Overcome and Eliminate Jealousy after Being Cheated on

Overcome and Eliminate Jealousy after Being Cheated on

How do you stop jealousy if you’ve had a past filled with partners who cheated on you, including your current partner–even though he (or she) is faithful at the present time?

>NOTE: Jealousy can ruin a relationship or marriage faster than almost anything. If you’d like some help dealing with your jealousy issues, you might want to go check this out: No More Jealousy

***QUESTION FROM A READER:

“I really don’t know how to stop being jealous. Here’s the deal: I’ve been married several times and all of the men in my life have cheated on me with the exception of one and he abused me. Contrary to this scenario, I’m not a stupid person. I have two college degrees and have always been career minded. I am however very insecure about my relationships and in certain situations in social settings. Jealousy thoughts tend to be overbearing at times and I don’t know how to control this. My current husband has been intimate with someone else but refuses to admit it. It was during a time when I was on
Cymbalta and numb to the world. I know he is currently devoted to me now, but it is still hard to trust.”

>>>OUR COMMENTS:

Thanks for your question and before we answer your question–How to stop being jealous–we need to first give you a few of our thoughts…

**Jealousy has nothing to do with how smart or how successful you are.

**Given the right circumstances, anyone can
experience jealousy.

**Chronic jealousy usually is tied to insecurity and low self-esteem.

Okay, with that being said, we see that you have two strikes against trusting in your relationship and here they are…

1. Your past negative experiences of being cheated on keeps you in hyper-alert mode, waiting for the other shoe to drop–so to speak. In other words, because you’ve been cheated on so many times before, you are expecting to be cheated on again.

2. You’re certain that your husband cheated on you but he won’t admit it. Even though he may be acting devoted right now, there’s been no resolution of what you suspected happened in the past.

Of course it’s hard to trust him!

Your past experiences + an unresolved infidelity issue with your current husband = no trust

So it’s no wonder you are jealous and find it
difficult to trust.

Here’s what we suggest…

1. Take a step toward healing your past.

Since all of the men in your past have cheated on you and one was abusive, we’d suggest working with a trained coach or therapist to help you get to the root of this pattern and heal it.

If you were on Cymbalta, we’re guessing that you have been seeking the help of a professional.

Good for you for noticing that you felt numb when you were on the drug.

Since we all heal from past hurts in layers, you may be ready for healing at a deeper level.

2. Decide if you want to let go of being jealous and move toward trusting your husband.

You may think that this is a “no-brainer” question but it really isn’t.

We’ve seen that jealous behavior is sometimes unconsciously a way to keep a partner at arm’s length so he or she won’t get close–because it’s not safe to trust.

We’re not saying that this is what you are doing but it’s a thought to consider.

Letting go of jealousy is a choice and it can be done–but it takes a commitment and learning and practicing some new skills to do it.

It takes monitoring your thoughts and making empowering changes to them.

Our “No More Jealousy” course can give you some new skills to practice to help you make those changes.

But none of this can happen unless you are committed to doing it–for yourself–and have the support and the skills to do it.

Since he isn’t admitting to cheating in the past but you are sure he has, you have two options as we see it…

–You can keep holding yourself back from him

or

–You can create a plan to begin trusting him

While we certainly can understand your desire for him to be honest about his past relationship, the reality is that he doesn’t seem to be confessing.

So you are left with the choice of whether to start new with him or not.

Not an easy choice, we know, but that seems to be the choice at hand.

If you want to tap into some of the best strategies available anywhere for rebuilding trust in a relationship or marriage, check out this resource.

If you decide you do want to start anew with your partner, then it’s going to be important for you to…

3. Decide how you want to connect with your husband.

When there’s jealousy, the emphasis is on a partner’s behavior that may or may not be happening that disrespects or dishonors the other person and violates an agreement.

While behavior that violates agreements and dishonors the other person has to stop, there’s also another side to it.

You have to figure out how you want to connect with each other.

If trust has been violated in the past, it’s natural to close down and not move toward connection.

We’re saying that if you know that he is no longer cheating and you want to rebuild a relationship with him, find ways that you can reconnect and let that be your focus.

So how does this stop jealousy?

If you are feeling more connected with each other more of the time, if you are feeling more attention from your partner, if you are moving toward one another–and actually having fun together…

Your jealousy will begin to ease if you are working to heal the past and changing your thoughts.

It all goes hand in hand.

For some great ideas for overcoming jealousy, get our free ebook “7 Jealousy Stopping Secrets.”

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Comments

  1. LUZ MUNERA says:

    My husband cheated on me and everything came out on 3/18/11 I had suspected for awhile but had no prove he finally admitted it in March. He ended the relationship we split for 3 months. We have a 25 year on and off relationship, we have been marred now for 10 years and back together for 12 we are high school sweethearts. I really thought since we both ha previous relationships this would never happen to us. We have seen it happen to alot of our friends and we would talk about it and he would always promise me that he would never cheat on me and then this happens he cheated for over a year. I bought some books trying to hel myself heal, but if something happens everything comes rushing thru my head and I get crazy I yell I hate him I feel lonely, I try to keep my cool in front of our son who is 10, so I’ll leave and come back when I am calm but it sucks not to be able to be in your own house. What makes me more mad is that he will stay quiet ant not say a word waiting for things to calm down and that really gets me going I don’t know what to do,, I would like for us to go to conseling but it is so expensive and Insurance does’t cover. Please give me some advice.

    • Hello Luz,
      From your comment, it sounds like you have made the choice to stay with your husband and try to rebuild trust after his cheating. In order for trust to truly rebuild, both of you need to be working on this. Ideally, you need to work together, but also individually. Your husband can take active steps to prove to you that he is trustworthy. This might involve him being transparent with you and open about what he’s doing- no secrets. It might also mean that you notice it when he does keep his word, follow through and keep promises. If you are so focused on the past, you won’t see these things.

      You’ve got to keep yourself present. If you get triggered and you think about what happened in the past, it’s going to be difficult for you to know what is true about your relationship now and what is best for you. This might mean that you also give yourself permission to take time to express those built up feelings from the infidelity. It’s normal that you would feel angry, sad, or whatever you feel. Find ways to get those feelings out that don’t hurt you or another person. Some people find things like writing in a journal, creating art, physical activity helpful. The more you do both of these things– express your feelings and keep yourself in the present moment– the easier it will be for you and your husband to rebuild trust.

      We also offer a free mini-course to rebuild trust after infidelity: http://www.relationshiptrust.com/trustminisignup.htm#

      Best Wishes,
      Susie and Otto

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