Jealousy: Stop Nagging and the ‘Stupid’ Questions

Jealousy: Stop Nagging and the ‘Stupid’ Questions

How do you stop destructive behavior, nagging, and repetitive, “stupid” questions when you are jealous?

This is such a great question and…

If jealousy is keeping you, your partner or anyone you know stuck in behavior that you’re not proud of, or keeping you from the love and relationship you really want we suggest that you read on.We also recommend you pick up a copy of our program for overcoming jealousy called “No More Jealousy.”

In fact, as we are thinking about relationships — we would put nagging, continuous questioning and other destructive behaviors, such as checking cell phones, emails etc into the “Moving Away From” category..

What this means is…

These are behaviors that would actually “move you away from” what you want in your relationship or marriage, instead of moving the two of you closer together.

In fact, we would put anything that you might do that whips you or your partner into a negative emotional frenzy and keeps you from having the closeness and connection you really want into another category as well.

It’s the “Something needs to be shifted or changed for the sake of your relationship” category.

Is there a time and a place for “checking up” on your partner?

Yes, of course–if you have a strong premonition that he or she is cheating and communication has broken down between you so much that you don’t know the difference between truth and lies, then you may need to do some checking up.

Think about this…

Recently, we received a question from a woman who said that she had an extreme situation about jealousy and wanted our help.

Although she knows her boyfriend’s not cheating, she’s not only jealous of other women he might come in contact with but she’s jealous of everyone–and she’s tired of feeling this way.

To top it off, her boyfriend has moved to another city for a career shift and it’s driving her crazy!

There’s a lot to be learned about overcoming jealousy here and here’s a bit of what she wrote to us…

She told us that she can’t stop herself from nagging and destructive behavior.

From the many emails we get everyday from people who are struggling with jealousy, we know that you may be shaking your head right now and saying, “That sounds just like me!”

And if you’re also in a long-distance relationship, jealousy probably comes up for you even more intensely than if you were together–although we know that jealousy can certainly be intense if your partner’s right beside you, even while you watch television together.

What we have discovered is this…

When it comes to jealousy, most people are usually jealous for one of two reasons…

1) There’s something to truly be jealous of and the fears are not unfounded

OR…

2) There’s nothing going on outside the relationship and the person is projecting their past experiences (or maybe even their future) thoughts or possibilities into the present moment and their fears are causing them to be jealous. Sometimes incredibly so.

What may be going on in this case is that this woman is subconsciously looking for validation that her partner is or will be unfaithful.

While we know that she is not consciously trying to prove his unfaithfulness, she is setting herself up and waiting for the other shoe to drop–so to speak.

So what’s the answer to stopping the destructive behavior, “nagging” and “silly” questions–especially when you know they are unfounded?

Here’s a 3-step process we’ve discovered that we think can really help…

1. Stop, breathe and turn inside

When a thought that triggers jealousy enters your head (it usually starts with a thought that you’ve thought over and over), stop yourself from reacting the way you always have before.

Now this may take a bit of practice and you may have to argue with yourself but just stop.

Take a breath and turn your attention inside you.

When you lapse into destructive behavior, nagging or whatever you want to call it, you are looking outside yourself.

Before you react, look inside.

2. Look at what you are feeling and allow those feelings to be there without acting on them in this moment.

Tune into the fear of loss, the anger or any other fear that comes up.

Just breathe into the feeling until you can feel yourself relaxing a little.

3. Ask yourself if bringing up this concern will bring you closer to what you want or take you further from it.

If you have asked the same question a hundred times before and you’ve gotten the same answer, you have to ask what’s the purpose in asking.

What answer do you expect?

What will prove that he or she isn’t cheating or whatever it is you fear?

What reassurance do you want from your question?

The idea is to challenge your habitual way of thinking and acting–and take a better route to what you want.

Trying to control your partner by continually asking annoying and irritating questions of your partner’s whereabouts usually doesn’t work.

In fact, it usually only irritates that other person and causes them to go into protection (or even anger) mode–which isn’t what you want.

So stop.

Just find out if there’s space for the two of you to connect that will allow you to feel you are loved.

How do you go for connection instead of asking nagging questions?

You have to learn to communicate with each other and to create agreements.

You have to listen to your partner and you have to listen to yourself.

If you need help with communication and making agreements, check out http://www.StopTalkingonEggshells.com

If you can relate to any of this, we urge you to make some changes in your life.

Try even one of our suggestions and see what happens.

For more tips to create more passion, love and connection in your relationship, or for some great ideas for overcoming jealousy, get our free ebook “7 Jealousy Stopping Secrets.”

 

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Comments

  1. My name is April I’m 20 I have a five month old son,I’ve been married with my husband for two years n we dated for two years before that…I have major jealous issues because I had to find out he was lying to me and speaking to girls at work..he doesn’t wear a wedding ring and he’s not ugly so I no any girl will fall for him.. He had lied to me for about six months that he wasn’t speaking to girls and then the day I find out my feelings for him changed n now I can’t trust him at all …he also once told me and I quote “I wanna talk to girls I don’t want to just talk with you nor my family I want to speak to girls hang out with them ” once he said that my heart crushed and every night before I go to bed I hear him say that in my head and I end up crying my self to sleep it has been 4 months since he told me that…deep down I know he’s not cheating but I think in the future he will and I can’t trust him as much as I try I can’t …sometimes i lie and say oh today I saw Oscar and we spoke for awhile just to he can get a little jealous and hurt the way I am hurting…I know I’m doing wrong but no matter what he says I find it difficult to Beleave and trust him…what can I do any advice? Am I better off with a divorce or a hall pass? …

    • April: Thank you for your post. The first thing we recommend you do is to get clear about what is actually going on between your husband and other women. When you say that you found he is “speaking” to other women, what does this mean? When he says he wants to “speak to girls and hang out with them,” what does that mean?

      We can understand that it would be upsetting to you to hear him say that he wants to do this and also that he will not wear his wedding ring when you’d like him to.

      We encourage you to focus in on what he is actually doing that you believe is breaking trust. It might be that he flirts or it could be that he is doing more (or less) than this. Look for observable, reliable information and get clear.

      Next, based on what you find out, create some agreements with him. Instead of trying to make him jealous *which ALWAYS backfires and only moves a couple further apart,* be honest with him. You’re not going to help him commit and re-connect with you by trying to make him jealous.

      Ask him to make agreements with you that you both can be okay with. Let him know that you feel sad/worried that he’ll cheat/neglected/unloved/betrayed (or whatever you feel) when he does not wear his wedding ring and lies to you about his interactions with other women. IT is probably unreasonable for you to ask him to literally not talk with other women. We are guessing that you mean that he is flirting or being intimate with other women. Be specific about what you mean when you ask him to agree to change his behavior.

      After you have an agreement with him about this, watch and pay attention to whether or not he is following the agreement. This will help you know whether or not it’s wise for you to trust him (or to to stay in the marriage).

      You might find this free article about creating agreements helpful: https://www.relationshipgold.com/communication/agreements.htm#

      Best Wishes,
      Susie and Otto

  2. my name is ikenna, I have this girlfriend I love, but she us so jealous that she hate seeing my female friends. tried explaining to her that I have nothing to do with them but just friendship. she nags a lot…..before you know, she start giving me scars and slaps and blows just to push me to fight. am tired cos I don’t know what to do. I love her but she doesn’t trust or believe my words. what should I do. asking me to delete most of my contact or I loose her. she abuses me and try to posses me

    • SusieCollins says:

      Ikenna, do not allow yourself to be abused. That’s not love! Your girlfriend has a problem and needs to get help. You cannot help her and you cannot do anything to stop her from what she believes. MY opinion–tell her to get help or you’ll leave!

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