Have you ever been in the upsetting and jealousy-triggering place of feeling like your partner has pulled away from you?
When your partner seems distant or distracted, it can seem like a huge rejection. Your jealous mind turns whatever your partner is (or isn’t) saying or doing into a sign that something is wrong.
Trisha looked forward to spending the evening with her boyfriend. The two of them had each been busy lately. She’s been engrossed in a project at work and her boyfriend has been away helping his parents move into a smaller house that they can more easily take care of.
After a couple of weeks apart when they only exchanged quick texts, Trisha couldn’t wait to spend some quality time with her love.
From the moment her boyfriend walked through her apartment door, Trisha was worried. He seemed glad to see her, but he didn’t say much. He only picked at the homemade dinner she made and answered her questions with one-word responses.
As the evening went on, Trisha became increasingly upset and angry. She couldn’t understand why her boyfriend was so withdrawn. Her mind raced. She wondered if her boyfriend had re-connected with an old love from his past while he was back in his hometown.
The more Trisha wondered about this, the worse she felt.
When your partner seems to pull away, your jealous mind can kick into over-drive. Like Trisha, you might have a few theories and suspicions about why he or she seems to be distant and these can be upsetting!
To your jealous mind, your partner’s pulling away means that your partner…
- is bored with your relationship.
- doesn’t find you attractive anymore.
- wants to see other people.
- is having an affair.
- has a bad secret.
- is going to leave you.
When faced with your partner’s behavior that appears to be shutting down or giving you the cold shoulder, your jealousy surfaces and takes over. Your thoughts list off the reasons why he or she is acting this way.
Usually, these theories aren’t pleasing to you or good for your relationship.
As these jealousy-induced thoughts run through your mind, you’re likely to also pull away. You may sulk, brood or withdraw into sadness. Or, you might lash out at your partner with hostile accusations or allegations about why you think he or she is distant.
Interrupt your jealous worries.
What is most important for you to remember at a time like this is that you are operating on theory, not fact.
The most important thing you can do for yourself (and your relationship) is to interrupt your jealousy before it takes over. If you can’t interrupt it early on, interrupt it when you notice it.
Recognize jealousy when it arises and stop it before it builds.
One way to interrupt jealousy is to literally interrupt it.
- Get up from your chair and walk around.
- Step outside into the fresh air.
- Move your body by jumping up and down, dancing around or doing simple stretches.
- Laugh out loud (even if you don’t feel like laughing).
- Sing loudly.
- Yell and shout (not at another person).
- Inhale slowly and deeply and exhale with a strong, blowing breath (as if you’re blowing out a candle).
- Speak out loud a phrase or quote that is soothing to you.
The point here is for you to break the momentum of your jealousy.
Please remember, this isn’t about pretending that you’re not jealous or avoiding your worries. This is about you breaking in on your jealous thoughts before they become out of control and lead you to say or do things you’ll later regret.
Choose an action that will truly help.
After interrupting your jealousy, take some (more) slow and deep breaths. Get clear by reviewing the facts that you know. Try to move past your theories about your partner’s behavior and focus in on the facts.
Next, choose what you will do that will benefit you and your relationship.
You might tell your partner that you’re going to take a few minutes (or more) to be by yourself so that you can shift your mood. You could ask him or her for a hug or a kiss or to do some specific thing with you that helps you feel closer.
You can also communicate and ask your partner to tell you how he or she is feeling. Don’t say, “I want to know why you are pulling away from me!” Instead, say something like, “I feel distant from you right now and I’d like to be closer. Will you please hold me in your arms?”
If you are aware that your partner is under stress and strain, not feeling well or is otherwise preoccupied, remind yourself of these facts and ask your partner if he or she needs support from you. Giving support when it is needed and in the way it is needed is another way to connect.
The best part is this…
When you make a clear and conscious decision about what you will do instead of allowing your jealousy to dictate your words and actions, your jealousy more easily subsides.
This leaves you freer to really be there for and move closer to your partner.
Need help handling your jealous worries and fears? Our No More Jealousy program is a step-by-step guide to help you move from being controlled by jealousy to being free and more able to connect with the one you love and to live a happier life. Visit http://www.nomorejealousy.com to get this breakthrough program today!