When there’s been a relationship break up or divorce, one or both people usually ask themselves what happened and many times, they don’t have the answer.A common reason that causes many couples to break up is that they don’t feel a connection with each other and many times, they simply don’t “feel” the other person at all.
Recently, we saw the film “Crash” and although we certainly don’t want to spoil it for you, we felt that the message about relationships we got from it was too important to not pass onto you–along with our thoughts.The film is set in Los Angeles and the first words spoken as we watch several cars crashing into one another on the freeway are these–“Sometimes I think that people in this town crash into each other so they can feel one another.”
The rest of the film depicts how people “crash” into one another in various ways for various reasons. This “crashing” is not just the crashing into one another with our vehicles but how we crash into one another in a million other ways either consciously or unconsciously –to make a connection.
At the bottom of all of this “crashing” is the idea that we are all connected to each other and that we are all doing the best we can to feel it. The message that we got from this film rang very true for us because we’ve watched as other people “crash” into one another and we “crash” into each other for attention, for love, for connection, to relieve pain, for revenge or to just simply “feel” another human being. This “crashing” can and usually does eventually lead to a break up or divorce.
How many of us choose unhealthy ways of “crashing” into other people hoping for a different outcome or maybe just a small spark of connection, love or attention?
We keep trying to get the attention, love or whatever we want from others, even if it’s done in a negative way and we keep getting negative results.
If you have experienced a break up or divorce, you may have experienced this “crashing” first hand which eventually led to the break up.
One vivid memory Susie has is when she “crashed” into her previous husband to try to get him to express emotion when her grandfather died. She badgered him until he broke down and cried. They both had loved him very much but Susie’s previous husband hadn’t been able to show any emotion when her grandfather passed.
Susie needed that connection with her previous husband and she needed him to show emotion–so she emotionally “crashed” into him to get through the walls he had created.
But in our relationship, the two of us have found out that it doesn’t have to be that way. We have discovered that we can love each other and the other people in our lives and connect without “crashing” into each other in negative and unhealthy ways that cause pain.
Just like you, we have our own lessons to learn and we know that we’re not perfect. Occasionally we do have challenges that have to be worked through.
With this in mind, here are some ideas and suggestions we can offer to help you connect in more healthy and loving ways in your life…
1. Learn to first connect with yourself. While we all need to connect with others, we need to start learning to connect with ourselves. That means learning to feel your emotions and what you are feeling, acknowledge them and let them flow.
2. Allow others to be where they are and don’t expect them to follow your path or feel what you are feeling.
3. Center or calm yourself before you tell someone what you are feeling or what you want from them. There are many ways to do this, one good way is using your breath. Get yourself into a space of feeling love for the other person–even if it’s a person at work that you need to connect with.
4. Express what you need to express in a way that the other person can hear without judgment and blame. Don’t let yourself get defensive and make sure of your intentions before you express yourself.
5. Make heartfelt requests when you need to from a calm, centered space. When you do, the other person will be better able to take in your request without getting defensive themselves and angry. You don’t need to “crash” into each other to get what you want and need . There are always other ways to get what you want or need. We recommend that you try some of these ideas this week and see how your life and relationships change for the better.
For a free mini-course on getting over a relationship breakup or divorce, click here.