Keeping the Fire Lit In Your Relationship or Marriage

Here’s an interesting question…

Did you ever want to do something and know that it would be good for you but you couldn’t seem to find the energy to actually do it?

Most of us have had that dilemma at one time or another in our lives so we’re pretty sure that you know what we are talking about.

This applies to a lot of different areas of our lives such as home, work and especially our relationships.

We want more and yet somehow we have challenges finding that energy that it takes to create more.

Along those lines, here’s a great question from one of our newsletter subscribers that puts into words the experience of a lot of couples….

“We both work hard and have raised 3 kids to adulthood. We are in good shape but are tired at the end of the day/week. How do we find the energy to keep the fire lit so as not to let the flame go out?”

When the two of us were talking about this question, a story from the famous motivational teacher Zig Ziglar came to mind that we want to share to illustrate a point…

Imagine that someone comes to you and says that they are giving you an all-expense paid dream vacation to somewhere that you’ve always wanted to go. The catch is that you have to be packed and on the plane by 12 midnight tomorrow.

So if this were truly the dream trip of a lifetime for you, you were truly committed to going and you were convinced the offer was real– would you do what was necessary to make sure you were ready to go?

For example, would you find a way to get off work for several days in that short of notice?

If you have children, could you either get your children ready to go or find child care for them during the time that you were away?

What about that important meeting or presentation at work? Would you be able to re-schedule it or have someone else do it?

What about household chores? Could someone else mow your grass or just forget about it until you returned? The questions that you would face could go on and on.

If this is a trip of a lifetime (and someone else paid for it), we’re guessing that you would clear your schedule and re-arrange your life so that you could take advantage of this opportunity. It would be so important that you probably would do things that you normally wouldn’t do so that you could go.

This story is a great metaphor for your relationships. It’s what you focus on, make a priority and are committed to having in your life that actually happens.

Here’s a practical example from our lives of what we’re talking about…

One of our goals for our marriage has been to constantly deepen our connection with each other and to keep the “fire” lit. One of the ways that we like to do this is by reading books together and talking about the ideas that we find to be pertinent to our lives.

For instance, these books can range from philosophical / psychological ways of looking at life to very practical tips on love-making.

What we find is that while we absolutely love to do this together, we also love to “veg” out in the evenings in front of the television and the internet. So at the first of this year, we agreed that we would read, talk and connect with each other one or two evenings a week after we stopped working for the day.

This commitment to each other is a conscious step for us to focus on what we want more of in our lives–which is to keep our passion, love and connection alive–rather than let “life” and other distractions dictate what our priorities are.

Here are a few ideas if you are wanting to find more time to rekindle and keep love alive in your relationship…

1. Decide what you truly want. If you want to keep the “fire lit,” then what does that mean to each of you? Talk about how you both like your connection and relationship to be without blame and without getting defensive. Be honest about what really excites you.

2. Focus on your positive outcome. Get on the same page, if possible, and hold that vision for how you’d like to be together. You will have the energy to move toward what you want if you just hold that as your vision for your life.

3. Make this a fun experience rather than something that “should” be done. Remember the all-expense paid vacation story? It obviously wouldn’t be worth your time and energy to get everything in order before you left if the vacation didn’t promise to be filled with fun, excitement, relaxation or whatever else you were after.

The same thing could be said for finding the time for closeness and connection. It has to feel really good in order to choose an activity that will bring you closer rather than one requires nothing of you. Even tiredness seems to dissolve when the rewards outweigh the allure of “vegging” out.

From our own lives and from observing the lives of many people, we’ve found that you can make one of two choices:

You can allow others or circumstances to dictate the course of your life or you can be a conscious creator of your life. The choice is yours.

Today and in every moment, we invite you to consciously choose things that will keep the fire lit inside you, whether for your relationship or for your life.

Scroll to Top