It could also seem that you two will never see eye to eye on this subject– or at all– and that your voice is being squashed down all of the time. These are all valid feelings.
But if your intention is to move beyond the wall that now seems to exist between you two, you probably want to look toward finding resolution and letting go of what happened.
As you rebuild trust and regain connection, you can also begin to take down that wall and move closer to your mate.
How do you do all of that? What are some ways to close that gap and reconnect with the one you love?
Here are some tips to try….
Tip # 1: Discover and ask for what you need.
Go within and ask yourself what questions you need answered, issues you need addressed, or actions you need to happen in order to feel a sense of resolution with whatever happened. This could vary in terms of “bigness” or “smallness,” but the effects can be just as powerful.
Perhaps your partner has been e-mailing with a former boyfriend or girlfriend and, when you found out about it, you blew up and your partner became defensive claiming that he or she is innocent and just wants to renew a friendship with this former mate.
While the dust has settled on the argument, the issue remains unresolved and you still feel suspicious and fearful. Ask yourself what you need to happen in order to move on?
This might be a promise that your partner will not e-mail with the former partner. It could be that you want your partner to share more information with you about this renewed friendship. Or, it could be you decide to trust what your love is saying. Whatever you decide, ask your partner to help you meet these needs as best as he or she can.
Tip #2: Listen to your partner’s needs.
Chances are quite high that your love may also be feeling the effects of the disconnection between the two of you. Just as he or she listened to what you need in order to let go of the argument or misunderstanding, give your partner that same gift.
Keep your heart open and, for the moment, just listen. You don’t have to make a snap decision about what action (if any) you will take. Listen and consider all possibilities.
It could be your partner has realized that there are unresolved issues with this former boyfriend or girlfriend.
Your love does not want or intend to get back together with this person, but would like a deeper sense of closure about some aspect of that past relationship. As threatening as the e-mailing may feel to you, this could end up allowing your partner to be more fully present and open with you.
Tip #3: Stay present and future-focused.
Avoid revisiting the particulars of the argument or misunderstanding unless you absolutely have to. Playing “you said, I said” will probably reignite the tension and solidify that wall between you two. Instead, address those needs you shared with one another as best you can– for yourself and for your partner.
Share with your partner what your vision of your future relationship looks like. You might see a relationship where you better support one another emotionally, trust one another more completely, listen to one another with more openness and feel more deeply connected.
Your vision could be as general or as specific as you’d like it to be. Listen to the vision your love has and look for ways those visions overlap. Celebrate this vision and keep it in your focus as you take steps toward it and away from the past.
Tip #4: Choose “Magic Words” when you talk with your partner about your views and needs
Believe it or not, there are words that can push your partner away and there are words and phrases that can work like magic to bring him or her closer–even in the middle of an argument. To learn some of these “magic” words and phrases that stop fights, watch this video.