We all know how damaging lying is in a relationship. It erodes trust and can tear a couple apart. What you may or may not also know is that lying to yourself is just as destructive.
When you lie to yourself, you build up stress, strain, tension and turmoil. You also base your decisions about what you say or do on inaccurate information. This can lead to one heartache after another in your relationship and your overall life.
Do you tell yourself any of these 7 dangerous lies?
#1: “I’m not good enough.”
Insecurity and low self esteem are at the root of so many personal and relationship problems; it’s too numerous to count. Jealousy is a biggie.
If you habitually tell yourself that you’re not good enough for the partner you have, the relationship you have (or want) or even the life that you desire, you’re not only selling yourself very short, you are undermining the good things you might already have going on.
Some people pretend that they feel confident when, deep down inside, they are highly self-critical and feel deficient. This can lead to bullying or aggressive behavior.
If you ever tell yourself the lie “I’m not good enough,” back it up and really explore your feelings. Challenge that belief and take those important first steps in building up your self esteem and confidence in healthy ways. The positive effects on your relationship and life will quickly show up when you do.
#2: “If I ignore this, it will go away.”
Nobody enjoys facing up to and dealing with a problem. The thing is, the more you try to ignore the troubling feelings you are having or the upsetting disagreement between you and your mate, the bigger the problem becomes.
It is rare for a problem to completely disappear.
We often advise people to focus on what’s going right in their relationship instead of always honing in on the difficulties. But, we do not recommend that you deny what’s coming between you and your partner.
Instead, get clear about how you are feeling, what you want and (as objectively as possible), what’s going on. Create agreements with your partner that will address the problem as you also do the internal work to shift to a more positive perspective of the issue.
#3: “My partner should still be the person I met and fell in love with.”
It happens all of the time.
One person looks at his or her partner and says… “I don’t know you anymore!”
People in relationship with one another change. This is not always a difficulty or even all that noticeable, but sometimes it is.
When it seems like a big deal, the partner’s change is perceived as somehow threatening or even scary. Fears might surface about being left behind or no longer being interesting or attractive because of the change.
Begin by acknowledging the fact that not only is your partner changing, so are you. This is natural and part of being a growing, expanding human being. Your next step is to remember to breathe and stop fearfully projecting into the future.
Instead, be in the here and now and be a source of support for one another as you both explore new aspects of yourselves.
#4: “I will be giving in if I agree to a compromise.”
When you and your partner are at an impasse and each of you is sure you are right and the other is wrong, this is the time this lie might take over.
A resolution that you both can feel okay about will not be possible if your belief is that compromise means “giving in” or somehow letting your mate “win.”
Try to move beyond “winning” and “losing” and think in terms of finding a solution that works for you both. That kind of solution is possible– you only have to make a shift and open up to it.
You can actually stay true to what is most important to you AND really listen to what your partner wants. From a place of mutual understanding, you two can start to generate options that may not have occurred to you before. Then, the best choice will be clear.
#5: “All relationships inevitably end in lying and cheating.”
You may have had a lot of personal experience that reinforces this lie. It could be that you’ve observed lying and cheating in not only your own past relationships, but also in those of your family and friends.
Regardless, this belief is a lie.
For every couple who breaks up after an affair or other betrayal, there are more couples who are honest with one another and who don’t cheat. Make it your intention to find examples of healthy, trusting relationships and make mental note.
It’s wise to stay aware of what’s going on in your relationship and to pay attention if there are reliable signs that you should be suspicious. But, don’t assume that the infidelity you’ve seen in your past or in the lives of others will necessarily be your present or your future.
#6: “I shouldn’t be too honest with my partner.”
We started out this article with the statement that, “We all know how damaging lying is….” But, do you? Do you admit it to yourself (and to your partner) when you rationalize a lie as a “white lie” or merely an “omission?”
These “little” lies can be just as a bad for relationship trust and they often tie in with a belief that it’s smart not to be too honest with the one you love.
Explore the reasons why you hold this belief. It could come from painful past experiences and, if so, take the time to heal and release the past.
It might also feel safer and more convenient to hold back on the truth with your partner. If so, carefully think through how you could tell your truth. This can make a positive difference in whether your mate stays open when hearing what you have to say instead of him or her blowing up or shutting down.
#7: “History will always repeat itself.”
We can’t emphasize enough the importance of staying present in your relationship and life. Too often, history repeats itself because it’s assumed to be the only way.
It is like an unending cycle of expectation and manifestation.
You spend a lot of time and energy expecting your partner to forget your anniversary because he “always” has and this is what manifests– it’s the experience you have. The one reinforces the other and you stay disappointed and hurt.
Does the expectation “cause” the manifestation? Maybe and maybe not.
What we know with 100% certainty is that a belief that “history will always repeat itself” closes you down to living in the present moment, connecting with your partner and creating a different and improved experience.