Relationship Advice for Creating Conscious Agreements

If you’ve been getting this newsletter for any length of time, bought one of our courses or worked with us through coaching, you know that we talk a lot about creating conscious agreements and their importance in creating
a relationship that’s as close and connected as possible.Recently, one of our readers wrote to us and asked this question…

“Can you give me an example of what a conscious agreement is? How would I go about making one?”

Conscious agreements are funny things. If you don’t make them, you can get caught up in some pretty big  misunderstandings, assumptions and disagreements.

If you do make them and keep them, the two of you can build trust in each other and in your relationship–and things can go a whole lot smoother in your life.

But both people have to agree without either of you feeling like you’ve “caved in” to the other.

Here’s a very simple example of an agreement…

Yesterday, Otto and his sister were coming back from being with their dad because he was having surgery. Otto’s sister told him that since he bought the gasoline and drove, she would buy their dinner last night. They made a conscious agreement.

We create these kinds of agreements all of the time, sometimes without even being aware that we’re making them–and we’re sure that you do too!

These kinds of agreements seem easy and effortless but others don’t.

When there is a sticking point between you and another person–a topic that triggers both of you, making agreements doesn’t seem to come so easily.

The reason why you create conscious agreements about these issues is so you’ll keep your connection or get it back quickly when they arise again.

When you create conscious agreements in your relationship, you’ll also have a much better chance at getting your expectations, wants, needs and desires met.

Here’s an example of what we mean…

When we first moved into our new home, Susie’s cousins (who are the proclaimed “decorators” in the family) came in from out of town to help us decorate one weekend.

As we drove from store to store, buying items for our home, Susie became more and more agitated. Much to our embarrassment, the two of us became angry and irritated with each other and we didn’t know why.

We hadn’t realized that the source of our irritation was that we hadn’t consciously decided how much we were going to spend during this “decorator” weekend nor how we were going to pay for what we were buying.

Talk about going to sleep!

So when we realized what we had done, we decided to stop spending until we could sit down and figure it all out.

We also agreed that we would make conscious decisions ahead of time before repairs or improvements were made to the house. And we created a “home improvement” fund that we both contribute to.

Now this may not be your issue but we’re sure that your life could run a whole lot smoother if you made conscious agreements with someone about something that is a source of contention.

So how do you do that?

Here are some ideas…

1. Recognize that you need an agreement and that it would be helpful for your relationship to have one.

2. Ask for ideas from the other person and listen from the standpoint that it’s only information. Don’t close down because the person may have different thoughts than you have.

3. Give your ideas with the intention that these are just your ideas and something better may surface as the two of you talk.

4. Look for where you agree and start there if you can’t seem to get on the same page about everything.

5. It’s helpful to have a time frame identified if it’s something that is time-sensitive.

6. Make sure that you both want to do what you are agreeing to and that your agreement is clear.

Make sure that you say something like this… “Okay, here’s what we’re agreeing to… Is this your understanding?”

The two of us have discovered that making clear, conscious agreements with the people in our lives and with each other creates more love and connection. We’re sure that they can in your life too.
For more information on communicating to connect and creating agreements, visit


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