Relationship Advice for Deeper Spark and Connection

Here’s something else we’ve discovered about creating a greater connection in your relationship and life that we want to share with you…

One of the ways to create and keep spark is allowing yourself–as well as the other person–to be real, honest, and vulnerable.This may sound like a no-brainer but it seems that for many of us, it’s easier said than done.The truth is that having the courage to be vulnerable and accepting your partner when he or she is vulnerable can open you both to a closer relationship.

This past weekend, we saw a great example of how vulnerability opened the door to greater connection and aliveness.

What happened was that we were attending a seminar and one of the presenters, who wasn’t used to giving  presentations in front of three or four hundred people, did something very brave.

While demonstrating “radical honesty” which is based on Brad Blanton’s book Radical Honesty, this speaker tuned into herself and revealed that she was feeling fearful, and even allowed herself to cry.

Did that disconnect her from the audience?

Did the people watching her presentation think badly of her?

No way.

What actually happened was that by acknowledging she was feeling vulnerable, she created a deeper connection with the audience than if she had simply told us about the radical honesty theory.

Do we recommend that you cry on stage or tell every hidden thought of fear, sadness or whatever else you are feeling as you go through your daily life?

Of course not.

What we are suggesting is that if you want greater spark in your life, you begin to look at how you can share yourself more deeply with your beloved, your family and the other people in your life who are important to you.

Allow your loved ones to peer into the window of who you really are instead of holding them at arm’s length.

So what’s a real life example of this in action?

Mona liked for everyone to feel like she “had it all together” and nothing ever phased her.

She didn’t usually ask for help and didn’t allow even her husband to see when she felt afraid or upset.

Her husband wasn’t aware that she wanted more of his attention and that she missed not having it the way it used to be. She was scared they would lose their love for each other.

When she finally told him how she really felt, allowing herself to be vulnerable and to let her guard down, he was  surprised. As he listened to her, he felt a deeper connection with her than he had in a long time.

He had actually been feeling that something was missing in their relationship but didn’t know what it was until Mona opened up to him.

While vulnerability can certainly open two people to a deeper connection, there can be some stumbling blocks.

We sometimes pay lip service to wanting our partner to show vulnerability. In other words, we say that we want to be vulnerable and our partner to also show his or her feelings but when it actually happens, we do something to dismiss it or close down the connection.

The two of us ran into this problem this past weekend.

We were both tired from long days in the seminar and one evening, we ran into common pattern for us that certainly dampens our spark.

The pattern is that we both act in ways that neither of us feel understood by the other.

Can you relate at all?

As we thought about it later–when Otto shared what he was feeling in a vulnerable way, Susie reacted by dismissing his feelings because she hadn’t felt understood a little while earlier. She unconsciously “punished” him for not listening to her.

Now, this isn’t our normal way of reacting to expression of one another’s feelings but we were tired and not at our best.

The point is that we had to do what we know to do to reconnect–which is to come toward one another and admit what we had done to disconnect from each other.

Because our commitment to each other is is to stay open and keep our connection strong, alive and growing, we chose to open our hearts to each other again–even though it was difficult.

As you think about the idea of putting more spark in your relationship, marriage or life…

Our questions to you are these…

1. Who do you want to build spark and aliveness with?

2. What ways are you willing to be vulnerable with this person and to show who you truly are?

3. Do you unconsciously “punish” someone else when he or she is being vulnerable?

4. If you do, what can you do to open your heart to that person more of the time?

This week, choose to be vulnerable and show your loved one something that you may have been holding back.

Look for places in your relationship and live where you can foster more aliveness and spark.

For more ideas about how to get the spark back, visit


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