Marriage Advice for Dealing with the Loss of Attraction for Your Spouse

Marriage Advice for Dealing with the Loss of Attraction for Your Spouse

What if the physical attraction in your marriage used to be there–but now it’s gone?

You love him (or her) but you can’t help but wonder just where did the physical attraction go.It used to be there but now you find you’re just pretending or worse yet, you’re numb and maybe don’t care.

But the fact is–if you’re really honest with yourself, you do care and you want that attraction back!

What do you do to get that romance, intimacy and physical attraction back?

***QUESTION FROM A READER:

“I used to be incredibly attracted to my husband! Of course we all age and he is doing so much faster than I am although we are only 18 months apart. Currently, he is 47 and I am 46. I love him, he is such a great guy, but I feel so discouraged with my lack of physical attraction to him. How can I get that back?”

>>>OUR COMMENTS:

Losing attraction for your partner can certainly be the so-called elephant in the living room…

You’re afraid to talk about it because you don’t want to hurt his feelings but you know that he knows and senses how you feel–and he’s hurt anyway.

You love him but where did the attraction go that used to be so strong?

What changed?

He could have changed…

**more stressed out from work

**overweight and out of shape

**seemingly less interested in s*e*x and in you

**seems old and acts old

While all (or some of that) could be true, the real reason you aren’t physically attracted to him anymore is that something shifted in your mind.

It might surprise you to know but all the experts tell us that love, passion and desire is concocted in your mind.

It’s your thoughts and your stories about your husband that determine how attracted you are to him, especially if you were extremely attracted to him at one time.

Just think about it….

Have you ever thought one way about something and then because your thoughts changed about it–thought another way about it?

It might be something simple like this example about baseball from our relationship…

It used to really get on Susie’s nerves when Otto watched his favorite baseball team–the Cincinnati Reds–on television.

This is because when he did this, it took her back to when she was a young girl and her father “monopolized” the family’s only tv set to watch the Cincinnati Reds baseball games.

It wasn’t until her desire to be with Otto trumped her annoyance that she began to watch the games with him.

Not only did she start watching the games with Otto but over time, she went from being repulsed by the idea to actually growing to enjoy them as she learned more about the game.

To her surprise, now, she’s actually interested in finding out how Otto’s favorite team (and now hers) is doing–which she absolutely thought would never happen.

So what did happen?

She’s telling herself a different story about the Reds now.

And that’s how you start to get your attraction back–you tell yourself a different story than the one you’re telling yourself now.

Do you lie to yourself?

No–but you do start looking for ways that he is attractive to you–even if they are small ways.

It might be his smile or it might be the curve of his face–or another part of his body.

It might be the way he reacts to your children or to your animals.

Find some ways to look at him a little differently.

Here’s something else that might be going on…

Polarity between the two of you could be gone.

Polarity is the delicious clash of masculine and feminine energies that when they come together, they almost combust.

After years of being together, friendship may be the primary bond that holds the two of you together–above everything else.

While we love it that you love him and that he’s a great guy, there’s no juice in that.

You want to get the juice flowing again, don’t you?

It may sound obvious, but we suggest you try some things to spice up your romance.

We have many suggestions in our Red Hot
Love Relationships book– http://www.RedHotLoveRelationships.com  that we think you’ll find helpful in bringing back the spark and attraction.

Something we go into detail about in our Red Hot Love Relationships  book is something we do almost all of the time to keep romance in our relationship strong and growing and that is…

We “flirt” with each other a lot.

We know we’re breaking the “rules” for two people who work together but we don’t care.

Flirting is one of those things that keeps the flame burning hot between the two of us.

Everybody has their own way of flirting and if you’re like most couples that had a certain spark and attraction in the beginning, we’re sure that flirting is something you did.

Maybe you flirted with each other a little bit or maybe a lot but chances are you did it.

The thing is you just have to remember how you did it when your attraction was strong and start there…

We’re sure that if you put your mind to it, you’ll remember.

And when you remember, start doing it again, even though you may feel a little awkward at first.

Figure out what your level of commitment is to finding that spark between the two of you again.

And then talk to your husband about how you’d like to amp up the romance between you–without making him wrong.

What man would take offense if his partner came to him in an open way–ready and willing to explore ways to get closer?

Not many, we’re guessing.

Of course, you have to make the choice if this is what you want–and then start doing the things that will rekindle your passion for each other.

We realize that when it comes to attraction, sometimes it’s either there or it isn’t there– and no amount of energy can change that.

But if it was there before, you have a far better chance of uncovering it again if you learn how to open yourself to the possibility that it just might still be there.

Like a lot of things in relationships–the tendencies are to look outside yourself for the answers–but rekindling the attraction oddly enough starts with you.

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Comments

  1. After delivery my wife has gained extra 5 kg weight and her face is also not so gracefu after deliveryl. Before delivery i was very attracted towards her.i like her very much and respects her a lot, but i dont feel attracted towards her after her delivery.
    please help, what should i do so that i feel attracted towards her.

    • mandeep: Thank you for your post and question. Everyone’s body goes through changes over time. This is especially true when it comes to women’s bodies after they give birth to a baby. You can rekindle your attraction for her by 1) really appreciate her for who she is and what she does for you and your growing family 2) Build on these loving feelings by noticing things about her physically that you do find attractive 3) Make these things about her that you DO find attractive and that you appreciate bring back your attraction for her.

      You might find this free article helpful: http://www.lightherup.com/if-your-woman-no-longer-turns-you-on-448/

      Best Wishes,
      Susie and Otto

  2. Thank you for posting this article! Normally people don’t have any hope on getting the attraction back so they just give up. That being said, maybe you will have kinder spirits and offer something useful after chewing me out for being a cheater and having you not blame my husband because he hasn’t left me yet. There was great chemistry when we got together, absolutely. Yes, over the years we have both changed but I am the one who lost the attraction, not my husband. He still looks a me the same way he did when we met but, it’s just like what you wrote. It was there then it was just gone. I am not over stating things but according to my grandmother out of every man the women in my family have gotten involved with, my husband really is the best of them all. In every aspect of our relationship we are solid and good to go but, since I have lost my attraction to him I have cheated on him multiple times and neither one of us are any better for it. This last time I cheated, in so many words, I told him he was ugly. It’s not true and that will be one of my biggest regrets I will take with me to my grave. He has done nothing to deserve everything I have put him through and I am seeking professional help for my problems but in the mean time if you can offer ANY help of any kind it would be so appreciated. I am going to work on my attraction towards my husband but, how do I help my husband FEEL attractive again? Thank you.

    • Kari: While we don’t “chew people out” who cheat– including you– we will certainly offer you some advice. First of all, we encourage you to take responsibility for your choices– including the choice to cheat but other choices too. Getting help from a professional counselor, coach or therapist is one way to start taking responsibility and getting clearer about what is best for you.

      Know that it is always a choice whether to stay in or leave your marriage. Perhaps that is an initial choice for you to make. If you do decide to stay and turn things around with him, then get curious about what is blocking your attraction to him. Is it long-held resentments? Is beliefs about yourself or him? It is helpful to intentionally look for things about your husband (physically and otherwise) that you appreciate and feel attracted to and then re-focus on those aspects of him. But, from what you write, we’re guessing that there is more going on for you than just not being physically attracted to him. Figure out your blocks and then address those.

      Ultimately, you’ll also need to start rebuilding trust with him to start to move closer again. This means stopping the cheating and maybe even admitting it to him.

      These articles can help:
      http://www.relationshipgold.com/stayorgo/lacklustermarriage.htm#
      http://www.relationshiptrust.com/Affairs/youraffair.htm#

      Best Wishes,
      Susie and Otto

  3. I just Found this Article and Can say that those are awesome ways to find your attraction again. My story is a bit different. I started seeing my boyfriend 3 years ago. at first we were just friends and i actually tried to set him up on dates. we were the best of friends and had so much fun together and I felt completely myself with him. but as we hung out, his attraction for me grew and mine kind of just stayed the same more on a “friend level”. But i decided to give a relationship a shot. We have been intimate with each other and have lived with each other for two years now. Again I was never really physically attracted to him in the beginning, and thought maybe the emotional attraction would be there as time went on. There is o passion or attraction for me towards him. Hes great in a lot of other ways and i know he in love with me and contemplate whether I really need to have that attraction for him to keep this relationship going. And as bad as this sounds, the thought of being intimate with him makes my skin Crawl. To me this does not seem normal.
    Thanks for your help,
    Hopelessly lost

    • Marissa,
      Thanks for posting your question. This is a tough situation. It sounds like you have a deep connection with this guy and you like him on many levels– just not on a sexually intimate level. You can certainly stay in the relationship even though you aren’t sexually attracted to him, but this might end up being emotionally painful for both of you in the long run. Will either of you be satisfied if you’re in a love relationship but there’s no passion or attraction on your end?

      You use strong words “the thought of being intimate with him makes my skin crawl” and this tells us that you probably won’t be happy if you try to force yourself to be closer and more intimate with him than you are now. Get curious about what this aversion is all about. Is this specifically about your partner or is it about sexual intimacy in general? The more you can understand about how you feel, the easier it will be for you to make a decision about whether or not to stay in the relationship.

      Best Wishes,
      Susie and Otto

  4. Silly.kitty33 says:

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years. Over these years I gained 30-40 pounds. For several years he had been bugging me about my weight and was always pushing me to eat healthy and exercise regularly (he is a bit of a health nut). I tried but was always stressed about my weight that it wouldn’t come off. Now 6 years later, I got pregnant (unplanned) and I am in my early pregnancy so there are no body changes yet but we live together as roommates rather than a couple. He claims that he is no longer attracted to me because of my weight and wanted to call it quits. When I asked him “what would you do if I lost that weight tomorrow” he said “it has been so long that I am not sure if the attraction will come back” What do I do with an answer like that ? Is there any hope ?

    • RelGold says:

      Silly.kitty33: The very first thing we suggest to you is that your partner’s pulling away from you is not completely about your weight gain. In a healthy relationship, physical appearance/body size certainly matters, but it’s not everything. It’s likely that if you were to magically lose those extra pounds tomorrow, there would still be disconnection and distance between the two of you for a lot of different reasons.

      This doesn’t mean that there’s no hope, it just means that it’s not helpful for you to place sole “blame” on your weight gain for this negative change in your relationship. First of all, please do take care of yourself. If you are pregnant, you especially need to take loving care of your body and your emotions. Make sure you have support as you go through this pregnancy– regardless of what happens between you and your partner.

      Start working on your self esteem and body image. You are right that being stressed out won’t help a person lose weight or get healthier. When you address the reasons why you’re stressed out (which might go beyond the comments your partner has made over the years), then it’s not as difficult to live a more active and healthier lifestyle *naturally* and extra pounds more easily come off. Because you are pregnant, this might not mean weight loss right now, but it will for sure help you have a healthier pregnancy and feel better too.

      You might also see a shift in your relationship with your partner as you work on your self esteem and direct more loving attention toward yourself. You can see the habits that have taken you two apart and start doing some things differently– including maybe setting some boundaries and asking him to stop bugging you about your weight! There’s no guarantee that he’ll return to being your boyfriend. The most important thing is for you to be authentic and caring toward yourself.

      Here are 2 free articles with advice to help:
      http://www.relationshipgold.com/communication/honesty2.htm# (to communicate what it true for you)
      http://www.relationshipgold.com/stayorgo/5questions.htm

      Best Wishes,
      Susie and Otto

  5. Hi. I have been with my long distance girlfriend for just over a year, and she is incredible. We share the same hobbies, values, religion, everything. We have the same ideas on how to raise children, on morality, politics, and everything else that is very important to me. We make frequent flights to see each other. She’s an extremely sweet and empathetic woman, and tries so hard to please me. The problem is she’s not my general type and I’m not all that attracted to her. She’s definitely not ugly and she gets hit on by people, but there are features that she posses that I’m not very happy about. I just proposed to her about a month ago, because I felt like if I broke it off I was just being shallow. I keep thinking to myself whether I made the right decision and I should break this off. I figured I would grow in attraction, but I haven’t really physically, although I definitely have emotionally. She’s all excited and completely in love, and I feel myself being a bit disinterested. Like if she stubs her toe or something I don’t really feel compassion and I feel that is completely wrong. I’m afraid, especially by reading many people’s comments online, that I will never be happy with this engagement and I’d always be looking for more. What should I do?

    • RelGold says:

      John: Now is the time to be honest with yourself. What you might do is this experiment: For a month (or whatever time works for you), make it your intention to look for the things about your fiance that you DO find attractive. If you’ve convinced yourself that she’s “not your type” this might take some practice. Keep at it for awhile and once you find something you find cute, pretty, sexy or otherwise appealing about her, then focus more on that aspect and continue to look for more of what you find attractive.

      Let’s face it– every single one of us has aspects that are more attractive than others (physically and in terms of personality too). In a healthy relationship, you acknowledge the less attractive parts and make your main focus the things that you do like. If at the end of this experiment, you still can’t find anything attractive about your partner, then maybe you need to ask yourself if you can be completely happy in this relationship/marriage. If not, then maybe it would be best for you to break your engagement. But first, try this experiment, because you might be surprised by what you find when you look at your partner with “new eyes.”

      This free article might also help: http://www.lightherup.com/in-love-not-turned-on-48/

      Best Wishes,
      Susie and Otto

  6. Jessica Glass says:

    I just got my heart broken. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 9 years. We have a two and a half year old daughter. For the past several years our sex life has been dwelling. I asked over and over again if it was me. I gained some weight with my child and have had low self esteem and self confidence. He would say over and over that its not me that he just had no desire. Tonight I asked him how long I was supposed to be unhappy because I had desires that I have put on hold to help him. Of course it caused an argument and when I asked how he really felt about me he told me he was loved me but was no longer attractive to me since the birth of my child and the weight gain My question is do I try to lose the weight for him, or do I leave and hope that one day I will find someone that’s attractive to me for being me? I can lose the weight but I gave birth I can’t take that back. The part that I can’t accept is that he has felt like this for two and half years and lied to me.

    • Jessica Glass says:

      How long do I put my happiness on hold for him to figure out what he wants.

    • RelGold says:

      Jessica: Thank you for your post. Based on the studying and coaching we’ve done over the years, our educated guess is that this is about more than just you gaining weight and having a child– his decline in desire probably goes deeper than this. So you could lose the extra weight you gained, but it might not change things for him or in your relationship. In other words, if you choose to lose weight, do it for YOU– not for him.

      What you can do is to look at the ways you hide how attractive and desirable you already are (yes, even with the weight gain). You mention that you have confidence and self esteem issues and these also probably go deeper than how much you weigh or where your body is bigger than you think it should be. Look at the beliefs you hold about yourself and the possible emotional wounds you carry from past experiences that may be keeping you feeling inferior or lacking in some way. Take regular time to change negative belief, heal the past and build healthy self esteem. What will happen when you do is extra weight comes off more easily (and without much struggle) AND you will start acting differently in your relationship. Your confidence will help you make a decision about whether or not you are satisfied with your partner and whether or not it’s in your best interests to stay in the relationship.

      You can’t “make” him desire you again. You can forgive him for lying to you (which might have been an effort to protect your feelings) and you can treat yourself with more kindness, love and respect. This will have outward effects that may reawaken his desire. The most important thing is for you to do this for YOU.

      Best Wishes,
      Susie and Otto

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