Here’s an interesting question about jealousy and suspicion that a woman asked us recently…“Hi, I have been receiving your small daily hints on jealousy. My problem is not only with my partner but also with my dad too. He is 71. I am more suspicious than jealous. It is a feeling of wanting to know where they are all the time. It is asking my husband what did he do. When he tells me in a small explanations, Iwant to know details and at the same time, I am in my mind adding the minutes to compute the exact amount of time from fact to fact.It is an obsession of knowing where and who they are with. For example. if Idon’t know where dad is or if Iconsider he should be home, I get impatient. I want to know where he can be. Dad is very active and still works as a carpenter for his own company. It is a sickening feeling.
I did it to my son while he was a teenager. Thank God he married at age 21 and then I kind of stopped doing it. But I didn’t stop wanting to know where he goes, where he spends the day or even when he goes fishing, I would like to know all the details. I have been able to hold it back or I will push him away from me.
I have always been like this. I am 51 and I can’t continue living like this. Thank you for your advice.”
First of all, suspicion and wanting to know minute details of the other person’s life is pretty common when it comes to jealousy. There’s an outward focus of attention that the jealous person can’t seem to control.
Now in this case, since this woman wants to know minute details of not only her partner’s life but also her father’s and son’s lives. So it’s pretty obvious that she needs to turn her attention toward her own life.
If you are suspicious of your partner, it may not be so cut and dried. You may have to determine whether there is any truth to your fears. If there is truth, then you need to act from a place of clarity of what you want. If there is not truth to your fears, then you need to shift your focus of attention as this woman needs to do.
To this woman or anyone else with a similar problem, we say to begin paying attention to your life. Begin recognizing when you are in your partner’s or dad’s business (or anyone else’s) and bring your focus to your own life instead of their lives.
We suspect that this habit–and it is a habit like smoking or any other habit–was created so that you wouldn’t have to deal with your feelings. If you are focused outwardly on someone else’s life all of the time, you don’t have to deal with you.
So for the sake of everyone, gather your courage and begin turning your attention to yourself when you feel yourself getting into their business. Breathe and bring your attention inside you and acknowledge what you are feeling.
This does take courage but it is a road out from suspicion and pushing those you love away from you.