relationship. Carmen would like to stop her jealousy and lessen the drama in her relationships so that she can finally be happy and in love.

If Carmen’s story sounds familiar to what you’ve lived, know this…

Your jealousy habit does not have to stand in the way of the relationship you desire any longer. You can start right now to create the kind of life you want and to attract the perfect partner for you.

Be aware of your tendencies.

If you feel like your past relationships and life have had more than enough drama and you’d like to turn things around, start by looking within. How do you tend to react to situations that catch you by surprise, feel out of your control and trigger jealousy?

Without judging your usual reactions as good or bad, make a mental note of your tendencies. Be specific and recognize what seems to send you into suspicion or worry (even if there’s no valid reason for it).

Get behind the drama and to the roots of your jealousy.

If there are unresolved issues from your past that still cause you emotional pain, take steps to make completions and heal. If you tend to be insecure, think of one thing each day you could differently that would start to strengthen your confidence and self esteem.

Be in the now as much as possible and get into practice questioning your worrisome thoughts before you act on them.

Carmen is well aware that in every past relationship, she almost expected her partner to have an affair and lie to her. She developed a very quick reaction to anything that, to her, resembled a sign of infidelity.

Unfortunately, Carmen’s dramatic jealous reactions to any “suspicious” signs in her partner weren’t always accurate. She realizes that, some of the time, she had already decided that a guy was lying to her or would cheat before they’d finished their first date!

Carmen can see that her habit of jumping to a “worst case” before she even identifies the “facts” has led to a lot of conflict and heartache in her life. She’s ready to try something different– and is hopeful that the results will be positively different too!

Clear the way for the love you’re looking for.

When you make completions about your past, you can often more easily respond rather than react. When you treat yourself with more love, kindness and acceptance, you are less easily triggered and more apt to pause, feel into yourself and make a conscious decision before speaking or acting.

From a place of presence, you can question the assumptions that might jump to your mind and that have, in the past, spurred you to be dramatic.

This is essential to being open to your perfect partner.

For example, now that Carmen is more aware of why she gets jealous, she can respond rather than react when she is triggered. On a date with a new guy, she’s starting to notice it when something he says triggers her. She stops and reminds herself that she’s not with one of her exes. She asks herself if she has any real evidence to support the assumptions she’s making.

When Carmen takes the time to sort out the past from the present, she can choose a response rather than be controlled by a dramatic jealous reaction. She’s finding that her jealousy is less intense and frequent.

Please remember that changing a jealous habit and healing past wounds can take some time. Be patient, gentle and supportive of yourself. Be sure to congratulate yourself along the way to making this change and opening up to love!

Jenny’s husband, Todd, cheated 6 months ago and, while he has ended the affair and promised her that he’s now committed to their marriage, Todd refuses to talk about the infidelity. Whenever Jenny asks him why he cheated and what they can learn from the affair, he becomes angry and defensive.

Todd often tells Jenny to stop “living in the past” and to let what happened go.

Unfortunately, Jenny feels like they are doomed to repeat the same mistakes again unless they talk about Todd’s affair and learn from it.

Anybody who has lived through a partner cheating would probably agree…

The idea of re-living the betrayal and the pain of infidelity by talking about is not anyone’s idea of fun. However, in order to rebuild trust, it’s helpful to identify what you two were doing before the affair and then come up with a plan that will increase your chances of NOT falling into the same disconnecting patterns again.

If you want to repair your marriage, it’s a good idea to find a way to forgive your partner. It’s also helpful to train yourself to live in the present moment and acknowledge the improvements that are occurring.

At the same time, if you and your partner don’t try to better understand how the infidelity happened and how your marriage became distant and tense, it will be nearly impossible to truly rebuild trust and move closer together.

Perhaps, like Jenny, you are convinced about this, but your spouse– the one who cheated– is not. Whether he or she clams up and refuses to talk about anything related to infidelity or if your partner becomes defensive and lashes out at you when the topic arises, the effect is the same.

It can feel like you are the only one in your marriage willing to rebuild trust.

If so, here are 3 tips to keep in mind…

#1: Focus mostly on the disconnecting habits in your marriage.

For the time being, you can stop talking about the fact that your partner had an affair and, instead, hone in on the habits that you both had (and probably still have) that have torn you apart.

Your spouse who cheated most certainly needs to take ownership for his or her decision to cheat. Proving to you that he or she is trustable is essential to healing.

In addition to this, find the courage to put your marriage under the microscope. Take a close look at the ways that you and your spouse tend to communicate with one another, how you two interact in the bedroom and how open and honest you both are with one another.

This investigation is not about deciding which one of you is ultimately “to blame” for where your marriage is at the moment. What it IS about is uncovering the habits that are driving you two far apart that can be changed.

Once you have recognized that, for example, you and your mate have put everything else in your lives ahead of your relationship, it’s time to create some new agreements together. Propose to your spouse that you try an experiment for a period of time during which you will make one another and your marriage at least as important as your kids, your careers, hobbies, etc.

#2: Choose words that will keep you both open.

When a person makes a big mistake– such as having an affair– it’s understandable that it would feel embarrassing, guilt-inducing and even painful for him or her to have to re-live that error over and over again.

Keep in mind that when a person feels embarrassment or guilt, he or she is likely to close down to a conversation that is centered on that big mistake.

When you do talk about your relationship with your spouse (which may or may not include references to the infidelity), you probably want him or her to stay open and engaged so that you two can move toward further healing and connection.

For this reason, whenever you are communicating with your partner about rebuilding trust and repairing your relationship, it’s advisable for you to choose words that promote openness as well as honesty.

For example, Jenny used to say to Todd, “It’s time that we talk about your affair. Why won’t you ever open up about what happened?” While it’s understandable that Jenny is frustrated, as you might guess, Todd shuts down every time she begins a conversation like this.

Instead, Jenny might say, “Because our marriage is so important to me, I want to make improvements in how we interact with one another. I have a habit of jumping to conclusions and becoming jealous when you talk to other women. Are you willing to talk with me about some ways that we could work together to bring some positive changes about this?”

Jenny could use her words to focus on making improvements in the future. She can let Todd know that she acknowledges her role in certain dynamics and that she’d like to work as a team.

#3: Keep in touch with what you want for yourself and your future.

Ultimately, you get to decide whether or not the steps toward proving trustability that your spouse is taking are enough for you. Stay tuned in to what you want for yourself and for your future. Know that you deserve to be loved and treated with respect.

You might be caught wondering if you have finally lost all touch with reality because of your jealousy or if the suspicions you have that your partner is cheating are true.

Nobody wants to be called (or feel) crazy and nobody wants to be made a fool of by a lying and cheating partner.

What is making you feel crazy is not knowing what or whom to trust. The thoughts you are having might be telling you one thing and your mate may be saying something completely different.

You could be left not knowing if you can trust or believe anything or anyone– especially yourself.

It’s probable that you’d like to know what’s really going on so that you can make decisions about what to do next.

Tammy has started to second-guess everything. She confronted her boyfriend, Alan, with her suspicions that he is having an affair and it ended up a total disaster. He became defensive, angry, called her jealous and even questioned her sanity.

Tammy now feels guilty about accusing Alan of cheating…but she is still confused. From her perspective, he is still acting strangely. He continues to be evasive, distant and secretive. None of the questions that led to her suspicion that he’s cheating have been answered.

Tammy– and you– are not crazy. You can learn how to tell the difference between jealousy and clues that indicate lying and infidelity are happening.

Here are three ways to know…

Cut through your mind chatter.

The mind can play tricks on you. For example, Tammy feels triggered when Alan is late coming home and hasn’t called. The chatter in her brain begins:

“Where is he? Has he been hurt? Is he with someone else? Why hasn’t he called? Could he be lying to me all this time? Is he like men I’ve heard about and read about in magazines? Why would he do this to me?”

And so the mind spins on creating an entire scenario to try to figure out what is really going on. The trouble with mind chatter like this is it could be completely inaccurate, even as it feels so real.

The imagined scenario could also be accurate– but you will not know for sure because you have no reliable evidence to back up your guesses.

One way to practice cutting through the mind chatter is to recognize it for what it is. When you notice yourself feeling triggered and the fearful thoughts flood your mind, pause and take a deep breath.

Pay attention to the fact that you feel worried. Remind yourself that you don’t yet know what is actually going on. Focus in on the questions that you have and the information that you need to know in order to alleviate your confusion.

Since you usually don’t have immediate access to reliable answers to your questions, learn how to soothe yourself in the meantime. Take a bath, take more deep abdominal breaths, go for a walk, talk with a friend (about something else) or find a way to take the edge off for yourself that is healthy.

Look for indisputable evidence.

Depend most of all on your 5 senses. Listen to what your partner is actually saying about where he’s been and what he’s been doing. Does this make logical sense or is it contradictory?

Notice any foreign smells on your mate’s body or clothing that may be a clue to either support or discount your suspicions. What do you see in terms of radical (and unexplained) changes that your partner has made to his or her appearance?

You need to be present and keep your mind open to all possibilities—including the possibility that you might not want to admit– in order to really collect evidence that will help you make a full assessment of what’s going on.

This may take some time. It is not usually one thing that indicates that a person is cheating (or not cheating). Instead, it is often a compilation of gathered facts.

Hold off on talking with your partner about what you are discovering until you feel certain that what you’ve found cannot easily be disputed.

Even if what you find is that your partner is not having an affair and it is your jealousy that’s making you feel suspicious, this waiting can be helpful. You need to be sure about your assessment and come up with a plan for what your next step is in any case.

Don’t discount your gut feelings.

Even as we encourage you to rely on your 5 senses when trying to answer those nagging questions, we still believe that the gut can be helpful.

The trick here is to know the difference between your true gut instincts and the mind chatter we discussed above.

A gut feeling or instinct almost always comes to you when you are not thinking or concentrating too hard. It is often experienced as a sure knowing and, even if that knowing is something unwanted, there can be a certain calm about that information and knowing.

Rely on all of your resources when trying to determine if your partner is having an affair or if your jealousy is leading you to untrue suspicions. In either case, treat yourself with love and extra care and remember that you get to choose your next best step.

Despite your desire for a closer relationship, does it seem like the tension and irritation in your marriage is moving the two of you further apart?

Are you longing for some REAL changes to happen so that you can finally have the kind of bond with your spouse that you’ve always wanted?

Well, sometimes the answer to questions like these sounds absolutely crazy and absolutely like it won’t work…

But, quite often, the more outlandish and irrational the idea, the more effective it is.

That’s the case with this bit of relationship advice we’re about to suggest to you.

If you and your partner bicker and quarrel frequently…

If it seems to you that you can never say or do the “right” thing in your partner’s estimation…

If your partner is nearly always getting on your nerves for doing those things that he or she does…

We’ve got a crazy-sounding technique that we want you to experiment with.

Don’t try to change anything whatsoever about your partner or your relationship.

We’re often writing articles and advising our coaching clients about how to make changes in a love relationship or marriage. We suggest methods for overcoming jealousy, enhancing intimacy and rebuilding trust– and these improvements usually happen by making changes.

Sometimes, however, the wisest move to make is to come to a place of acceptance and even appreciation about what is. In other words, sometimes the biggest improvements occur when no apparent change has happened at all.

Stop trying to change.

Now, of course, what we’re suggesting here is an actual change. It is a change of approach and perspective within you that may even spur your partner toward a similar change of perspective.

Beth gets so annoyed with her husband Jason. He can be downright rude to others. He is often closed-minded, stubborn and his table manners also leave a lot to be desired.

As much as Beth would like to just ignore these bad habits, she finds herself fixating on them. Usually, she also tries to fix them in Jason. As gently as possible, she points out when she thinks he’s hurt someone else’s feelings or behaved inappropriately.

Needless to say, Beth’s attempts to get Jason to change his ways are rarely successful and often lead to arguments between them.

What if Beth stopped trying so hard to change all of those things about Jason that irritate her and that she deems to be wrong?

What would happen if, instead, Beth shifted her focus and her view of Jason?

Practice acceptance

You might equate accepting your spouse’s apparent faults with condoning or promoting behavior that you don’t like or even find offensive.

This is actually not what we mean at all.

When you practice acceptance of your mate, you are merely acknowledging that he or she is the way that he or she is. You remove the judgments that you may previously have made of your partner and of what your partner is saying or doing.

This removal of judgments and criticisms is very powerful on many levels.

First of all, you are no longer making yourself responsible for another person’s behavior. Essentially, when you try to make your partner change in some way, you are indicating that it is your job to ensure that your mate follows a certain set of rules (these are your rules and priorities, by the way).

When you release yourself from that role of being responsible for your partner, you free yourself to more fully be the person that you want to be. You can spend more time and energy on you.

Another benefit of removing judgments and criticisms is that you can stop feeling powerless.

Let’s face it.

Rarely can one person truly make another person to change. When you really want your mate to be a different way and, over and over again, you come up against the fact that you simply cannot make this change happen, it can be frustrating and disempowering.

When you practice accepting that this is the way that your mate is at this moment in time, you can notice what is and then make a choice.

Your choices are many.

Here are a few that we recommend: You could choose to focus on something else about your partner or the circumstances that does not irritate or annoy you. You could change your own response so that it will improve and not further inflame the situation.

You could remember that your mate is a multi-faceted being with many appealing as well as unappealing characteristics.

Another choice that you can make is to learn how to appreciate…in even the most difficult of times.

Practice appreciation

We know, when you feel annoyed, appreciation is probably the furthest thing from your mind. We do NOT recommend that you cover over or shove down how you actually feel and pretend that you aren’t feeling what you are feeling.

At the same time, we encourage you to get into the habit of finding aspects about the situations that come up in your day-to-day life that you can appreciate.

You might appreciate that your partner handled a tense moment with another person with grace this time. You could appreciate the way that you are giving most of your attention to what your mate is saying, rather than to how he is slurping his coffee.

You may appreciate that she is asking you to fix the leaky faucet instead of ordering you to do it.

There are so many things that you can choose to appreciate– even your differences–  if you make that choice.

There are certainly times when agreements to change a behavior need to be created by you and your mate. There are absolutely situations in which a boundary needs to be set.

But, there are also plenty of other times in which a couple could move closer together when one or both of them decides to practice acceptance and appreciation.

Becca can’t seem to stop her jealous thoughts about Jason having an affair with another woman who lives in a different city. She wants to trust Jason and believe him when he says that he is not cheating, but it’s so hard when the stories in her mind seem so real.

And sometimes he is secretive about where he’s been when she tries to call his cell phone late at night and he doesn’t answer. Becca really doesn’t know what to believe anymore.

She can see that her relationships is tense and strained and she’s never felt so far away from Jason as she does now.

When your jealous thoughts take hold, it can be difficult to stop them. They seem so real– and the fact of the matter is, you may not know what’s real.

After all, your jealousy probably didn’t materialize out of nothing. Perhaps there is something going on that your jealous fears are alerting you about. But, then again, perhaps your jealous fears have more to do with your insecurity or past hurts than they do with your current partner and relationship.

We know, it can be confusing and frustrating.

Before jealousy completely ruins your relationship, try these 3 tips…

#1) Get to the root of your jealousy.

When you are feeling less triggered, take some time to explore the possible roots of your jealousy.

We encourage you to set aside, for the moment, your judgment about whether or not your jealous thoughts are true or false. For now, identify the feelings that come up most frequently for you when you are jealous.

Is it fear that you will be abandoned? Is it a feeling of inadequacy about who you are and your worthiness of having a loving partner? Is it anger or resentment because you feel like you are being ignored or your needs are not being met?

Get to know these emotions. Ask yourself if the feelings and thoughts related to them remind you of any past experiences or previous relationships.

This is all very valuable to know.

#2) Return to the present moment.

Now, bring your attention back to the present moment. Get into the habit of determining if your feelings– and especially the thoughts that fuel the feelings– are based in what’s going on right now or, if they instead link more directly to the past.

It’s quite possible that what’s going on between you and your current partner is similar to a dynamic that developed in a past relationship.

Begin to practice telling the difference between what is happening right now and what happened in the past. In the heat of a jealous moment, it can be a challenge to do this.

You can build your skills in this regard by returning to the present moment throughout your day– about things that are unrelated to your relationship at first.

Becca has started to consciously bring her attention back to the present moment several times a day.

When she is taking breaks from her work at the office, she’ll recognize that her mind is beginning to wander and she is thinking about what she did last night or what she will do this weekend. After this recognizing, Becca takes a deep breath and deliberately tunes in to her current surroundings.

She feels clear and centered after she does this. She plans to try this technique the next time that she begins to notice the first signs of jealousy.

#3) Follow through.

These first two tips are inner skills that you can practice and use when jealous emotions arise within you. They can be very powerful techniques that can help you calm down and become more certain about what you are seeing or hearing.

With the increased clarity, you can make decisions that will support you and possibly help you save your relationship.

For example, as Becca is becoming more adept at returning to the present moment and sorting through her emotions and thoughts, she is realizing that she has many unanswered questions about Jason’s behavior on these business trips.

Too often, Becca notices that Jason will simply call her jealous when she asks him why he didn’t answer his phone while away. He tends to avoid these questions even when she is curious, not accusatory.

As you come upon information that just doesn’t add up or you see behaviors and habits that you’d like to change, be sure to follow through.

Make requests for more information so that you can better understand what your partner is telling you. Create agreements with him or her in order to address habits that create distance in your relationship.

If you aren’t certain that you can trust the answers that you are receiving from your mate, find ways to get reliable information. There are specific actions you can take to determine the truth about whether or not your partner is lying and cheating, for example.

Yes, we encourage you to own up to your jealous habit if you have one. Try the tips we suggested above so that you can stop jealousy from clouding your vision of what’s going on.

At the same time, we advise you to be wise– get the information you need so that your questions can be reliably answered. These steps just might help you save your relationship.

Not only is Jeff concerned that he’s “too old,” “not wealthy enough,” “not in good enough shape,” “not funny enough,” etc. to attract the kind of woman that he’s attracted to, he’s got another concern…

He is worried that he’ll run into the same annoying, irritating and emotionally painful patterns that were present in his marriage. He does NOT want to get together with a woman who’s just like his ex-wife. The last thing that Jeff wants to do is repeat history!

After noticing a good-looking woman, before he even gets up the nerve to go talk to her, questions like, “Will she be as controlling as my ex was?” “Will she be hyper-critical like my ex?” “Will she yell around and lose it over any little thing like my ex?”

The more these questions build in his mind, the less attracted to this complete stranger Jeff is. At the same time, Jeff is lonely. He doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life as a bachelor. He misses the companionship and the passion of being in a love relationship.

Are you a man or a woman who is looking for a new love relationship (or maybe even a new marriage)?

Do you feel stuck because a) you kind of forget how to play the “dating game” since it’s been so long AND/OR b) you are worried that you’ll just get yourself into another dissatisfying, conflict-ridden and heart-breaking relationship?

If any of these are true for you, the first thing we suggest you do is to slow down and take a deep breath. We know, it’s no fun to be alone when you don’t want to be. If you are getting pressure from friends and family that “it’s time to date again,” this only adds to the urgency you might feel.

Here’s what we know to be true (for just about everyone)…

Attracting a partner who is a perfect match will happen when the time and conditions are right.

You can drag yourself to singles’ events. You can enroll in online dating programs. And, please do these thing if you want to do them– they can be fun and you can also meet interesting people this way, maybe even people you will date.

But, what is perhaps the most important thing you can do is to get yourself lined up for the kind of partner and relationship you want. A lot of this happens inside of you. When you take these steps (that aren’t really in any order), the actions that you take will almost always be more effective and more positive too.

Step #1: Know what you want.

This can be fun. Get very clear within yourself about what kind of partner you DO want. It’s possible that your past experiences have made it quite obvious what you do NOT prefer and what you really dislike in a relationship.

Turn those “I hate…” and those “it really gets on my nerves when…” assertions into statements of what you ARE looking for and what you WOULD enjoy.

It might be tempting to look through magazines, point to attractive models and say to yourself, “I am looking for someone with those abs, that butt, that chest, etc.” We don’t recommend that, actually. There’s nothing wrong with admiring the physical attributes of a person– even models whose images have probably been airbrushed.

But, you’re probably thinking too narrowly if this is your primary focus. Yes, physical attractiveness is something to get clear about, but try to keep your possibilities open as you define what that is for you.

If you’re having a difficult time with this, ask yourself what your ideal Saturday night with your perfect match would be like. What kinds of activities would you two do together? How would you feel when you’re with this person? Use questions like these to get started.

Step #2: Release your past.

If there’s one thing that will surely doom your chances at a new relationship, it’s you holding onto the past. Whether you’re fixated on the good or the bad memories you have of your ex, the dominance of these memories will stand in the way of you attracting the kind of partner you really want.

When people find themselves in what feels like the same relationship dynamic again and again– only with different people– it’s generally because there’s something about that dynamic that has not been resolved.

This is part of the reason why people who believe that they will “always be lied to and cheated on” regularly have that relationship experience. There is something about that dynamic, that often involves low expectations, mistrust, jealousy, lying and infidelity, that has yet to be sorted through and released.

The result is that, like a magnet, the person tends to attract the same, painful experience in seemingly every relationship.

It’s doesn’t have to be this way.

Make a conscious effort to let your past go. Learn from what happened. Be aware of your own habits and patterns that might have contributed to the dynamic that you can’t seem to get away from AND deliberately let it go. Making completions can help.

This is a process and can take some time. Be patient and give yourself what you need.

Step #3: Interact with each new person and situation from a present-focused perspective.

The freer you are of your past, the freer you are to attract the perfect match for you. When you are interacting with new people or people you already know, be present.

Keep your mind, body and all of you in the here and now. If your attention begins to wander back to the past, to limiting beliefs you have about yourself or anything other than this person you are with, return to the present moment.

Make eye contact and really listen to what the other person has to say. Consider his or her words and respond in genuine and honest ways. When the sparks for passion and romance are there, you’ll know!

You probably want to heal your broken heart and to feel some relief. You probably want to know that one day– in the near future even– you will feel happy again.

We’re here to remind you that you can feel better again. You can feel happy and you might even choose to share love with a partner again sometime in the future.

But for right now, in order to heal your broken heart, it’s vital that you get back to basics.

The decisions you are making right now may possibly involve: where you will live, how to fairly divide up possessions and finances, how best to help your children cope with this change, who will have primary care and responsibility for your children and other issues.

In the midst of these more practical and logistical questions you might be grappling with, it is likely that you are also feeling sadness, grief, anger, fear and perhaps some amount of relief in certain cases. Your emotions might seem overwhelming and they also might be confusing if you are experiencing a mix of feelings.

As all of this swirls and whirls around you and within you, it is quite probable that you aren’t taking care of yourself as well as you used to– or as well as your situation calls for you to.

Chloe feels sick inside. Ever since her husband, Lance, asked her for a divorce, Chloe has felt a slight nausea and lump in her stomach. As they’ve worked out the details of their divorce, sold their home, divided up over a decade’s worth of possessions and even sorted out who their treasured pet dog will live with, Chloe has been increasingly unwell.

She cries easily and often and feels depressed. After she settled in her new apartment, Chloe thought she’d start to feel better. But it seems like this new life is only making her feel lower and sicker as well. It’s as if her life is only getting worse. Chloe wants more than anything else to start to feel better emotionally and physically.

Broken Heart Basics Tip #1: Take care of yourself.

This tip might seem simplistic and too obvious. But how many people who are going through a breakup or divorce actually take the time to do this?

Self-care is essential when you are stressed out, dealing with a tough transition and trying to heal your broken heart. It might be that soothing and nurturing your own self gets put on the back burner as you deal with more “important” issues.

We urge you to take the time to give yourself extra TLC, especially when your life seems to be pulling you in all directions and your feel lousy inside.

Take care of yourself by making sure you are eating healthy whole foods that bolster your immune system rather than drag it (and you) down. Get regular exercise even if it’s only taking a walk outdoors daily. Move your body and breathe deeply.

Give yourself emotional self-care as well. Experiment with relaxation techniques or meditation to learn to clear your mind and tune in to your deep needs. Consider working with a coach or finding a book or dvd program that is geared toward helping you feel better about yourself and more hopeful about your life.

Chloe sits down one afternoon and develops a self-care plan. She realizes that she’s been downright neglectful of her own well-being through the whole divorce process. It’s as if she’s been on autopilot reacting to whatever comes her way.

After making an agreement with herself to fill her refrigerator with healthier foods, she also makes a commitment to take the dog for daily walks and to a nearby dog park. She knows that both she and her canine friend will benefit from this.

Broken Heart Basics Tip #2: Simplify your life.

Another step toward healing your broken heart could be to streamline your life. Staying active in organizations and continuing with activities that you are involved with might serve as a distraction from your painful feelings.

But this could backfire if, at the end of the day, you feel drained and sapped out– emotionally and physically. Take a look at your usual activities and responsibilities. What can you simplify? Even if it’s for a trial period of time, consider cutting back on your busy-ness and create more time and energy for that essential self-care.

Give yourself space and time.

Chloe has enjoyed her volunteer work for various organizations in her city. This makes her feel like a responsible citizen. But all of the volunteering– on top of her paid job– has also felt like a drain as she’s dealt with the post-divorce transitions.

It is a difficult choice for Chloe, but she decides to take a sabbatical from all of her volunteer work. She contacts the chairpeople for these organizations and informs them that she will not be available to help with their projects for 2 months.

Chloe feels a bit nervous stepping away from her usual busy life, but she also feels a huge sense of relief. Her stomach even eases a bit. Chloe has promised herself that at the end of the 2 months, she will re-evaluate and decide whether she is ready to resume her volunteering and at what level of involvement.

Even if you have children to care for, your needs and your well-being are absolutely most important. As you create more time, space and energy to soothe and nurture yourself, you can begin to feel the healing that is happening for you.

Give yourself this gift and know that relief is on its way.

To Tina, it seemed unavoidable that her once-spicy relationship with Larry would become dull. After all, they’ve been together for 14 years now.

Isn’t this what happens in all long-term relationships?

Even though Tina believes that it’s only natural that her marriage will lose its spark, her relationship with Larry is so lackluster, she dreads the evenings and weekends when they are alone together.

She wonders if she should just put up with the dullness and be happy that Larry’s not out with other women having affairs or if it truly is time to leave.

Your marriage or long-term relationship may not be as dissatisfying as Tina’s is to her. At the same time, it may be that you and your partner have busy schedules and responsibilities that don’t seem to allow for passion anymore.

Should people have to settle for less?

First of all, it is not inevitable that a long-term relationship has to become dull or boring. This can be changed.

A big reason why many people in lackluster relationships don’t do anything to change the situation is a fear of change.

You might worry that if you voiced your desire for more excitement, romance and lovemaking to your partner, he or she would possibly get angry, irritated with you or close down and become defensive.

You may fear that this is the best your mate can give you. What then? Is it time to leave the relationship and head out into the single’s world again?

When you know what isn’t satisfying to you, yet you worry about making a significant change, you can easily become stuck– stuck in resentment, complaining and bitterness.

Really make the choice whether to stay in or leave this relationship.

As much as the thought of making a big change might cause you to cringe, we suggest that you remind yourself that you do get to choose.

Each and every day, it is up to you whether to stay in this relationship or leave it.

Of course, we know it’s not usually as simple as we make it sound.

At the same time, it is more simple than you might believe it to be.

When you find yourself unhappy with your relationship, take a step back and pose this question to yourself:

“Am I ready to explore leaving this relationship or do I want to stay and begin to improve it?”

Whatever answer you give to this question can help you to become unstuck.

Tina’s answer is that she does want to stay married to Larry. Despite all of her complaints, she loves him deeply.

She decides that it’s time to start adding to her marriage by spicing things up again…rather than taking away from it with her criticisms.

Stir up the lackluster.

Start with yourself. If you want more passion in your relationship, don’t expect your mate to do all of the work!

Too often, one person looks to his or her partner to provide the “Wow” and the sparks for the marriage. This is unfair and limits the amount of passion that can be generated as well.

Look within yourself for what helps you feel more alive and excited about life. This might mean that you take up a hobby or discover a new interest.

Whether it’s an activity or a new way of approaching life, open up to what stirs you up– in a positive way– and create more space in your life for that.

Stoke your own internal fires about life. Encourage your mate to do the same.

As you do this, begin to bring that renewed passion into your interactions with your partner.

Invite your partner in.

Be assured that even spark-generating activities you do by yourself or with other people can positively affect your marriage.

It’s never has to be an “either/or” dilemma.

You can invite your mate to join you in the activity or approach to life. He or she can share in the excitement by even watching the new light in your eyes and cheering you on. You can do the same for him or her.

Even if you don’t see the point in golf, gardening, book clubs, restoring cars or whatever it is, pay attention to how taking part in that activity light’s up your mate.

You two could find some passion-inducing things to do together too. There are plenty of resources that offer ideas.

What is perhaps most important is for you both to stay open to and supportive of one another’s interests. Acknowledge that spark and communicate your appreciation for it and for your partner.

This will help you to bring that feeling of passion into your relationship and keep it burning brightly.

Your jealous thoughts– that might be similar to these– can seem torturous. What begins as a gnawing worry that your partner is somehow going to leave or betray you, can end up full-blown fear.

And jealous fears can overwhelm and seem to take you over.

In the midst of an attack of jealous worries, you might not be able to see or hear anything other than what you are thinking and stewing about. The worst part is, it’s hard to get out from under the jealousy and the anxious thoughts you are having.

It’s difficult to know what’s really going on and it’s tough to determine what to believe about your partner, yourself and your relationship in this state. It is also nearly impossible to make a sound judgment about what your next move should be.

The first step in overcoming jealousy, is to learn how to get yourself out of these painful and consuming jealousy fear “attacks.”

Quite often, when jealous fears get triggered and a fear attack takes hold, people flip into a survival mode.

They might fight what’s going on by taking action and saying or doing things that they might not otherwise do. This can certainly lead to later regret and a deepening of existing relationship problems.

In this survival mode, people might also experience a flight reaction. This might involve literally leaving a situation and actually running away. Or it could entail a symbolic flight in which the person dissociates or “leaves” his or her body by spacing out. Addictions to alcohol, drugs, food or other things can develop.

You really cannot rationally deal with your jealousy until you can calm yourself down and find some sense of ease. It is vital that you recognize when you are flipping into a survival mode and then use specific strategies to get yourself back into a more mindful place.

Try these strategies to calm yourself when a jealous fear “attack” happens…

1.) Re-connect with your body.

Many of us have become quite practiced at disconnecting from our bodies. We spend a lot of time focusing on what’s going on in our minds. This is one reason why our thoughts seem to have so much power over us when jealousy crops up.

When you are feeling relatively relaxed, practice dropping your attention down into your body. Allow whatever it is you are thinking about to fade away for the time being and just feel into yourself.

Where do you feel tight? Where do you feel looser? Are there hot or cold sensations in specific places in your body?

Just make note of this information.

Try to practice this body re-connecting several times a week. This can serve you in so many ways.

One very significant way that this new habit can help is that when you start to feel overwhelmed, you will recognize your body signals. You can become clued in to an impending jealousy fear attack when it is developing rather than feeling hit by it full force.

And even if you’ve not established this practice, when you feel overwhelmed, desperate or anxious, you can still consciously move your attention down into your body. Breathe deeply and visualize your breath moving through your entire body.

2. Allow your emotions to move.

As you drop down into your body, you might find that your attention is still drawn to the painful and worrisome questions or thoughts you might be having. If so, continue to use your breath as an aid to keep re-connecting with your body.

This will probably require your patience and persistence.

With this clearer connection with your body, intense emotions might arise. You may feel sad, angry, grief, or a mixture of feelings.

Believe it or not, when you allow your emotions to move through you, it can be easier and even quicker to step out of that jealousy fear attack. Again, if thoughts linked to those feelings start to dominate, gently breathe your way back to the feelings.

You might find yourself needing to cry, yell or express those feelings in some way. Give yourself permission to do so– as long as you aren’t hurting yourself or another.

3. Use loving touches.

A specific technique for keeping your attention on your body is to gently place your hands on yourself. Put your hands, palms down, on your heart, for example.

Simply be with what you are feeling and let the warmth and energy of your own hands move into your heart area. You don’t have to have any special training for this, just try it. You might even wrap your arms around your own self and feel your own embrace.

Although these techniques may seem different or even strange compared to what you are used to, they are worth experimenting with. You can calm yourself when jealous fears overwhelm you– especially when you are patient and loving with yourself.

The good news is, as you learn how to ease the intensity of your jealous fears, you will undoubtedly find yourself clearer and better able to let go of jealousy completely.

In difficult times, it is vital that you stay focused on what you want and also on your next step. If it feels overwhelming to think too far ahead, don’t. You can keep what you want in mind as a goal and then look only as far as your very next decision. Believe it or not, a trust turnaround can happen after a series of seemingly small steps. They all can add up to that relationship you desire– whether it’s with your current partner or down the road with someone else.

Consider these 8 steps toward a trust turnaround as a starting point. You can learn and practice them in-depth in our new guidebook, Relationship Trust Turnaround.

Step #1: Step back and determine your situation. Take off all blinders as well as your perceptions that may be biased by fears, jealousy or anger. From as “objective” a standpoint as you can manage at this moment, really look at your situation. Where do you stand now in the aftermath of the trust violation? Keep yourself focused on your feelings and what you absolutely know to be true rather than guesses or suppositions you may be making.

Step #2: Understand your relationship rules and values. Each person brings to a relationship rules and values. These might be things you were taught from an early age or beliefs and preferences you have developed over time. Nobody’s rules or values are necessarily “right” or “wrong.” But often, in relationships, we don’t make our rules and values clear to the other person or we don’t truly listen to the rules and values of our partner.

This lack of information and sometimes lack of respect can lead to hurt and betrayals. On the flip side, when you really listen to your partner’s relationship rules and make clear to him or her your own, you two can make agreements that feel good to both of you. This allows trust to rebuild.

Step #3: Learn to trust yourself. How many times do you discount your own feelings because you’ve learned that it’s easier to shove aside how you feel, that what you feel isn’t valid, or for other reasons? Maybe you’re confused because your gut seems to be guiding you one way and your mind is guiding you in another. When you learn to trust yourself, you can move forward with your truth with confidence and clarity. From this place of self-trust, you can also set the boundaries you need to set within your relationship.

Step #4: Learn from what happened. Just about nobody wants to go back and revisit the infidelity or other betrayal that contributed to trust being broken in a relationship. While we don’t encourage you to revisit all of the details of what happened, we do urge you to learn what you can from the events.

Listen to yourself and to your partner with openness and find out what need was not being met at the time of the infidelity or betrayal. This is not about assigning (or re-asserting) blame or about making any behaviors okay, but it can be useful for you to learn from the past as you move forward.

Step #5: Decide what you each want and determine steps you are willing to take. Come back to the present moment and take a good hard look at what you want for yourself and your relationship at this time. If you are staying in the relationship, listen closely to what your partner wants. Now see where there is overlap or areas of convergence and from those spaces, determine the steps you two are willing to take. Write them down as a reminder.

Step #6: Make the commitment to rebuild trust. Every time you take another step toward healing in your relationship, make sure that it is backed up with a commitment to rebuilding trust together. In order to make a conscious commitment to rebuild trust, you both may need to look at your individual beliefs and attitudes about yourselves, each other and your relationship. Sometimes those beliefs and attitudes can block your movement and keep you stuck in the past, the pain and the disconnection. As you let those limitations go, you can commit to turn trust around.

Step #7: Determine the specific skills and strategies you need to learn. What new skills and strategies might be helpful to bring you two closer together and rebuild trust? Identify the specific skills that could be beneficial and then seek out resources to aid you both in developing them. This might include learning how to communicate more effectively, assistance in dealing with past traumas, or other skills.

Step #8: Rediscover fun, connection and love. As much as you can, allow yourselves to have fun along the way. Yes, you may be working through some difficult issues, but you can also make room for fun, connection and love. Try out activities that you two used to share and enjoy and see if they make you feel good together again. Explore some new activities that make you both feel alive. Remind yourself of all of the aspects about your partner that you used to love and adore. He or she is probably different now (as you are), but we bet those endearing qualities are still there to be found or rediscovered– especially as trust begins to rebuild.

We encourage you to look for what’s going right in your relationship. There might still be issues of disagreement and bumps as you proceed. But you can facilitate fully opening up to one another and to the rebuilding of trust more easily when you acknowledge and celebrate the trustable moments along the way.

Other than confessing that, over the course of several months, he had an affair with a woman he works with, Clint has not provided much information at all. He did tell Teri that he’s sorry the affair happened, but he has mainly been cold and distant.

Clint’s admission certainly clears up some of the confusion that Teri was feeling about their relationship. Over the past year, he’d begun to act differently than usual. He tried to explain away his erratic schedule and increased time taking private calls by claiming that he’d been assigned to new projects at work.

Now Teri knows that his “projects at work” were actually this affair!

Your partner might not have admitted to you that he or she is having an affair. You may have discovered the painful truth by yourself or heard it from a reliable source.

It could even be that you feel certain that your mate is cheating, but you haven’t been able to prove it.

In all of these circumstances, you are probably in a lot of emotional pain and turmoil.

You are undoubtedly facing the prospect of making a decision about whether you will stay in this relationship or leave it– and you probably never wanted to have to make that decision.

Attain clarity in the moment.

All of your anger, grief, worry, fear and other emotions are completely understandable right now.

Unfortunately, in the midst of these emotions it’s can be tough to make a long-term (or even a short-term) decision about your relationship and your life.

What you need to learn how to do is to allow yourself to feel these feelings and to also find ways to become clear about what you want.

You might not be able to guess what you might want a year from now– or even a month from now. But it is vital that you determine what it is that you want for yourself and from your partner right now.

To do this, give yourself time and space. You could start to regularly write down how you are feeling and what you are thinking about in a journal.

If that doesn’t appeal to you, set aside as few as 10 minutes every day to sit down, close your eyes and breathe. It’s amazing the way that a deep, abdominal breath can help to clear the mind.

Teri is very conflicted and upset about her current situation. Her parents and sister are urging her to file for divorce and her friends are just about ready to hunt Clint down. Their love and support is great, but it adds pressure.

Teri doesn’t feel ready to give up on her marriage. She still loves Clint. It doesn’t seem like that long ago, to Teri, that they were happy together.

At the same time, Teri knows that she needs to be able to trust Clint again in order to stay. She decides to ask him to meet and talk. She plans to write down a list of questions that she has for Clint.

Among them are these:

Have you ended this affair?
Are you willing to stay in and work on our marriage?
Would you consider meeting with a relationship coach either individually or with me?

Teri does not know how this talk with Clint will go. She has no idea if she will still want to stay in their marriage after she hears what he has to say (if he will open up). But she does feel certain that she needs to try to communicate with Clint in order to proceed with her decision-making.

Create agreements

With the clarity that you are gaining, you can come up with some agreements that will help you to further heal from the pain of infidelity and/or suspicion and mistrust.

Now it’s time to make some agreements.

The first agreements that we encourage you to make are with yourself. Before you pose questions to your partner about what happened and where you two will go from here, make some promises to yourself.

You might make an agreement with yourself that you will come to the talk with your mate with specific questions that you’d like answered– and you will not get side-tracked. You might also promise yourself that you will end the conversation (or take a break from it) if you feel like you are only hearing more lies.

We don’t know what is most important to you at this time, but you do. Promise yourself that you will communicate with your partner in ways that feel as good to you as possible.

If you are going to stay in this relationship– even for a conditional period of time– be sure to make agreements with him or her.

Create agreements that can help your partner prove that he or she is trustable to you. Be specific about this and make sure that there are concrete ways you can know positive changes are happening.

As out of your control as this whole situation may seem, it’s helpful to remember that you do have choice. Offer yourself extra care and love right now and honor that sense of choice.

But Annie still cannot sleep at night. She continues to feel overwhelmed and all torn up inside because of the breakup of her long-term love relationship.

She knows that ending the relationship was a wise idea. Her live-in boyfriend of the past 8 years was cheating on her– and this isn’t the first time he’s had an affair

Even though she believes that breaking up with him was for the best, Annie still can’t seem to get over the sadness, grief and emotional pain. A friend of hers suggested that she try distracting herself from her broken heart, but it isn’t helping at all.

If you are desperate to get over your broken heart pain, you might try to distract yourself in whatever way you can.

It’s absolutely true that a distraction in the form of a class, hobby or volunteer work are healthier ways to try to cope with a broken heart than other things– such as turning to alcohol, drugs or other potentially addictive substances or practices.

At the same time, it’s almost always the case the distraction does not effectively support your healing.

Have you ever tried to ignore or just work through a headache? You can return to your report, chore, conversation or whatever it is that you’re doing. This distraction from your headache might work for a period of time.

But, chances are, the headache remains. In fact, your headache may end up being a distraction from other things you are wanting to do.

When you attempt to distract yourself from the sadness, anger and upset you feel about your breakup or divorce, you might be trying to escape the discomfort and pain– just like you would with headache pain.

This is understandable.

Whatever you choose to do may be a perfectly wonderful activity. But, if you aren’t also dealing with the real feelings you have, the distraction will not help you to truly heal.

Focus on your feelings and needs– NOW.

Be in the present moment as much as you possibly can. This might mean that you sit and cry. It might also mean that you rage and yell around.

Try to create regular time alone for yourself so that you have the opportunity to just be with whatever feelings come up.

If you feel as if you want to or will physically hurt yourself or another person, seek help from a professional immediately.

What you’ll probably find is that, at least some of the time, your feelings are not as intense or painful as they are at other times.

During these easier times, fully acknowledge that you feel slightly better– perhaps even marginally okay.

Tune in to what you need in each present moment as well.

Are you craving a hug from a close friend or family member? Do you most want to go see a comedy movie and laugh right now?

Be willing to be flexible and listen in to what you want and need.

Re-direct your attention instead of trying to distract yourself.

When you are allowing your feelings and staying tuned in to you, you’ll probably find it easier to focus in on things that aren’t related to the breakup.

This is NOT distraction, by the way.

There is a big differences between distraction and re-direction.

First of all, re-direction is a conscious choice that you make to shift your attention in another direction. Distraction might also be a deliberate choice, but it is done as an attempt to escape or avoid the pain.

With re-direction, you acknowledge ALL of your feelings. You give yourself permission to cry and also to laugh or smile.

You take the time to be with your anger and your emotional pain and then you encourage yourself to open up to a wider experience of your present life.

This might involve some of the same activities that we listed above as distractions– classes, hobbies, volunteer work, and so on. Again, what is different with re-direction is that these activities are focused upon as you ALSO allow your feelings and the pain when it comes up.

When you re-direct your attention in this way, you’ll most likely find that the painful moments become less intense or less frequent. You will then be better able to focus more of the time on creating the future that you want for yourself.