Here’s a question from a reader and our answer about dealing with this kind of problem…
“My love is commitment phobic and lives in a different city. How do I not play games in courtship and how do I encourage the other person to not play games also?”
Being in love with someone who you consider to be commitment phobic can be really frustrating to say the least.
You’re constantly guessing about what your partner’s actions and words mean or don’t mean. You never quite know where you stand and you certainly don’t feel very secure in the relationship.
There’s probably a part of you that’s waiting for the other shoe to drop and you don’t know how far to push or let your thoughts be known.
This all leads to game-playing!
We give you all kinds of kudos for not wanting to play games.
But the fact is that what’s a “game” to one person can mean something entirely different to another person.
Here are some ideas for you to stop the games even if you’re with someone who won’t commit…
1. Get clear about what you want in this relationship.
Now that doesn’t mean that you have to issue an ultimatum right now. But it does mean that you get clear inside you about where you want this relationship to go.
2. Be honest with yourself.
Has your partner ever shown you that he or she is interested in the kind of relationship that you want?
Stand back and look at your situation from an objective place. Even though you may love this person, he or she may not have the same level of love for you.
Actions speak louder than anything.
If you label your partner as “commitment phobic,” identify what that means to you and be specific. Write it down.
If you want these things to change, do you see any specific signs that he or she may move in that direction? Write down those signs.
So often when you’re in this kind of commitment limbo, your feelings get muddled and you simply are in reaction mode. By writing down specifics, you are helping yourself to clarify what’s going on.
3. Don’t be afraid to have loving boundaries
When you love someone who you consider to be commitment phobic, it can seem that you are always giving in and doing things that you know aren’t healthy for you.
It may be that you snoop or use other means to check up on your partner.
If you find that you are saying or doing things that you consider to be game-playing and you want to stop, decide how you want to be treated in this relationship and by this person.
Decide how you want to live your life.
Then, when something comes up that you get the feeling that games are being played either by you or by your partner–stop yourself and be honest with him or her.
Tell your partner that you don’t want to play games and that you want honesty.
Until you are willing to stand up lovingly for what you are and aren’t willing to stand for, this situation will probably continue as it has been.
You are worth more.
You are worth having the kind of relationship you want–which doesn’t include game-playing.