Troubled Relationship? The Right Questions Make All the Difference

Troubled    Relationship? The Right Questions Make All the Difference

What do you do when you are having trouble in your relationship, you want it to be closer and more connected–and you just can’t seem to figure out what’s going on and what’s wrong?

One thing we know for sure is that one of the true keys to a great relationship is asking the “right” questions of yourself and others to create the love and relationships that you really want.We’ve suggested before to you that there’s  almost always an internal conversation that is going on inside of you ALL the time.

Part of this internal conversation are  questions that you are asking yourself and believe it or not, your answers to those questions are guiding your life.

Those answers signal your brain about how to respond, what to do, what decisions to make and how to move forward next.

Sometimes this is good and is helping you  create what you want and sometimes these answers move you away from what you really  want.

Often we’re not even aware of the challenges  our questions are creating for us in our lives.

Here’s the kind of question that we receive that explains what we mean…

“My husband and I just can’t seem to communicate at times and we fight all of the time. I have tried everything but it seems that I am always giving in after a fight. My question to you is, why are relationships so easy to fall apart but hard to glue the pieces back together…why?”

First of all, we really appreciate this person for having the courage to take a look inside  herself and the relationship to try to heal  what’s going on. This isn’t always easy to do.

So what’s the question that she’s asking?
“Why are relationships so easy to fall apart but hard to glue pieces back together…why?

As we think about her question and her struggle to find the answer to what she thinks is her most pressing relationship question, we think that her question is fundamentally flawed if she wants to create a closer and more loving connection.

It’s flawed because even if she comes up with an answer to this question, it still isn’t going to solve her relationship issues.

She should be asking herself a more  empowering question that will actually help her create the love and relationship that she really wants with her husband.

An example of a more empowering  question might be this…

“What can I do on my part to help my husband and me stop bumping heads all the time and create a more understanding and loving space where the two of us can nurture and grow our love and relationship?”

Do you see the difference between the question this woman asked and our question?

Her question is full of exasperation and is keeping her stuck in a relationship situation that is painful for her. Our question might help her to come up with answers that might open a door for her and her husband to connect.

So, how do you apply this lesson in your relationships and life?

Here are a couple of suggestions:

1) Notice the internal conversation that is  going on within you.

2) Notice whether is it negative or positive in  nature.

3) Notice whether it is just an internal running dialog or if it is appearing in your head in the form of questions.

4) Whether it is appearing as a running  dialog or in the form of questions– question  and examine these thoughts.

Ask yourself are these thoughts serving me in positive or negative ways?

In other words, are they moving you toward  what you want or further from what you want for your relationships and life?

and finally…

5) If you’re finding when you check in with  yourself that your internal conversation is  negative simply change it.

Ask yourself a new set of questions that will take you to what you want instead of away from it.

By the way, this not only works in your  relationships but in all areas of your life.

Try this. We think it will help you make some shifts in your relationships and in other areas of your life that will really help you.

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  1. What do you call a relationship, when you don’t but do love them, I love my boyfriend (kyle) but he doesn’t treat me or my daughter right. he gets mad over stupid stuff and has bad anger problems.He hasn’t hit us yet or anything and said that he wont. He is also going around giving other girls ( my sisters) back massages(they don’t want it) and touching inappropriate, like touching there boobs and that isn’t OK,
    half of my family likes him and others don’t. they want me and keep telling me to dump him,I really don’t know what to do it ,but i need to do whats best for my daughter (Riley jean 2 years old) and I. I really want to be with him but its getting harder and harder, I feel like that I am in a trapped relationship, My dad don’t want me to break up with him because our daughter is young and that my dad believes that the mom and dad should be together to raise their kids. My parents just separated after being married for 26 years. they weren’t happy with there marriage. I don’t want my relationship be like my parents at all. But kyle works for my dad and just got a promotion.
    I tried talking to him but he wont listen to me. what should i do? please help…

    • Melissa,
      We encourage you to to fully consider this question: “Is it wise for me to stay in this relationship?” It’s fine to listen to the advice and opinions of your friends and family and it can be helpful to learn from what you observe about others’ relationships (including your parents), but it’s so important that you make a decision that is wisest for you.

      Please remember that staying in an unhappy and emotionally abusive relationship (which may or may not be the case for you) can be just as difficult for a child as it is when parents split up. Remind yourself that you can be a source of support and healthy example for your daughter not matter what you decide. The best thing is to try to take as objective a view of your situation as you can and make the decision about whether you will stay in or leave the relationship.

      If you do stay in the relationship, it is probably time to set some boundaries with him. Let your partner know that emotional abuse in the form of anger (even if it hasn’t been physical, like hitting), is NOT okay. You two could come up with agreements for how you will communication with and treat one another. If he needs to take a 5 or 10 min. break from a conversation to cool off, this can be something happens. Make sure you have a specific time when you will come back together again and re-visit the topic.

      If you feel like he is not listening to you, then pay attention to how you are talking with him. If there are communication habits that you have that might be nagging, critical or otherwise distancing, recognize them and try some new ways to communicate instead.

      Here are a few free resources that can help:

      Best Wishes,
      Susie and Otto

      • I always love your advice, however, you missed the part about him sexually molesting her sisters. She needs help. It sounds like she is in danger in more ways than one.

        • Rita: YES, you are exactly right. Inappropriate and unwanted touch is never okay and needs to be taken seriously. Thank you for making this very important point.

          Susie and Otto

  2. I dont know what to do i love my man but it feels like, Its not getting better its getting worsen buy the way im pregrant he say he love me but always finds a way to aruge with me always say im cheatin and im not.we got into a arugment recently because I asked him are ur going to help take care of our baby, if not we dont need to do this.He said fuck it go hed and kill the motherfucker he dont care long story short things got ulgy called the police they arrested me cause he lied one me then I twisted it so we both went to jail for some strange reason I still love him we only been together 6 month but been going through alot
    Alot of ups and downs what do I do and we broke up but I miss him

    • Lexi: It sounds like you have a lot going on in your life right now. You might love your partner and you might miss him very much, but keep returning to this question… “What is wise and in my best interests?” If there are unhealthy and abusive habits between the two of you– including the jealousy, accusations, verbal and possibly other abuse– then maybe this is a good time for you two to be apart. Temporarily or permanently. You can own your habits that may have contributed to the ugliness that happened and start to make changes to those habits. Learn healthier ways to communicate and also how to deal with your anger. Here is a free communications mini-course that might help:

      If you do try to get back together with your ex, be willing to set some boundaries and stick with those changes you are making to create a healthier you. If you plan to continue the pregnancy and have this child, re-focus your attention and energy to nurturing and caring for yourself. That needs to be the priority. You might also seek legal help to know what financial child support you may be entitled to. You might also find this free article about considering getting back together with your ex helpful:

      Best Wishes,
      Susie and Otto

  3. Hi,
    I am in a relationship with a man I think I am in love with but I can’t make him happy. He has a few ex’s and kids. I know his past and accept him. We argue over trivial things. He always acusses me of lieing to him, and acuses me of cheating. We have been together for a year and he doesn’t want anyone to know that we are dating. More spacifically he doesn’t want it getting back to his ex’s. In the past he was so sweet and treated me like a princess. But lately all I do is make him mad. In one of our past arguement he told me he wanted to hit me. He has never layed a hand on me. He won’t make plans with me and knows how crazy I am about him. Today I just come to the realization that no matter what I do I won’t be able to make him happy. He said he thought we were a family up until I told my family that we are dating. Lately all he does is make me cry, and he is cruel. I know what do I find so attractive? I am asking myself the same question. In my mind I end this relationship but I don’t have the courage to do it in real life. Is my relationship repairable, should I get out? What should I do?

    • carmandy: Thank you for posting. When trying to decide whether or not to stay in or leave a relationship the biggest question is this: “Is staying wise and in my best interests?” It sounds like you have a lot of reasons why it would be wise for you to leave the relationship. Among these are his telling you that he wants to hit you. It is a good thing that he has not done this yet, but it sounds like there might be abuse of other kinds and perhaps an escalation of tension too. This is a potentially dangerous mix.

      His secretiveness about your relationship along with his accusations that you lie and cheat are all warning signs that you need to take seriously. We can’t tell you definitively whether or not your relationship is repairable or even whether or not you should end the relationship.

      What we will urge you to do is to re-affirm to yourself the kind of relationship experience that you DO want. From what you wrote, it sounds like you are clear about some things that you do NOT want. Take that and acknowledge what it is you do want– know that you deserve to have the kind of relationship experience you want. If you aren’t getting any positive signs that your partner is willing to make changes in his behavior and work with you to create the kind of relationship you want, then maybe it is wise for you to leave the relationship.

      Again, the choice is yours to make.

      We have a free mini-course to help people who are making this important decision about whether to stay in or leave that you can get here:

      Best Wishes,
      Susie and Otto

  4. Recently my boyfriend of little over a year got into an argument…we have been arguing alot lately do to stress n him being laid of resulting in us being together all the time. After no signs..we get in an argument packs his stuff and moves out…he’s been texting me saying his life sucks and he hates his life…nut instead of coming back he don’t. I haven’t heard from him in almost 48 hours and I will not contact him. He needed time to forgive and forget he says so in giving it to him
    I miss him so much and we are still inlove even he admitted he was that’s why its so hard…I need answers. I have a 3 yr old that basicly was his kid as well…I truly believe he left out pf anger n regrets it but doesn’t wanna back down n come back to us right away. Idk I told him he had 2 weeks tops before I looked at it as we were all done. Please give me some insight on what I can do or think.

    • Jaime:
      Thank you for your comment. It sounds like both you and your boyfriend are going through a really rough time. From what you write, it is probable that the stress of him being laid off may be a big part of why you two argued more than usual. Before you try to contact him again, take a step back and ask yourself this question…

      “Is it wise for us to get back together again?”

      Try to answer this question as objectively as you can. Rely not only on how you feel and what you want, but also on how you regularly treat each other. There might be a lot of love but there could be reasons why its unwise for you to get back together again– or, it might be wise for you two to reunite.

      If he will talk with you and you decide that it is wise to get back together again, be honest with him about that. If he is willing to get back together again, consider creating agreements about how you each can communicate differently. Arguments will happen from time to time but it’s not healthy for a relationship if they happen a lot. This is especially not healthy for your young child to be around.

      Here are a couple of free resources that you might find helpful:

      Best Wishes,
      Susie and Otto

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