Divorce doesn’t just happen. Whether your struggles have been silent, behind closed doors or in front of your children, they have felt your pain. How? Because the old saying, “What you don’t say speaks louder than your words.”
We now know that our thoughts are the most powerful form of energy that exists on the planet. Each thought, each emotion, carries with it a wave of energy that is communicated and absorbed by those around us. Yes, our energy speaks to other energy. Energy has a life of its own.
Dr. Deepak Chopra asked questions no one else asked. As a physician he wondered why do we have skin cancer when our skin cells regenerate every 21 days? Why do we have liver cancer when our organs regenerate once or twice a year?
After years of study, scientists discovered what Jonas Salk wrote about before he discovered the polio vaccine, that are cells talk to each other. Yes, our cells tell each other their story and pass it on from one generation to the next. Our cells gossip!
Well, as human beings, what are we made up of if not cells? (And I believe a spirit – another form of energy.)
So what does this have to do with communicating with our children before, during and after divorce? Everything. By being aware of the affect of “silent communication” we can truly listen first to our silence and then to our children’s actions, words and deeds.
How do we accomplish this in the midst of our own turmoil? ATTENTION.
Attention is everything. Attention creates the energy that flows through and around us. Whatever we give attention to grows in our life and becomes more real. Whatever we withdraw attention from withers and fades away. Judgments acts as “filters” that make our flow of attention heavy and this robs our life force as well as that of the people we judge.
Neutral attention is called “Prana” or “Chi” or “Qi”. This neutral attention is appreciative, compassionate attention. When we are present and aware without judgment we’re in a state of being. When there is no judgment we are in a state of what the Zen call “bare mind”. When the mental chatter is no longer present, we then are relaxed, peaceful and content.
How do we create this state? Every day take 5 minutes to just “be”. Look at a flower, tree, the sky, the wall. Do not think. Observe the light, shadow, color, silence, noise, contrasts. No inner or spoken words – just observation. The feeling is so euphoric you may want to increase your daily practice being.
Notice your energy when you are in this state. You feel light, airy.
Now that you know what a “state of being” feels like, listen to your children while being. Now, your children have a place where they can be.
Be in a state of being with your spouse or soon to be former spouse. Notice how calm you feel. What happens to the energy in you, around you? What is the result of your “silent communication”?
The greatest communication tool that you have is being in a state of ATTENTION. It is the “silent witness” to loving communication. It is the “choice-maker” when we relax our mind and allow our energy to be in flow with what is happening around us. As all scriptures have said for thousands of years, this intuitive, feeling nature is the all powerful.
When we learn to be present to each moment, to our sensory experience the sights, sounds and sensations in each NOW moment, we operate from this “silent witness” and our attention is clear, compassionate and non-judgmental. We feel life, operate intuitively, and are guided through our life by infinite wisdom.
From this place of compassion and love, our children benefit because our presence transmits into an unconditional energy of love. Our quiet mind allows the energy of love and acceptance to naturally flow. Our quiet mind gives ourselves and everyone around us permission to feel more alive and energized.
Being in the NOW MOMENT by using ATTENTION… well miracles unfold in you and your children’s lives and the affects of divorce will gradually diminish over time.
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Madeline Binder has Master’s Degrees in both Human Services Counseling and Education and is the author of Smart Divorce: Parent Happy, Healthy Kids.