Then I started reading your newsletters. I carried a lot of personal baggage from my past and set unrealistic standards and expectations for my lovers hoping they would fail because I was afraid to fail. I was afraid they would hurt me and disappoint me, so I made sure I would be in control when they did.”In this situation, Jane has an incredible opportunity in front of her. She can continue as she has been, being fearful and attracting people who will disappoint her or she can learn from what she has discovered about her patterns from the past.
It’s been our experience that we attract the people into our lives who show us what we need to heal within ourselves, new possibilities for the future, and the contrast of what we want and don’t want in our lives. We take the rather contrarian view that there are no relationship mistakes or failures and only opportunities to heal, learn, grow and experience joy.
Even though “Jane” thought her relationships were failures, each one was actually another chance to become more emotionally aware of what was going on inside her, what she wanted for her life and to give her an opportunity to heal and create new ways to do it differently.
What we have found is that we keep attracting the same type of person, not just intimate partners, and experiences into our lives until we heal the past and “do it differently.”
Otto’s car is a black Buick Century with leather seats. He’s very hot natured and since we live in Ohio where the summers are very hot and humid, he suffers in his “hot” car.
He loved the way the car looked on the showroom floor, but his day-to- day experience has given him a powerful lesson of what he doesn’t want in a car.
As you can imagine, he’s made a clear intention through the power of contrast that his next car will not be black or have leather seats.
He had an opportunity to learn this lesson when he was 18 years old and drove a black Ford Pinto station wagon with no air-conditioning to Tampa, Florida at the beginning of August. He swore then as he sat in traffic with sweat dripping onto the steering wheel that he’d never have another black car.
Obviously, he hadn’t learned this lesson so he needed to bring another black car into his experience. The point is that Otto has finally learned from this valuable experience and will do it differently the next time, although he really likes a lot about his current car.
This story is an example of coming to an awareness of what you want and what you don’t want and of learning from past experiences that are not “failures” but are opportunities for expansion and growth.
Please don’t misunderstand us and think that we are recommending that because you don’t like something about your current partner or job that you “throw them away” and get another “model.”
What we are recommending is that you take the opportunity to become emotionally aware, like “Jane” did, as much of the time as possible.
Decide that you deserve to have a great relationship and a great life, whatever that means to you. We are inviting you to learn from the past and the power of contrast so that you can begin creating the life you want.
Here are some ideas to help you…
1. Whenever something is important to you, don’t stuff it down and pretend it doesn’t matter. Have the courage to share it with your partner.
2. Accept responsibility for your part in past relationships that haven’t worked out the way you wanted them to work out. Look for reoccurring patterns that will show you where you need to heal.
3. Know that there’s no such thing as failure in relationships, only experiences that you may not have enjoyed.
4. Embrace the idea that no matter what has happened in your relationships up until now, the future can be different. So in a sense, each person who comes into our lives is “the perfect partner” for us if we use these experiences that we have with them to heal, learn and grow.