You may be feeling hurt and even mistrustful in the aftermath of whatever happened between you and your partner.
You might wonder if he or she will ever really understand your “side” of a situation. It could feel like you don’t really know your mate as well as you thought you did.
It could also seem that you two will never see eye to eye on this subject– or at all– and that your voice is being squashed down all of the time. These are all valid feelings.
But if your intention is to move beyond the wall that now seems to exist between you two, you probably want to look toward finding resolution and letting go of what happened.
As you rebuild trust and regain connection, you can also begin to take down that wall and move closer to your mate.
How do you do all of that? What are some ways to close that gap and reconnect with the one you love?
Here are some tips to try….
Tip # 1: Discover and ask for what you need.
Go within and ask yourself what questions you need answered, issues you need addressed, or actions you need to happen in order to feel a sense of resolution with whatever happened. This could vary in terms of “bigness” or “smallness,” but the effects can be just as powerful.
Perhaps your partner has been e-mailing with a former boyfriend or girlfriend and, when you found out about it, you blew up and your partner became defensive claiming that he or she is innocent and just wants to renew a friendship with this former mate.
While the dust has settled on the argument, the issue remains unresolved and you still feel suspicious and fearful. Ask yourself what you need to happen in order to move on?
This might be a promise that your partner will not e-mail with the former partner. It could be that you want your partner to share more information with you about this renewed friendship. Or, it could be you decide to trust what your love is saying. Whatever you decide, ask your partner to help you meet these needs as best as he or she can.
Tip #2: Listen to your partner’s needs.
Chances are quite high that your love may also be feeling the effects of the disconnection between the two of you. Just as he or she listened to what you need in order to let go of the argument or misunderstanding, give your partner that same gift.
Keep your heart open and, for the moment, just listen. You don’t have to make a snap decision about what action (if any) you will take. Listen and consider all possibilities.
It could be your partner has realized that there are unresolved issues with this former boyfriend or girlfriend.
Your love does not want or intend to get back together with this person, but would like a deeper sense of closure about some aspect of that past relationship. As threatening as the e-mailing may feel to you, this could end up allowing your partner to be more fully present and open with you.
Tip #3: Stay present and future-focused.
Avoid revisiting the particulars of the argument or misunderstanding unless you absolutely have to. Playing “you said, I said” will probably reignite the tension and solidify that wall between you two. Instead, address those needs you shared with one another as best you can– for yourself and for your partner.
Share with your partner what your vision of your future relationship looks like. You might see a relationship where you better support one another emotionally, trust one another more completely, listen to one another with more openness and feel more deeply connected.
Your vision could be as general or as specific as you’d like it to be. Listen to the vision your love has and look for ways those visions overlap. Celebrate this vision and keep it in your focus as you take steps toward it and away from the past.
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Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins, authors of “Should You Stay or Should You Go?” and “No More Jealousy” are experts at helping people get more of the love they really want. Learn the 5 keys to a closer, more loving relationship, click below for your free 5-part mini-course: http://www.Relationshipgold.com
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hi umm wel me andmy boyfriend hasbeen together for a long while now. and he hasthis bestfriend thats a girl hat i dnt like and we had a big argument and now were not as closer ecause of what happened. me adhis best friend markana dont like each other what can i do to makeme andhim closer?
heather: Thanks for your post. It can be really tricky when you don’t like your partner’s best friend. The thing to get clear within yourself about is exactly why you don’t like his best friend. Do you simply not like her– personality, habits, mannerisms, etc? Or, do you feel jealous and possibly threatened by their friendship?
This is an important differentiation to make. If you simply don’t like her, that’s fine. It’s your preference. You can give him space to have the friends he has and you can have your own friends (that he may or may not like). Not liking his best friend makes getting together socially potentially uncomfortable, but this is not an impossible situation or something you two have to argue or be distant from one another about.
If you discover that you are jealous and she feels to you like a threat to your relationship, this is something to dig a little deeper about. Do you have any reliable proof that she truly is a threat? When you honestly look at the observable facts you have about their friendship, is there anything to support you feeling threatened? If there isn’t, then explore the jealous assumptions you might be making.
Ultimately, if you can better understand your reaction to her and to his friendship with her, then you can more calmly talk with him about this. If there are specific things that feel inappropriate to you about their friendship, then you can create agreements with him about this. In the process of this self-understanding and communicating with your boyfriend, you two can move closer together again.
These free articles might be helpful to you:
http://www.relationshipgold.com/jealousy/friendships.htm#
http://www.relationshipgold.com/communication/agreements.htm#
Best Wishes,
Susie and Otto
i had a fight with my man over a silly issue…we havent spoken but l miss him alot.
wat do l do
BerylJack: Thank you for your question. We’re not sure how you and your partner left things when you had the fight. It’s important to get really clear about where things stand now and also what you are willing to do to move toward reconciliation with him. Apologizing for *your role* in the argument or situation is important– make sure your apology is sincere and true. In other words, if you merely say “I’m sorry” without really owning your role or if you try to make the whole thing “your fault,” this isn’t going to be effective. You could go to him and talk with him about possible solutions to the issue that caused the conflict in the first place. Together, create some agreements that will help resolve the issue. Then let the fight go and start focusing on re-connecting.
You might find the communication tips in our free mini-course helpful: http://www.relationshiptrust.com/10communicationsignup.htm#
Best Wishes, Susie and Otto
My boyfriend and I met in college and have been dating about 6 months now and because he is not the achieving- goal minded person I am it is difficult to think of a future with him. It isn’t going bad but sometimes I resent him for being underachieving and less “successful” than me especially because he is older than me, but I know I shouldn’t. What should I do to resolve this and keep from making him or I feel bad? Also, I don’t know whether there is a balance I can draw between relaxed and goal driven or if there is a way I can encourage him to complete the goals he want’s to? or if we are/ aren’t compatible? I have been snapping at him a lot and its not healthy and I am ashamed of myself for not being able to control my angry words sometimes…
Allie: Our very first piece of advice for you is to remove the word “should” and “shouldn’t” from your thoughts. As much as you can, take out “should” and replace it with words like, “What do I want?” and “What feels good to me?”
It is wise that you recognize your resentment building and it’s healthy that you’re taking steps to resolve it. Perhaps the most powerful way to resolve the inner conflict you’re feeling (that’s leading to conflict in your relationship) is to ask yourself if you can get out of your boyfriend’s business. Are you willing to let go and allow him to make his own decisions about his own goals and what he will do with his life? This is a big question and we encourage you to answer it honestly (without letting “shoulds” dictate). In a relationship, your partner’s choices DO have an effect on your life, but try to keep your focus mostly on your own choices and goals.
Can you be at peace with your boyfriend as he is and where is and value him (this probably means stop thinking about him as being “underachieving”)? If not, then maybe you two are not a good fit. Please know that whatever you decide, this is nothing to be ashamed of. Just be honest with yourself and if you stay with him, make a shift and start accepting and honoring him AND be sure to accept and honor yourself too.
Best Wishes,
Susie and Otto
I had a fight with my girlfriend over my sex history where she feels she has been betrayed because of the number of women she was expecting was low and like an idiot I bloated out entire truth. Even me sleeping with women in Brothel. How can I put her feeling at ease; because all I wanted to do was to maintain the trust by telling the entire truth. Help?
I forgot to mention its a long distance relationship.
sam tyrant: This can be a difficult area for many couples to navigate and especially so when there is physical distance between you two. Being honest is always the best policy and the way you communicate what’s true makes a big difference. What you can do is to gently remind her that you’ve chosen to be in a relationship with her and that your past is in the past. Make sure she knows what you are committed to now– regardless of the choices you made in the past. If you have not broken your commitment to her, you have nothing to apologize for. If your sex history is different than what she expected, don’t get defensive because it is what it is– the past.
If you did, at some point, lie to her or mislead her about what your sex history was, then do apologize and take ownership for lying. Let her know what you were worried about and what motivated you to lie– if that fits what happened. If you did not lie but you spoke harshly or got defensive, you can offer a sincere apology about that.
This is the most important point: Let her know that keeping trust strong is the reason why you were completely honest about your past AND show her with your words and actions that she is your focus and your commitment now.
In this article, we talk about how to build trust in your relationship: http://www.relationshipgold.com/relationship-trust/trusttriangle.htm#
Best Wishes,
Susie and Otto
Hi, me an my boyfriend have recently had a really bad argument.
About both our past issues, where I was texting another guy, which it was only one time I txted another guy and he saw my txt. Now we have both moved to another country and settled in and got jobs, however he left and headed to this country 7 months before I moved, where he had meet another girl, as he say they were only talking and texting each other. Where I had to sneak and check his phone, to find out all this information. Now every time he is on his phone I automatically think it’s her. I love this guy so much and wish to settle down with him. I feel that I’m in one of situations. What goes around comes around. I really want to move forward in our relationship, how can I overcome all of this and still have a trust worthy relationship. Can you please give me some helpful advice as we are going to meet in a couple of days and approach out situation without it resulting in yet another arguement.
Waisy: It sounds like rebuilding trust needs to be your top priority right now. It’s so important for you both to take responsibility for what you’ve done in the past to weaken trust and then to work together to strengthen it and reconnect. Create conscious agreements with each other about texting with other people. What is appropriate and what isn’t? Talk about it and really listen and share honestly. Come up with an agreement you both can be okay with. When you have doubts, keep bringing yourself back to what’s true now. Do you have any reliable proof that he’s still texting with her or texting in an inappropriate way? Make the facts your focus and that will help you know what to do.
Here’s a free article about how to create conscious agreements that build trust: http://www.relationshipgold.com/relationship-trust/nofailagreements.htm#
Best Wishes,
Susie and Otto
Hey
I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for 3 months. We both work for the same company. There was a beautiful chemistry between us when I first met him. We fell in love quickly and we’ve been trying to work things out. The problem is that we’re both extremely sensitive due to the nature of the traumas we’ve suffered in the past. Besides, we always carry the fear of being heartbroken.
Our last argument was over a statement I made which I really didn’t even mean. We were talking about a day earlier in the week and the fun we had on that day and he told me we’ve had so many beautiful days together and I said: yeay, but then you make a drama and ruin everything. He got sad and I felt desperate. The next thing was that I was telling him, 2e fight to much and we should probably break up. We hugged and kissed minutes later after I apologised to him for acting immature but I know that it won’t be long before something else comes up. I really dont want to hurt him and I dont want to hurt myself either. I feel these little arguments are getting very frequent and they’re taking their toll on our relationship. Please help me have a better understanding. Thank you
Sheena,
Thank you for posting about your situation. From what you write, it sounds like you would most benefit from a deeper understanding of what’s going on inside of you. When you hear yourself making jokes that aren’t really jokes, it’s probable that, inside and maybe on an unconscious level, you really believe this. If you are harboring resentment about your partner, this will come through in “little” ways like this and will lead to arguments. Take some time and think about the statements you made– the jokes that upset your partner and also the suggestion that you two should break up. Don’t judge yourself as bad or call yourself names (like “immature”) for having said these things, but do try to understand why. Ask yourself, “What was that about?” Maybe it is a defense mechanism to keep him at a distance from you because you’re afraid of being hurt as you were in the past or maybe it’s about something completely different than this.
Get curious and then decide what you really need to say to your partner. Apologize when that fits the situation but be sure that you are communicating in ways that help you two move closer together.
Here are some suggestions: http://www.relationshipgold.com/communication/phrasestoconnect.htm#
Best Wishes,
Susie and Otto