In this series, we’re looking at the “Relationship Blocks, Barriers and Blunders” to having the love, connection and relationships you really want.
If you missed the previous articles, you can find them here: http://www.RelationshipGold.com/freearticles/index.htm
As we thought about it, one of the biggest blocks to having the relationships that you want is this…
Whatever it is that’s going on in your relationship that’s causing challenges or making you feel distance, separation or even a lack of connection between you and your partner (or anyone in your life) may not always be what it seems and the way you think it is.
Here’s an example of what we mean and why this is important…
Recently, Susie went on a white water rafting trip with her daughter, son-in-law and two grandchildren, staying along the Youghoigheny River in Pennslyvania.
As they hiked the paths by the river, they saw several large signs warning about poisonous snakes so they were on the look out for any sign of a crawling creature.
As they walked around one of the waterfalls, they saw what they thought was a snake’s head sticking up from the rocks–ready to strike–and they all had a moment of fear until they realized it was only a stick.
But in that split second of recognizing the stick as a poisonous snake, there was real fear. The stick actually looked like a real snake!
So it is in our relationships.
Very often, we might see or hear something and make a snap judgment, being sure that it is one way–only to find later that we are wrong.
These snap judgments come from our previous experiences, our beliefs, our repetitive thoughts and even unfounded fears that we’ve created.
Just like the sign warning about poisonous snakes, our experiences, beliefs, repetitive thoughts and the cellular memory we hold in our bodies “warn” us about danger–whether it’s real or imagined.
To the person who has jealousy issues–you may get triggered and become upset, anxious or fearful when your partner runs out to the grocery store or to fill up the car with gas and doesn’t tell you “they’re leaving” and when they are coming back.
If you’re someone who has trouble speaking up and saying what you want or need, it might be possible that you get tricked occasionally into thinking you don’t have choice in certain situations when you really do.
The number of ways in which we can think (or believe) something is one way when it’s really quite different is staggering.
Take Robert and Polly for example…
They’ve been married for about 15 years and there’s a “pattern” that Polly just told us about that she noticed in their relationship…
This pattern isn’t something that is going to threaten her marriage but it can sure create some interesting challenges if she and her husband allow it to…
Here’s the example…
Ever now and then when Robert comes home from work, he’s distant and not very communicative.
At those times, Polly becomes fearful that he’s angry with her for some unknown reason and asks him–
“Is anything wrong? Are you angry with me?”
The truth is that when this happens, Robert is usually tired from work and just wants to be left alone for a little while–and he isn’t irritated with Polly until she questions him. Then he becomes irritated and he pulls away from her even more.
What can Polly do?
Here are some ideas to help you if you find that “It’s not always what it seems and the way you think it is”…
1. Recognize the pattern.
In Polly’s case, she can see that this is a pattern or part of their “relationship dance.” You have to recognize any pattern before you can change it.
2. Recognize your thought patterns and question them.
Polly can remember what she had been thinking at those times and learn to question her thoughts–because the truth is–she doesn’t really know why Robert appears to be distant. Guessing doesn’t bring you closer to the truth.
3. Come to an agreement about how you are going to handle future situations.
When they are not in the middle of it, Polly can ask Robert what he needs during those times and she can tell him what she needs. It might be that he takes 30 minutes by himself and then they have the agreement to be together in some
way later on in the evening.
It’s always interesting that sometimes we make up a story that some problem, challenge or upset is about us when this may not be the case at all.
Getting to the “truth” of a situation or a dynamic takes opening your heart to one another and some times that’s not easy but always worth doing.
Just remember–it’s not always as it seems!
Sometimes it CAN be something totally different.