Sometimes it’s a one-time challenge and other times you’ve been in a pattern of non-communicating or mis-communicating and you just don’t know how to get out of it.
When this happens (or if this is happening now)…
What do you do?
How do you shift the communication?
How do you get unstuck?
Very often- some new communication and connection skills can make all the difference.
If you’d like to learn some of our best communication and connection skills, strategies and insights for singles and
couples–then go here Susie and Otto Collins’ Relationship Resources
***QUESTION FROM A READER:
“How do you create loving and open connection and communication everyday, when both partners love each other very much but don’t know how to go about it and are fearful to communicate and be loving?”
Here are a couple of things we know about creating loving and open communication and connection…
**It doesn’t happen in one fell-swoop or overnight
**It requires that at least one of you makes the decision to move past fear and break out of old patterns
With that being said, here are a few tips from our “Stop Talking On Eggshells” course that might help you move toward the connection and communication that you want…
1. Identify your complaints and what you want to be different.
Write down what your specific complaints are about your situation and how you’d like it to be. Until you’re clear about where you are and where you’d like to be going, you’re not going to be able to get there.
It’s like telling your GPS that you’d like to go “somewhere” without having a specific destination in mind if you don’t get specific.
What is it that separates you and tears you further apart?
Be specific about the thoughts, actions, and words, not only from your partner but also that you say and do. It’s human nature to look outward toward someone else as being THE fault but we challenge you to also look at how you may have contributed.
Then ask what does being “loving” mean to you?
What does it mean to your partner?
Does it mean being kind to each other even when it’s difficult?
Does it mean more physical touch?
Ask yourself the same question about communication and be specific how you’d like to be able to communicate and be heard.
2. Recognize how you and your partner shut down to one another and then learn how to open.
You mention the “f” word–fear.
It’s been said that fear is just “false evidence appearing real.”
Write down all of your fears that are keeping the two of you separated and put a checkmark beside the ones that you know to be absolutely true and happening at this moment.
Chances are you don’t have very many checkmarks because if you’re like most people, when you’re fearful, you’re either reliving the past or worrying about a future that hasn’t happened.
You’re not living in this present moment and what’s happening right now.
So figure out what thoughts are shutting you down from each other and whether there is any truth to them or not.
Even if there’s some truth to your fears, you don’t have to let them keep you from communicating in a loving way with each other.
But you first have to learn how to open your hearts to each other, even when it’s difficult.
Opening your heart means feeling inside you and knowing that you love this person.
Opening your heart means that you are choosing to go toward what you want instead of away from what you want.
Opening your heart means stopping your habitual reactions, breathing and pulling your focus away from your mind chatter to your heart area.
Opening your heart doesn’t mean that you have no boundaries but it does mean that you want to understand.
Opening your heart is probably the most important shift you’ll need to make to create open connection and communication.
And it only takes one person to open and to stop the pattern that the two of you normally follow.
3. Make a commitment to changing and make agreements that support your commitment.
Talk together and see if you both are willing to make the commitment to changing some things about how you are with each other.
If you can make a commitment and some agreements, that’s great.
You might make the agreement to sit and be together doing something that you used to enjoy.
You might make the agreement to be kinder to each other, spelling out exactly what that means.
If you can’t get a commitment or agreements from your partner, go ahead and make them yourself.
Even one person changing can change the dynamic in a relationship.
Will that relationship be everything the person wants if he or she is the only one actively changing?
Maybe or maybe not…
In any case, you have nothing to lose unless you want to stay stuck in your relationship as you are.
A loving connection and communication is created one moment at a time–and that’s no lie!