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Dating
Tips & Advice
"Fear of Intimacy" by Susie
and Otto Collins
Daphne was everybody's friend. She was the life of any party and
when someone needed help, she was always there. She helped organize events at
work which were over and above her normal duties. She even helped take care of
her ailing father when her siblings wouldn't or couldn't help. She kept busy
all of the time.
Everyone agreed that she was a great person and yet Daphne had
an empty feeling inside herself and secretly wondered if there was something
more to life. Although she couldn't quite put her finger on it, she felt like
something was missing.
Although no one could have guessed, at the bottom of Daphne's
"empty" feelings was a fear of intimacy. While we are in no way saying that
there is a problem with being of service to others, we are saying that
"busyness" is one way people sabotage connections with others.
This is not only true of
intimate relationships but also with co-workers, family members, and friends.
There also can be a fear of intimacy with yourself.
Besides "busyness," here are
some other ways that the fear of intimacy might show itself:
--pointing an accusatory finger
outward, judging the other person instead of looking within
--displaying anger or hostility
to keep people away
--cutting, sarcastic remarks that are supposedly meant to be
humorous or "kidding"
--being sexual while closing down to a true connection and
intimacy
--adopting a superior attitude
The list could go on and on but
we think you probably have the idea...
What we have discovered is
however the outward behavior shows itself, there is a survival need that's not
being met.
We
have found that when we are strong within ourselves, our survival needs are not
in question and we are open to a deep connection with others.
We are certainly aware that fear
of intimacy can also be a "red flag" telling you that this relationship isn't
right for you.
So how do you know when to move past the fear and open yourself
further into the relationship--or when to use your fear as a signal that being
intimate in this relationship is not very wise?
We suggest that you open to love
no matter what. To us, this means loving the person while maintaining
boundaries that are healthy for you. It doesn't necessarily mean agreeing with
the other person but it does mean honoring them and holding them in compassion.
It doesn't mean
being in the type of relationship that the other person wants. True intimacy is
opening to love in every moment.
With that being said, here are 5
ways to help you to move past your fears and open more to intimacy with the
people in your life...
1. Don't confuse busyness with connection. If you are like
Daphne and feel like there's something missing in your life, start looking at
all the things that keep you busy. Start slowing down and taking time to
connect with people even with a smile or a kind word.
2. Don't confuse listening and
giving advice with listening from your heart. True intimacy begins with
listening with an open heart and not from your frame of reference. True
intimacy begins with understanding the other person's frame of reference.
3. Don't
confuse giving love and kindness with true intimacy. True intimacy comes from
giving love from deep inside. This might be something entirely different than
doing the things that you consider are being loving. True intimacy asks that
you learn to receive as well as to give.
4. Always take time to support
and nurture yourself. If you don't allow an intimate connection with yourself,
how can you expect to have one with another person? Take the time to be
introspective and love yourself. If that means getting a massage, do it.
Whatever supporting yourself means to you, do it.
5. Speak your truth in ways that
others can hear. Unfinished business and words left unsaid build up walls that
keep intimacy out. Although your truth may be difficult to say, talk to the
other person from a place of pure love.
Fear of intimacy can be the
result of many different things going on inside of you. What's so interesting
about "fear of intimacy" is that until you let go of the fear of getting hurt
(or the fear of whatever is keeping you from being more intimate) then, you'll
never have the kind of love, depth and connection that we know is possible.
Opening your
heart and letting go of your fears can be difficult. If your fears of intimacy
are keeping you from having the best possible relationship, we encourage you to
work through whatever is causing you to be fearful. More love and closer and
more connected relationships await when you do.
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Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins, authors of "Should You
Stay or Should You Go?" and "No More Jealousy" are experts at helping people
get more of the love they really want. Learn the 5 keys to a closer, more
loving relationship, click below for your free 5-part mini-course:
http://www.Relationshipgold.com
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