***QUESTION FROM A READER
“How do I ‘let go’ and ultimately just decide to trust and overcome feelings of jealousy when there is no reason to doubt or fear?”
Okay–we know that “letting go” of your jealousy even if there’s absolutely no reason for it can be one of the most difficult things you do.
It’s painful. It’s embarrassing and keeping you from having the love and relationship you really want.
If you’re like our reader, you’re jealous and you KNOW that you need to trust–that there’s really nothing preventing it–but something holds you back from trusting and you don’t know how to take a step toward it.
So, what is it that keeps you from being able to trust?
Here’s our take on it…
You can’t “let go” of anything (thoughts, ideas, behaviors) until you make a shift in your beliefs and your rules for living.
If you’re jealous and there’s no tangible reason for the jealousy, you’ve got some underlying belief that gets reinforced by your thoughts–that get translated into a “rule” for living that you may not even be aware of that is keeping you from being able to trust.
Take Carol for instance…
She is fearful that her second marriage will end because of her jealousy. Her previous husband cheated on her and although she seems to have “gotten over” that relationship, she lives in constant fear that her new husband of 3 years will do the same.
Although her new husband is in no way like her previous husband and she knows he’s not doing anything wrong, Carol finds that when they are apart and both are at work, she’s jealous and worries about what he’s doing and who he is with.
Her jealousy is driving both of them crazy and her husband doesn’t know how much longer he will put up with it even though he loves her very much.
So let’s break it down…
One way that we learn is from experience and Carol experienced a cheating husband.
After that experience, she unconsciously created the belief that husbands cheat even though she’s with a man who doesn’t.
Even though her new husband isn’t anything like her previous one, there is something that triggers this belief that husbands cheat…
–It might be something as simple as him talking in a friendly way with another woman.
–It might be periods of time that he’s unavailable to talk with her.
It might even be a belief she picked up from something a character on one of her favorite TV programs said (that she believes) that’s causing her to not trust her husband.
Whatever it is, it can look completely normal and harmless to someone who doesn’t struggle with jealousy but to a jealous person–all fears and mistrust get triggered.
And one of Carol’s unconscious “rules” for living is that she has to stay vigilant because if she doesn’t, it just may happen again.
So someone telling her (or even telling herself) to “let go” of her jealousy is like someone telling you to go ahead and jump out of a plane, even though you know you don’t have a parachute on your back.
In both cases, you can picture the consequences–and they aren’t good!
So if letting go isn’t the answer, what is?
We offer many breakthrough strategies for stopping jealousy and rebuilding trust in our “No More Jealousy” program available here http://www.NoMoreJealousy.com/Program and our Relationship Trust Turnaround program available here http://www.RelationshipTrustTurnaround.com
To get you started, here are 3 ways to stop unwarranted jealousy and begin to start trusting right now…
1. Identify the belief and your rule for living that is keeping your jealousy going.
The best way to do that is to take some time by yourself and write out one particular jealousy episode in detail.
What thoughts rolled through your head?
What were your exact fears?
What story did you tell yourself about what your partner said or did?
Don’t skip anything.
Slow the action way down and write it all from start to finish.
Read what you’ve written as an investigator–with no judgment that you or what happened was stupid or wrong.
You’re only reading to investigate your thought process and your beliefs.
We’re guessing that after doing this exercise, you’ll have a good idea of the belief that underlies your jealousy–as well as your rules for living that’s holding you back.
If you’re having problems with this, you may want us to help you.
We offer Breakthrough Relationship Coaching and to find out more, call us (614-459-8121) or visit
2. Identify the belief and rule you would like to believe and live instead.
The truth is that we make our own rules even though we aren’t aware that we can or do.
And if you’re jealous, you are making the rule that jealousy is part of your life.
Believing that it is possible to make up another rule for yourself is the first step toward doing it. Simply saying, “Yes, I can believe something different” is a start. Then looking at what you would like to believe in your life is next.
You can’t “let go” of something without there being something else put in its place.
So what do you want to put in place of your jealous belief and rule for living?
To start making this turn, go for something that is believable to you.
Something like this…
“I believe that this relationship might be different. My new rule for living is that I’m going to be okay no matter what and I can begin to relax.”
3. Practice your new thoughts, beliefs and remind yourself of your new rules–again and again.
These thoughts, beliefs and rules that hold you in your jealousy did not happen overnight.
They happened by practicing them over and over.
The same is true of your new ones.
To make the changes you want to make–make them one thought at a time.
This isn’t rocket science but it does take persistence and the willingness to really look at your thoughts that are keeping these beliefs going in your head (and questioning them.).
It also takes a strong desire to have all the love and connection that you want–and believe that you can have it!
Remember, you can change but you have to start doing the things that will set the stage for the changes to happen.