After the Argument or Fight: 3 Ways to Reconnect

After the Argument or Fight: 3 Ways to Reconnect
Literally every relationship has had them– misunderstandings and arguments. It might have been a huge fight where either or both of you said or did things you now regret. Or it could have been a “quiet” miscommunication that left you feeling suspicious or very confused.Regardless of the intensity of the argument or misunderstanding, the resulting disconnection between you two is probably uncomfortable and not conducive to having the relationship you really want. 

You may be feeling hurt and even mistrustful in the aftermath of whatever happened between you and your partner.

You might wonder if he or she will ever really understand your “side” of a situation. It could feel like you don’t really know your mate as well as you thought you did.

It could also seem that you two will never see eye to eye on this subject– or at all– and that your voice is being squashed down all of the time. These are all valid feelings.

But if your intention is to move beyond the wall that now seems to exist between you two, you probably want to look toward finding resolution and letting go of what happened.

As you rebuild trust and regain connection, you can also begin to take down that wall and move closer to your mate.

How do you do all of that? What are some ways to close that gap and reconnect with the one you love?

Here are some tips to try….

Tip # 1: Discover and ask for what you need.

Go within and ask yourself what questions you need answered, issues you need addressed, or actions you need to happen in order to feel a sense of resolution with whatever happened. This could vary in terms of “bigness” or “smallness,” but the effects can be just as powerful.

Perhaps your partner has been e-mailing with a former boyfriend or girlfriend and, when you found out about it, you blew up and your partner became defensive claiming that he or she is innocent and just wants to renew a friendship with this former mate.

While the dust has settled on the argument, the issue remains unresolved and you still feel suspicious and fearful. Ask yourself what you need to happen in order to move on?

This might be a promise that your partner will not e-mail with the former partner. It could be that you want your partner to share more information with you about this renewed friendship. Or, it could be you decide to trust what your love is saying. Whatever you decide, ask your partner to help you meet these needs as best as he or she can.

Tip #2: Listen to your partner’s needs.

Chances are quite high that your love may also be feeling the effects of the disconnection between the two of you. Just as he or she listened to what you need in order to let go of the argument or misunderstanding, give your partner that same gift.

Keep your heart open and, for the moment, just listen. You don’t have to make a snap decision about what action (if any) you will take. Listen and consider all possibilities.

It could be your partner has realized that there are unresolved issues with this former boyfriend or girlfriend.

Your love does not want or intend to get back together with this person, but would like a deeper sense of closure about some aspect of that past relationship. As threatening as the e-mailing may feel to you, this could end up allowing your partner to be more fully present and open with you.

Tip #3: Stay present and future-focused.

Avoid revisiting the particulars of the argument or misunderstanding unless you absolutely have to. Playing “you said, I said” will probably reignite the tension and solidify that wall between you two. Instead, address those needs you shared with one another as best you can– for yourself and for your partner.

Share with your partner what your vision of your future relationship looks like. You might see a relationship where you better support one another emotionally, trust one another more completely, listen to one another with more openness and feel more deeply connected.

Your vision could be as general or as specific as you’d like it to be. Listen to the vision your love has and look for ways those visions overlap. Celebrate this vision and keep it in your focus as you take steps toward it and away from the past.

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Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins, authors of “Should You Stay or Should You Go?” and “No More Jealousy” are experts at helping people get more of the love they really want. Learn the 5 keys to a closer, more loving relationship, click below for your free 5-part mini-course: http://www.Relationshipgold.com
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43 comments on “After the Argument or Fight: 3 Ways to Reconnect

  1. heather on said:

    hi umm wel me andmy boyfriend hasbeen together for a long while now. and he hasthis bestfriend thats a girl hat i dnt like and we had a big argument and now were not as closer ecause of what happened. me adhis best friend markana dont like each other what can i do to makeme andhim closer?

    • RelGold on said:

      heather: Thanks for your post. It can be really tricky when you don’t like your partner’s best friend. The thing to get clear within yourself about is exactly why you don’t like his best friend. Do you simply not like her– personality, habits, mannerisms, etc? Or, do you feel jealous and possibly threatened by their friendship?

      This is an important differentiation to make. If you simply don’t like her, that’s fine. It’s your preference. You can give him space to have the friends he has and you can have your own friends (that he may or may not like). Not liking his best friend makes getting together socially potentially uncomfortable, but this is not an impossible situation or something you two have to argue or be distant from one another about.

      If you discover that you are jealous and she feels to you like a threat to your relationship, this is something to dig a little deeper about. Do you have any reliable proof that she truly is a threat? When you honestly look at the observable facts you have about their friendship, is there anything to support you feeling threatened? If there isn’t, then explore the jealous assumptions you might be making.

      Ultimately, if you can better understand your reaction to her and to his friendship with her, then you can more calmly talk with him about this. If there are specific things that feel inappropriate to you about their friendship, then you can create agreements with him about this. In the process of this self-understanding and communicating with your boyfriend, you two can move closer together again.

      These free articles might be helpful to you:
      http://www.relationshipgold.com/jealousy/friendships.htm#
      http://www.relationshipgold.com/communication/agreements.htm#

      Best Wishes,
      Susie and Otto

  2. Beryl Jack on said:

    i had a fight with my man over a silly issue…we havent spoken but l miss him alot.
    wat do l do

    • BerylJack: Thank you for your question. We’re not sure how you and your partner left things when you had the fight. It’s important to get really clear about where things stand now and also what you are willing to do to move toward reconciliation with him. Apologizing for *your role* in the argument or situation is important– make sure your apology is sincere and true. In other words, if you merely say “I’m sorry” without really owning your role or if you try to make the whole thing “your fault,” this isn’t going to be effective. You could go to him and talk with him about possible solutions to the issue that caused the conflict in the first place. Together, create some agreements that will help resolve the issue. Then let the fight go and start focusing on re-connecting.

      You might find the communication tips in our free mini-course helpful: http://www.relationshiptrust.com/10communicationsignup.htm#

      Best Wishes, Susie and Otto

  3. Allie on said:

    My boyfriend and I met in college and have been dating about 6 months now and because he is not the achieving- goal minded person I am it is difficult to think of a future with him. It isn’t going bad but sometimes I resent him for being underachieving and less “successful” than me especially because he is older than me, but I know I shouldn’t. What should I do to resolve this and keep from making him or I feel bad? Also, I don’t know whether there is a balance I can draw between relaxed and goal driven or if there is a way I can encourage him to complete the goals he want’s to? or if we are/ aren’t compatible? I have been snapping at him a lot and its not healthy and I am ashamed of myself for not being able to control my angry words sometimes…

    • RelGold on said:

      Allie: Our very first piece of advice for you is to remove the word “should” and “shouldn’t” from your thoughts. As much as you can, take out “should” and replace it with words like, “What do I want?” and “What feels good to me?”

      It is wise that you recognize your resentment building and it’s healthy that you’re taking steps to resolve it. Perhaps the most powerful way to resolve the inner conflict you’re feeling (that’s leading to conflict in your relationship) is to ask yourself if you can get out of your boyfriend’s business. Are you willing to let go and allow him to make his own decisions about his own goals and what he will do with his life? This is a big question and we encourage you to answer it honestly (without letting “shoulds” dictate). In a relationship, your partner’s choices DO have an effect on your life, but try to keep your focus mostly on your own choices and goals.

      Can you be at peace with your boyfriend as he is and where is and value him (this probably means stop thinking about him as being “underachieving”)? If not, then maybe you two are not a good fit. Please know that whatever you decide, this is nothing to be ashamed of. Just be honest with yourself and if you stay with him, make a shift and start accepting and honoring him AND be sure to accept and honor yourself too.

      Best Wishes,
      Susie and Otto

  4. sam tyrant on said:

    I had a fight with my girlfriend over my sex history where she feels she has been betrayed because of the number of women she was expecting was low and like an idiot I bloated out entire truth. Even me sleeping with women in Brothel. How can I put her feeling at ease; because all I wanted to do was to maintain the trust by telling the entire truth. Help?

    • sam tyrant on said:

      I forgot to mention its a long distance relationship.

    • RelGold on said:

      sam tyrant: This can be a difficult area for many couples to navigate and especially so when there is physical distance between you two. Being honest is always the best policy and the way you communicate what’s true makes a big difference. What you can do is to gently remind her that you’ve chosen to be in a relationship with her and that your past is in the past. Make sure she knows what you are committed to now– regardless of the choices you made in the past. If you have not broken your commitment to her, you have nothing to apologize for. If your sex history is different than what she expected, don’t get defensive because it is what it is– the past.

      If you did, at some point, lie to her or mislead her about what your sex history was, then do apologize and take ownership for lying. Let her know what you were worried about and what motivated you to lie– if that fits what happened. If you did not lie but you spoke harshly or got defensive, you can offer a sincere apology about that.

      This is the most important point: Let her know that keeping trust strong is the reason why you were completely honest about your past AND show her with your words and actions that she is your focus and your commitment now.

      In this article, we talk about how to build trust in your relationship: http://www.relationshipgold.com/relationship-trust/trusttriangle.htm#

      Best Wishes,
      Susie and Otto

  5. Waisy on said:

    Hi, me an my boyfriend have recently had a really bad argument.
    About both our past issues, where I was texting another guy, which it was only one time I txted another guy and he saw my txt. Now we have both moved to another country and settled in and got jobs, however he left and headed to this country 7 months before I moved, where he had meet another girl, as he say they were only talking and texting each other. Where I had to sneak and check his phone, to find out all this information. Now every time he is on his phone I automatically think it’s her. I love this guy so much and wish to settle down with him. I feel that I’m in one of situations. What goes around comes around. I really want to move forward in our relationship, how can I overcome all of this and still have a trust worthy relationship. Can you please give me some helpful advice as we are going to meet in a couple of days and approach out situation without it resulting in yet another arguement.

    • RelGold on said:

      Waisy: It sounds like rebuilding trust needs to be your top priority right now. It’s so important for you both to take responsibility for what you’ve done in the past to weaken trust and then to work together to strengthen it and reconnect. Create conscious agreements with each other about texting with other people. What is appropriate and what isn’t? Talk about it and really listen and share honestly. Come up with an agreement you both can be okay with. When you have doubts, keep bringing yourself back to what’s true now. Do you have any reliable proof that he’s still texting with her or texting in an inappropriate way? Make the facts your focus and that will help you know what to do.

      Here’s a free article about how to create conscious agreements that build trust: http://www.relationshipgold.com/relationship-trust/nofailagreements.htm#

      Best Wishes,
      Susie and Otto

  6. Sheena on said:

    Hey
    I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for 3 months. We both work for the same company. There was a beautiful chemistry between us when I first met him. We fell in love quickly and we’ve been trying to work things out. The problem is that we’re both extremely sensitive due to the nature of the traumas we’ve suffered in the past. Besides, we always carry the fear of being heartbroken.
    Our last argument was over a statement I made which I really didn’t even mean. We were talking about a day earlier in the week and the fun we had on that day and he told me we’ve had so many beautiful days together and I said: yeay, but then you make a drama and ruin everything. He got sad and I felt desperate. The next thing was that I was telling him, 2e fight to much and we should probably break up. We hugged and kissed minutes later after I apologised to him for acting immature but I know that it won’t be long before something else comes up. I really dont want to hurt him and I dont want to hurt myself either. I feel these little arguments are getting very frequent and they’re taking their toll on our relationship. Please help me have a better understanding. Thank you

    • RelGold on said:

      Sheena,
      Thank you for posting about your situation. From what you write, it sounds like you would most benefit from a deeper understanding of what’s going on inside of you. When you hear yourself making jokes that aren’t really jokes, it’s probable that, inside and maybe on an unconscious level, you really believe this. If you are harboring resentment about your partner, this will come through in “little” ways like this and will lead to arguments. Take some time and think about the statements you made– the jokes that upset your partner and also the suggestion that you two should break up. Don’t judge yourself as bad or call yourself names (like “immature”) for having said these things, but do try to understand why. Ask yourself, “What was that about?” Maybe it is a defense mechanism to keep him at a distance from you because you’re afraid of being hurt as you were in the past or maybe it’s about something completely different than this.

      Get curious and then decide what you really need to say to your partner. Apologize when that fits the situation but be sure that you are communicating in ways that help you two move closer together.

      Here are some suggestions: http://www.relationshipgold.com/communication/phrasestoconnect.htm#

      Best Wishes,
      Susie and Otto

  7. Hi,
    This is a good article, thank you. I wonder, how are you supposed to act after you’ve had an argument? Myself and my boyfriend have been together for nearly a year, and we have had some silly arguments that ultimately are resolved rather quickly, but there seem to have been quite a few in the last couple of weeks. The last one was the worst one and I think I over-reacted so it was awkward for a lot longer than usual (days rather than hours). Now, although we have made up and since spent time together, I feel like he is distant from me. I can’t put my finger on it, but feel he is less excited to see me and I feel sad a lot and wish it was how it used to be. We were in such a beautiful relationship and I couldn’t ask for anything more. I am quite insecure, he suffers from anxiety and we both have a history with depression although both of us have completely different opinions on the subjects so although most people would assume that we would understand each other, it’s quite the opposite.

    None of these arguments in my opinions are deal breakers – there have been about 4 or 5. They’re usually perhaps a difference in opinion on something which get’s heated although doesn’t actually directly affect either of us, we’re just both passionate about certain topics. Recently I found out he’d been watching porn which I guess isn’t so bad in itself but it made me feel awful about myself and like I wasn’t good enough. He admitted that he has only done it once and I believe him, and I know that boys will be boys.

    I worry that although none of the situations are all that bad, he is put off me and I am constantly trying to read his behaviour like “is he happy to see me? why does he look so grumpy? does he not like me any more? is he glad I came here with him?” etc etc and it all fuels my insecurity. I want to talk about this with him but I am worried about seeming desperate or needy. I’ve been extra nice telling him how much I love him and appreciate him, and how wonderful he is and how I am so lucky to have him. I’ve tried to act the way I did before we argued, and I continue to send him lovely messages and emails like before. He responds saying he loves me, and he hugs me and holds my hand but something isn’t the same. I just don’t feel that this behaviour on my part is sustainable because I am so worried and upset all the time, and insecurity is a circle – I feel insecure so I worry about him, his behaviour makes me feel more insecure and so on. Do I carry on acting normal and it will go back to normal?

    Thanks

    • RelGold on said:

      Jess: Thank you for your question and post. Based on the way you describe your situation, we have a few suggestions for you: 1) Stop expecting things to be like they were. That’s never possible– even if you two didn’t argue. Relationships are always changing and growing. Your opportunity is to help make sure the changes are beneficial for your relationship’s health. 2) Get serious about watching your thoughts. It sounds like you stir yourself up with a regular stream of thoughts that keep you feeling insecure and that leads you to act in ways that push him away. Interrupt your thoughts when they aren’t helping you feel good about yourself and present in your relationship. Develop the habit of interrupting a self-critical thought with, “Is that really true?” or “What’s a different thought that is true AND will help me feel better about myself?” This takes practice so keep at it. 3) Know the difference between disagreements that aren’t a big deal and those that really are. If you are bothered by him watching porn, talk about it and create some agreements with him. Do this without blame and without making him wrong. You can use words like, “I feel_____ when I know you are watching porn.” It’s important that you come to a conversation like this calm and clear and pause if you need to calm yourself down again.

      We offer a free communication ecourse that you might find helpful. Here’s the link: http://www.passionateheart.com/7daycommunicationmagicsignup.htm#

      Best Wishes,
      Susie and Otto

  8. Hi. My boyfriend and I had an argument. Because I knew that he was asking his ex-girlfriend about their past relationship. Then I told him about that. Then he got mad at me. I don’t know what to do. I kept on saying sorry to him. And now we’re on a misunderstanding. I don’t know what is it about and when I am asking him, he always say that he doesn’t know. And I knew that he doesn’t want to bring back the past anymore. Again, I said sorry. What am I gonna do? Help me. How can I fix this misunderstanding?

    • RelGold on said:

      Liyah: Thank you for your comment. From what you write, it sounds like you found out some information about your boyfriend contacting his ex and asking her about their past relationship and when you brought this up to clarify (maybe find out what his intentions are?) he got mad at you and maybe defensive. Before you go any further, we recommend that you review the facts you know. What exactly do you know about his contact with his ex and their conversation (or other interactions)? When you look over the facts you have, do you feel more or less suspicious about what happened?

      Unless there is reliable information that proves he has broken trust, you definitely don’t want to accuse him of anything, but you do talk with him and create some agreements. The misunderstanding will only re-surface again and repeat itself until you resolve your questions about his interactions with his ex. Please remember, that does NOT mean you accuse him, interrogate him or spy on him. Look at the facts and make a smart decision that will help you create healthier trust and communication with him.

      This free article about creating agreements will help: http://www.relationshipgold.com/communication/agreements.htm#

      Best Wishes,
      Susie and Otto Collins

  9. Malina Henry on said:

    HI I’ve read this article and it has really interesting points. My boyfriend and I have been together for four years and we have two children together but we are not living together or married. Just recently we have had an argument where we said a lot of hurtful things that we don’t mean and brought back a lot of hurtful things about each other from our past. He says that I’ve changed all of a sudden and it is causing him to separate in our relationship. I don’t know how we can get past this. Can you help me? Both of us get angry quickly and it causes a lot of damage to our relationship

    • RelGold on said:

      Malina: Thank you for your post. This is a situation that many couples find themselves in. An argument erupts, hurtful words are said and it feels impossible to get back to where you were before and to be close again. Stopping your part in the “war” that has started is absolutely essential. It’s important to remember that stopping your part doesn’t mean you “give in” or compromise on what’s dear to you. You take the time to cool off and you get clear. Remember where your priorities are and what you originally wanted in this situation.

      Do apologize for your role in the argument and for the hurtful words that you said, but put your main focus on letting your boyfriend know you are ready to work with him and figure out a solution for moving forward. If you two get angry easily and often, come up with some communication agreements. Some examples are: We’ll take a 10 minute time out when one of us feels like it’s needed and We’ll set a kitchen timer and each person will get 5 minutes (or whatever time works for you) to talk while the other agrees to listen without interrupting.

      Best Wishes, Susie and Otto

  10. Hi, I just had a fight with my boyfriend about a silly issue. He called me stupid in the heat of the moment and I know he didnt mean to. But coming out of a bad relationship in the past, him callingme stupid brought on a lot of bad memories. I decided not to talk to him till I cool down. However, before taking a break I did tell him that this is where he went wrong. He did apologise for his part and he told me he was offended about something I said, so i apologised for my part. I told him we need to forgive each other and move on. But there is a part of me still injured. I want to forget. But I feel all men are same. I do love him so much and things between us have been great and amazing. I want myself to go back to how I was with him. He is hurt as well. Both of us want to crawl out of this. How m do we do that?? Im lost. How do we find out way back. And the sad part is this relationship is long distance right now which complicates everything further.

    • RelGold on said:

      Saray: Thank you for your comment. You are right– it is more complicated when you’re in a long distance relationship and you have an argument. The good news is that it sounds like you and your boyfriend have already started the healing process. It also sounds like you are developing an awareness of when you need time to cool off and get clear. And that’s really the key here. From what you write, you likely have some unresolved emotional wounds from your past relationship (most of us do). It will help if you take some regular time to heal those old wounds. This can be as simple as writing your ex a letter where you pour out how you felt and how you still feel and then burn the letter in a fireplace. The idea here is to let those emotions go so you are freer of them.

      As you heal and release the past more and more, it’s going to be easier for you to be present with your boyfriend. You might still get triggered occasionally, but you’ll be able to stop yourself before you react from the past and, instead, calm down and remind yourself of what’s true now. If you haven’t already, you can even tell your boyfriend about why being called stupid is such a trigger for you. You can let him know that you still don’t want to be called names (and maybe create an agreement about that) and let him know you’re working on letting go of the past.

      This fight you two had, can be an opportunity to connect and be closer than you were before.

      We’ve got a free 7 day communication magic ecourse that you can get here if you are interested: http://www.passionateheart.com/7daycommunicationmagicsignup.htm#

      Best Wishes,
      Susie and Otto

  11. tyleshia on said:

    So me & this guy that I’m talking to have been talking for 3 months going on 4 months. So yesterday me & him got into argument about trying to a find way to see each other. So I got frustrated at him because we couldn’t agree on anything. So I something to make him mad. So I apologize to him, asking him if we could start the conversation over without arguing. Then he texted me saying he didn’t wanna start over. I annoy the hell out of him when I do that smh. So my question is should I wait couple of days to try reconnect with him & see if I can try having that conversation with him without arguing?

    • tyleshia: Thank you for posting. It is smart of you to take a step back and figure out what’s best before pushing things forward to resolve this disagreement you and your partner are having. First of all, it’s really best to have difficult conversations face-to-face. Even if you two are in a long distance relationship, use something like Skype or talk on the phone. Texting is really bad for having a conversation and especially bad for trying to re-connect after having an argument.

      Do think about what he literally said to you in his text and/or words. If he asked for a little time before revisiting this issue,then give him that. If he did not ask for time, then it might be a good idea to get this resolved sooner (instead of later). Be honest with yourself and identify the ways that you contribute to the argument. This isn’t about saying “yes” to anything he says or giving up on what’s really important to you, but it IS about thinking about what your top priorities are and how you can really listen to what he has to say and consider it.

      This free article has more suggestions for how to de-fuse an argument: http://www.relationshipgold.com/communication/defuseanargument.htm

      Best Wishes,
      Susie and Otto

  12. Tinyblueroses on said:

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now. We actually argue a lot more than we used to but nothing to huge. Every argument seems to blow up and become something bigger than it really is. After the fights, we feel very sad, disconnected, and just fed up. He’s even told me, I’m tired of arguing with you. Plus when we’re about to argue or barely started, he’ll just try to leave which of course infuriates me.

    I do contribute by making the fight bigger than it is. Just last night we argued and it was all my fault. I’ve been upset how we haven”t been spending much time together and haven’t had a full on conversation in a while. I let that mindset cloud my vision and acted very indifferent when he tried to be nice and happy on the phone call. I made him even more upset when the fight got so out of hand that he said “if you hang up it’s over” to which I said “it wouldn’t be much of a difference if we broke up since we never talk anymore!” and of course he took it wrong and said “oh really? alright. We’ll see what’s up” and he just hung up.I of course let my anger get in the way and text him mean things, and tried to take it back in a later text. I’m afraid we’re broken up now and I’m afraid the break up will be permanent and I don’t want to lose him because I love him very very much. What can I do?

    • RelGold on said:

      Tinyblueroses: Thanks for posting and we’re sorry to hear about the challenges you’ve been having in your relationship. What’s really important and helpful is that you are aware of your habits and the way you contribute to making the fight bigger. Before you try to talk with him again, take the time to get clear. Think about what has been building up in you– “little” resentments and irritations and possibly worries and fears. The reason why things escalate is because you (and probably him too) are bringing to the conversation that build up. Acknowledge it if you have a habit of stuffing down how you feel until you can’t take it anymore and then over-react or have a stronger reaction than the situation warrants. This is a common mistake many of us make. Let your partner know that you take ownership for this habit and that you’re working to change it.

      Get into the habit of checking in with yourself and of taking care of those “little” things while they’re still little. If your boyfriend is willing to give your relationship another chance, it might help for you two to come up with some agreements. Talk about what happens– for each of you individually and as a couple– when a conversation becomes a fight. When either of you gets so angry you want to lash out or threaten to end the relationship, have an agreement that you’ll ask for a 5 or 10 minute (or whatever you need) “time out” to cool off, get clear and then you’ll return to whatever you were talking about. You can also come up with an agreement about how much time you’d like to spend together and what you’ll do. This doesn’t have to be all scripted out or rigid, but if you both are on the same page and truly agree to a regular amount of quality time together, that can make a difference.

      Here’s a free article about creating agreements: http://www.relationshipgold.com/communication/agreements.htm

      We also offer a free 7 day communication magic ecourse you can sign up for here if you choose: http://www.passionateheart.com/7daycommunicationmagicsignup.htm

      Best Wishes,
      Susie and Otto

  13. Well where do we start, I have been dating a girl for two years, all long distance but we have kept communication before this began. I originally fell head over heels for her in the 7th grade and when I joined the Air Force when I was 18, throughout that time we grew close and in love. After a year and a half I was medically discharged and came back home. I went and visited her while I was in service and she came to visit me after at my house, the time we spend together is amazing to say the least. But being away from each other is very tough and communication has to be perfect. I have been working to save up for my move to the state in which she lives however after having a argument where she didn’t understand no matter how politely it was that I was uncomfortable with her dancing salsa and swing with a guy from work that she has said on many occasions likes her a lot and hits on her. However the thing that worries me is that she says he hits on everyone and that’s the way he is, that she considers him to be a little brother. She also likes to party/dance and have fun which is fine by me but as long as your keeping your significant other in mind which my trust in that is drifting. I feel so emotionally connected to her even through such distance and during this argument I had said that I don’t think she was putting effort into us. Which I didn’t mean to say at all, however after apologizing and taking full responsibility for what I said, though it was said out of frustration. Now within the last couple of days she has wanted to keep our communication very low if it all because she says she needs time to heal. While sitting in this chair the overwhelming anxiety and stress I feel for us mounts every second. I love her but I don’t know if this is it. Thanks for your time in reading this and a reply would be greatly appreciated- Nick D

    • RelGold on said:

      Nick: thanks for posting about your situation. If she needs “time to heal,” you might contact her to let her know that you’re going to honor her wishes but to request that you two set up a specific time when you will talk again. It is not a good idea to push her, but do come up with an agreement for you two to revisit this so you can move forward. It is good that you took responsibility for your misspoken words. Nobody likes to be wrongfully accused and if you are coming off as jealous, then this can put distance between you two as well.

      During the time from now until you two talk again, get clear within yourself. Get clear about the facts you have and about what you want for the future. You know that she likes to dance and to party so don’t expect her to change. When you two talk, ask her what some reasonable agreements might be about spending time with others that will keep trust in your relationship strong. These agreements need to be specific but also something that you both can feel good about.

      This free article can help: http://www.relationshipgold.com/relationship-advice/longdistancelove.htm

      Best Wishes,
      Susie and Otto

  14. Pippa long on said:

    Hey. Me and my boyfriend have been going out for a bit longer then 5 months, it’s not too long but we’ve had a lot of arguments, and I know most of them are my fault, at the start of the relationship I lost his trust by lying to him, and I thought he had forgiven me or let it go because we seemed to be doing very well. Well, we got into arguments heaps, and he always tells me that I haven’t done anything to fix the old arguments that have happened, and I know that I havnt properly fixed any of the arguments, because I’m not really sure why, and I’m going to lose him if I don’t fix them. Is there things I could try to talk to him about without bringing up the actual argument too much? I can’t remember every argument we have had, but they all go back to the main thing; I’ve never fixed the argument and I’ve never tried to make him feel better about it. I won’t to know ways I can compromise with him without seeming like I’m just trying to get out of not fixing the argument cause I do want to, so is there things I could try? And things I could say to help make him feel better and help him let go of past issues? Please help.. It’s really important please reply ASAP…

    • RelGold on said:

      Pippa long:
      Thank you for posting about your situation. Here’s what we suggest: Ask your boyfriend to sit down with you to talk. Let him know how much you want to make amends for what happened in the past and to work with him so you two can move forward together. Perhaps the best way to do that is to create some agreements. One thing to keep in mind is that you can’t “fix” what happened in the past. It happened and now your focus needs to be on helping the healing (in both of you). You also can’t make your boyfriend feel better or forgive you for whatever you did.That’s up to him to do (or not).

      What you can do is to ask him how he’d like you to make amends for whatever you said or did. Really listen to him and think about whether or not you’re willing to do what he asks. And remember, it’s likely that you BOTH played a role in whatever happened. If there are things you’d like him to do differently, include that in your agreements. Create clear and specific agreements about any changes you promise one another that you’ll make and then watch and acknowledge when you and he are keeping those agreements. That’s how to rebuild trust and connection.

      Here’s a free article about how to create agreements: http://www.relationshipgold.com/communication/agreements.htm

      Best Wishes,
      Susie and Otto

  15. Hi me and my bf have had none stop arguments for about a month now and I feel like I’m putting all the effort in and he’s just not bothering. He tells me to say what’s wrong then he goes off into the deep end and has a go cause and I’m saying how I feel towards him and what’s he done then he gets really fed up and tells me to do one while he calms down then won’t discuss it further. (Like a father and daughter – daughter wants father puts foot down) it stressing me out so much that I don’t know if I want to be with him any more cause the way he goes on. But I love him to bits but I can hardly get a love you out him now or a FAA (forever and always) please help I’m so confused and emotionally drained

    • RelGold on said:

      Kirsty: It sounds like you and your boyfriend are stuck in a dangerous cycle. In order for this to change and improve, one of you will have to break that cycle. This might mean that you recognize the way you’ve been communicating that pushes him away. Are you accusing, blaming or nagging– even if you don’t mean to be? The key is for you to communicate honestly how you feel in a way that encourages openness in him too and further conversation between you two. Watch for times you might say things like, “You never…” or “You always…” or “You make me…” and instead, choose words that are true and talk about how you feel. “I miss hearing you say ‘I love you’ to me” is a way to share how you feel. Another phrase you might try is, “Because our relationship is so important to me, I want to work with you to resolve this.”

      Ultimately, if you are questioning whether or not you want to be with him, you need to resolve that within yourself first. Here is a free article with some communication suggestions: http://www.relationshipgold.com/communication/defuseanargument.htm

      Best Wishes,
      Susie and Otto

  16. Me and my husband had a huge fight because i found out he had been texting some girl and i said some harsh things to him now he’s guving the silent treatment like i’m the one who did something wrong what should i do

    • RelGold on said:

      jazz:
      Thanks for posting your question. It’s important to be clear about what the facts are and what your non-negotiables are before you approach him again about this. Do you know what the actual text said? Have you and your husband made agreements in the past that he won’t text with other women (or particularly this woman)? If the text was not inappropriate, can you be okay with him continuing to text other women like this or not? In other words, where do you draw the line– what’s not up for negotiation?

      Even if he’s unwilling to talk to you, ask him to listen to what you have to say. Present the facts you have, why you believe this is inappropriate or a break in trust and ask if he’s willing to stop texting with other women (or whatever your boundary is on this). Create agreements about texting with others so that trust can start to rebuild.

      If he isn’t willing to stop texting other women or if you have facts that he’s having an affair, your decision will be whether or not it’s smart for you to stay in the relationship.

      You might find these free articles helpful:
      http://www.relationshiptrust.com/Lying/suspicions.htm
      http://www.relationshiptrust.com/RebuildingTrust/changestrust.htm

      Best Wishes,
      Susie and Otto

  17. ardeen92 on said:

    Hi, just first off wanted to thank you for writing such a wonderful and truly inspiring article, it surely taught me a few things.

    Anyways, if it’s not too late to ask for advice and if it’s not too late overall.

    I’ve been in a constant on/off relationship for about 4 years now and this probably already turns on a few of those red lights, but after just 3 years, we actually managed to move from only talking online to meeting irl. This took place just last year, in April and we met again in June and were supposed to meet up again in October, but as I fell ill and it only got worse, I had to cancel.

    It should be known that our relationship had in the past been very difficult with a two digit number of breakups and countless of silly arguments, but as I’ve just about finished my treatment for major depression with manic tendencies, I had hoped things would get better.

    Anyways, we broke up in September as he pushed to see me in October while I was ill, I felt forced to agree because I feared he would leave me if I didn’t. But as I kept getting worse, I ended things because I knew the result would have been the same.

    Communication has always been quite difficult as we’re two completely different people, I’m very sensitive and still struggle with not letting this get to me so easily, I tend to take things to heart and overthink a lot. I however, always owe up to my wrongs and apologize whenever I’ve made a mistake.

    A month after our breakup, we started talking again and in November we began heading towards getting back together. He was the one who contacted me and in December we agreed to meet up in January. This was our third time being together and I really thought things would be better from now on, because I devoted myself to it. I visited him as I did the first time and we spent 5 days together.

    It was reassuring and he gave me a ring and promised we would stay together and work things out should problems arise. We spoke about moving in together and agreed that we would aim for after the summer this year, but as I’m not working or studying, we pushed it to next year.

    I brought up the idea of creating a savings account, not knowing the sacred rule that couples apparently have, as this was my first real relationship.

    I may have been a bit too quick about bringing it up, because he seemed determined that it wasn’t just something he would do.

    I dropped it and went to bed.

    It would also be financially wiser, but my brain works in the most logical ways, logic and being practical are my virtues.

    I came back on January 7th and the following week things seemed to be fine between us. We chatted and in the weekend I brought up our next trip, which would be in April. I tried to get him to partake in the arrangement, asking him where he would like to go and so on. I brought up a few ideas, but he turned them down and said he would like to go somewhere warm.

    However, once again my brain decided to throw in some logical/practical thinking and suggested somewhere within range of us both as it would be impractical to visit one another and then take the flight to wherever we decided. It would be extremely costly and time-consuming. I live in Scandinavia and he lives in the UK, taking 3-4 flights is just silly.

    He disregarded my comment and told me to stop being paranoid. I clammed up as I honestly didn’t think it was paranoia speaking, but pure logic. A silly little argument began and I ended up just saying he was right and apologized for my comment.

    The next week seemed a bit tense between us and it all yet again culminated as I spoke about my savings, which led to me being put 5 days in purgatory. It started out as another silly little argument and I apologized and explained my side to him while he distanced himself and began saying that our relationship was falling apart.

    I tried for 5 full days to remind him of everything good we had and begged him to see reason and stop thinking about all the bad. I begged him to talk to me and asked him what he felt was wrong about our relationship but he kept going on about how toxic it was and how tired he was of the arguments. I tried to tell him that all the things he thought was wrong, could be solved just by talking about it and listening to one another.

    He didn’t want to and said he needed a break or things might end up in disaster. As I already spent 5 days in what I really would call hell and couldn’t bear not knowing what went through his mind, I begged him to use the weekend and think about what he wanted. It wasn’t meant as an ultimatum, but a cry for clarity but he decided to leave me.

    I don’t know how many long posts I wrote to him, all explaining that there was hope, that I had faith and that I wanted to know how he felt,

    He didn’t even take a second and broke up Friday evening.

    As from where I stand, I feel sorry and sad about how he let one little pebble start an avalanche. I did try to reach out to him and ask him about how he felt, because I didn’t see things his way. Perhaps the eye-to-eye was the problem, but I was willing to talk about things as couples should and held out my hand.

    I told him I needed him because my family is dealing with a lot of issues, my grandmother got cancer and well she’s been given one year, so things are very difficult at the moment.

    I’m not completely innocent, never was. My overthinking often got the best of me but I always apologized and tried to talk things through. But, as I mentioned we’re very different people and as much as I’m sensitive, he’s very direct and forthcoming, but he doesn’t like to talk about his feelings.

    Things escalated in less than a month and I don’t think I’ll ever know the real reason, because the signals he gave could either mean he found someone else and just wanted this chapter to end so he could rip it out and toss it away or he just needed time to think and I pushed him.

    It seems so silly, like almost jokingly silly. As if the entire act was played out by clowns in a circus. I am left with so many questions and feel not only devastated but lost and last but not least ridiculous.

    It’s my first real relationship and for years I’ve not had a single friend to support me through all the hardships life has pulled me through, so I not only counted on him as my partner, but as my friend.

    A promise like the one he gave me while looking me in the eye, meant something more than words can describe. He broke it and as we spoke (as he broke up with me) he didn’t seem sorry at all.

    To sum it up: “Sorry for hurting you, it’s for the best, still want to be in your life. Goodbye”

    Now, on the second day and with still no communcation or answers, I don’t really know what to do.

    I could search for my answers through Google for 50 years and it would either be that he found someone else or he’s living a double-life, I don’t know.

    I don’t think he has found someone else, because when I was with him, he actually did seem to care and did seem to love me and did want to be with me, but perhaps I just made it too difficult or perhaps he was too scared to face his own emotions.

    He didn’t seem like the type to just ditch one girl for another, but as I said, I know so little about relationships that I even question my own judgement, even when face to face.

    Needless to say, I’m desperate because I love him and I want answers and advice.

    Should I move on? Should I wait and give him time and see if he comes back? Is there any way to actually get him back?

    Any advice is welcome,
    thanks in advance.

    Thanks.

    • RelGold on said:

      ardeen92: Thank you for your post. From what you write, it sounds like you two have some chronic relationship habits that aren’t healthy for effective communication or your connection. We recommend that you take some time to get really clear about what your individual habits have been that have contributed to the continued arguments and repeated break ups before trying to talk with him again. This isn’t comfortable to do, but it’s extremely helpful.

      We do NOT want you to make every argument (or this recent breakup) your fault. There is always a dynamic that both people play a role in. It’s helpful to identify what you usually do because, once you know, you can be on the lookout for that reaction in the future and choose to do something different. For example, when things get tense with him, do you tend to brush off your feelings, dismiss what you want or make it all your fault in order to end the argument? If so, how has that worked for you? If your habitual reactions haven’t helped you two regain peace and connection, then there’s probably a different response that would be better.

      When you talk with him again, try a new approach to your relationship. Create agreements with him about the tricky subjects that have been the source of arguments before– like money. If he tenses up and gets angry, ask him to “please help me understand” so that you truly can understand what his opposition is to setting up a savings account or anything else.

      If he won’t talk with you at all, then please be gentle and kind to yourself. If you have family or a friend (maybe a new friend) who can give you support right now, receive it.

      Here’s a free article that you might find helpful: http://www.relationshipgold.com/communication/cooperation.htm

      Best Wishes,
      Susie and Otto

  18. Tiffani on said:

    Hi there,

    I’ve recently got into a pretty serious relationship with a guy who I now call my boyfriend. We met a few months ago in a traveling situation and spent a beautiful month together. There were a few times that he acted strange with me but we got over it. He had to leave the country due to his visa expiring and I already had plans to be in the same country where he was going. We spent two weeks apart sending lovely e-mails to each other, everything was so romantic and beautiful. Finally, about two weeks ago we met up and it was a little strange at first. We’ve rented a place together and now we’re here.
    About a week ago we got into an argument, which turned into a fight, which turned into me threatening to leave. Some things were said, and I didn’t leave, I went to sleep. The next day seeing as how we didn’t really resolve the problems from the night before it carried on and this time I packed up all of my things and put them outside. I left for about ten minutes, talked to a friend, cooled down and came back.
    Ever since, for about 5 days now, it’s been an emotional roller coaster. He told me that he is depressed and it’s been really strange. Sadly, it almost feels as the connection has been lost. He is way different, and I feel different too. I feel like my expectations for him to just bounce back and be normal again are a little unfair for him, and myself. However now I just feel extremely insecure about how he truly feels about me. I ask him and he tells me that he loves me and he thinks the feelings will come back but it’s scary. I’m really lost and confused on this one….
    I wish I hadn’t reacted so strongly especially it being so fresh and new.

    • RelGold on said:

      Tiffani: Thank you for your post. It’s highly unlikely that things between you and your boyfriend will just go back to “normal”…and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s important for you to understand why you had such a strong reaction that would lead you to threaten to leave and then actually do it (even for a short while). The more you can understand why you were motivated to do say and do those things, the better. Do you have a pattern of ending a relationship when things get difficult? Have you had a partner in the past who has acted like this? Is there something about your current relationship that is putting you on guard and/or ready to leave when difficulties arise?

      Once you know what’s going on within you, then you can sit down and talk about this with your partner. He might still feel hurt and it may take some time for him to trust you again (that you’ll stay and work things out with him), but helping him understand why and apologizing sincerely really go a long way to help.

      Regarding the argument you two had… This sounds like it could be a sensitive issue for you both. Create some agreements about how you two will communicate respectfully and in ways that promote both sharing and listening. Having some “ground rules” can prevent a nasty fight and can encourage you both to really hear one another and find a solution that works for you both.

      Here’s a free article on creating agreements that can help: http://www.relationshipgold.com/communication/agreements.htm

      Best Wishes,
      Susie and Otto

  19. Anastasia on said:

    Hello :)
    I am 19 years old and in a relationship with my boyfriend, ongoing for 4 years now. Last night I, under pressure, asked my boyfriend if it isn’t better to abstain from sex until marriage, and I cited my mother’s pressure and the studies I read that premarital sex leads to marital problems. I am deeply religious (Christian), he is not so deeply religious, but he is religious (Christian too). It wasn’t really a fight, but he said it is frustrating that I keep messing around like this and that I needed to make up my mind. Via text, he said he doesn’t care if we choose to abstain, but he cares if I am indecisive.
    Today I was pestering him about it and trying to make it right, and he didn’t feel like talking. This drove me nuts, so I withdrew and cried. Now he is very quiet and and distant, and I am always assuming the worst, even though something tells me he is just being a man and that he needs to cool off. I am in such a dilemma, and I wish I hadn’t mentioned abstinence under this pressure.

    • RelGold on said:

      Anastasia,
      Thank you for your post. We encourage you to really listen. Listen to your boyfriend when he tells you that what he cares most about is you being indecisive. Don’t make up a story in your mind about what the “really” means or let your fears take over. Just listen to what he is asking you to do– that’s to make a clear decision about what you want to do and then honor it. And that’s the second really important listening we recommend that you do: listen to yourself. Really tune in to what is right for you when it comes to sex. Try to let go of all of the pressures you feel from other people in your life and listen to and honor what YOU think is the best decision for you. Once you have that decision, then communicate that to your boyfriend. Talk with him about what you want and listen to what he wants. Don’t make an assumption that you already know because of what you believe about men or him or relationships.

      Here is a free article we wrote about how to tell your truth: http://www.relationshipgold.com/communication/honesty2.htm

      Best Wishes,
      Susie and Otto

  20. The guy I have been seeing for a year got upset with me because I asked him whats going on. We don’t see each other like we use to and he rarely calls or text anymore. I am always the first to reach out. This past week was his birthday and we were suppose to go on a trip. He blew the trip off, I did ask him if I would be able to spend time with him seeing that it was his birthday and he said he was looking forward to it. The morning of his birthday we talked and then I asked if he was seeing someone else. He got upset and would not talk to me any longer. He said he didn’t want to talk about if it was someone else or if he loved me. I told him if i can’t talk to you then how do I make sense of the issue? I also told him that he had hurt me. He refused to respond or answer his phone. I text him and asked if we were still on for dinner her blew my question off and when he responded hours later he just said I was okay. I haven’t heard from him in 3 days. I can’t bring myself to reaching out to him to find out whats going on with him. Should I call or will he eventually call?

    • RelGold on said:

      Misty: Thank you for posting your question. Whenever there is an argument, it’s important to make sure you’re responding instead of reacting. The clearer you are about what happened and also what you want, the better. Think about the observable facts you have and look at the big picture– not just one conversation or action. From what you write, it sounds like you have noticed a significant change in his behavior. What other facts do you have? Are there inconsistencies or lies you’ve caught him in that made you suspicious and caused you to ask him if he is seeing someone else? Or, was it insecurity and jealousy that caused you to accuse him in that way?

      If you have a history of jealousy, this could be part of the reason why he’s pulled away. We recommend that you get as clear as you can about what’s true and what’s going on (from facts you have) before you call him to talk about it. If you do have proof that he’s possibly seeing someone else, talk to him about the facts you have and ask him to agree to the kind of commitment you want. If you decide that there isn’t proof of him cheating and it’s mostly your jealousy that has pushed him away, let him know what you’re going to start doing differently.

      Best Wishes,
      Susie and Otto

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