Because jealousy can be such a huge, damaging issue for you and your relationships if you don’t do something about it, we couldn’t help but think about it this past weekend.Here’s what was going on to make us really spend some time focusing on jealousy and how to stop it…
The two of us were at a workshop this past weekend and the presenter made a very powerful statement.
She said that when you’re not at peace, you’re either in the past or in the future–and NOT in the present.
The idea was that if you were in the present more of the time, not allowing your mind to make up stories about what may or may not be true, you would feel peaceful more of the time.
The speaker we went to hear could have just as easily been talking about jealousy because…
While this is a pretty interesting solution for any time we feel upset and not at peace, it seems to be especially appropriate when there’s jealousy present and you’re banging your head against the wall trying to solve it.
Just think about it…
Think back to a time when you felt those gut-wrenching jealous feelings in the pit of your stomach (or wherever they hit you).
What thoughts were going through your head?
Don’t worry if the jealous episode happened awhile ago and you don’t remember EXACTLY what you were thinking. If you’re like us, the same “stories” and thoughts roll through our heads no matter what’s going on or when it happened. In other words, there’s a common theme.
So look for that theme as you do your investigating.
Although Susie’s jealousy of Otto happened years ago when we were first together, she still remembers that when jealous feelings came up, she worried that he would find someone who was younger, more attractive, and more fun.
Her thoughts were in the future–painting a pretty dismal future for the two of them because she “saw” him leaving her for the woman he happened to be talking to at the time.
The jealous theme that ran in her head was that he would leave her for someone he was attracted to more than her.
What’s your jealous theme?
Do you fear every time your partner says that he or she has a business dinner with co-workers that it will or already has turned into attraction that will end your relationship–even though nothing seems to be going on?
Because you were cheated on in the past, do you worry every time your partner leaves the house that he or she is meeting someone else and having an affair–even though you have no reason to suspect anything’s going on?
Are you afraid that your partner’s friendliness will cause him or her to cross the line into a more intimate relationship with someone else?
If any of these fears sound familiar, that will give you a clue to your jealous theme.
And we’re going to go out on a limb right now…
Unless you caught your partner in a compromising situation in the moment that your jealousy hit you, you dredged up images of what happened to you in the past or what could happen in the future.
The uproar and tightness in your body that created the jealous turmoil was caused by what has happened in the past or could happen in the future.
It wasn’t about what was happening in the present moment.
Okay, so if you even somewhat buy into this idea–that if you stay in the present moment, you can feel more peace, how can you stop those jealous feelings when they happen?
We go into great detail about this in our “No More Jealousy” program at https://www.relationshipgold.com/no-more-jealousy but one of the best things you can do is to start accepting this idea–that you can feel more peaceful if you learn how to come into the present moment when you leave.
In the present moment, you have choice to act.
When you are in the past or the future in your thoughts, you react from old tapes–just like grooves in an old LP vinyl record. And there is no choice and no way out except to come into the present.
One very effective way we’ve used to become present is to breathe and simply ask ourselves, “Is that true?”
Whether you say it’s true or not, drop your attention down from your head to your heart or lower, to your center (below your navel)–and breathe.
This action alone can break the trance of the past or the future.
Then in the present, you are able to either take rational steps to find out the truth of what’s going on or choose to embrace the truth that your partner is being faithful to you–no matter what your jealous theme is telling you.
The more time we all spend in the present the better our relationships will be–and that’s the truth!